You see, it's not your fault for all of this negative stuff going on in your life...  it could be some easily resolved reasons!

Why are listening skills important to teens?

Respect

When adults listen to teens, it teaches the teen how to be caring & responsible. Listen w/respect.

 Children's concerns are different from ours, but the emotions they feel are the same. Give the teen the freedom to express feelings & views w/out fear of ridicule or judgment.

Listening well is a major act of loving & caring. Speaking to a parent or significant adult who listens can help teens extend themselves & learn more about themselves.

Styles of Poor Listening

One reason ineffective listening takes place at home or at work is because we've developed bad habits & poor listening styles which prevent us from really hearing others.

Read thru the descriptions below being truthful with yourself in deciding which of the descriptions describes your listening habits.

Some of these styles are:

• The Faker. Fakers only pretend to be listening. They may smile while you talk to them, nod their heads, appear to be intent; but they're thinking about something else.

They can be so intent on appearing to be listening that they don't hear what you're saying. Often their minds wander as they tune in & out of the conversation.

• The Dependent Listener. Some people primarily want to please the speaker. They're so concerned about whether the speaker has a good impression of them that they're unable to listen & respond appropriately.

Dependent listeners may agree excessively with what the speaker says, not because they really agree, but because they want to maintain the goodwill of the speaker (nodding head all the time). By trying to please, dependent listeners are frustrating at best.

• The Interrupter. Interrupters never allow the other to finish. They may be afraid that they'll forget something important they want to say.

10 Irritating Listening Habits: Do you ever find yourself falling into any of these habits?

The first real evidence of effective communication occurring is when each person really understands what the other person has said, he meanings, attitudes & feelings behind the words. That takes time & concentration. Here are some positive results that can be gained from effective listening.

Listening can strengthen family relationships. Marriages are created, maintained &/or destroyed thru effective communication. Most important is our need to listen to each other, w/the heart as well as the ears.

Empathic listening is the greatest gift parents can give to their children. It's the ability to put themselves in their child's place, to walk in the other's moccasins & understand where the child's coming from w/out imposing their point of view.

Good Listening Skills

• Be interested & attentive. Nothing makes a person feel more cared about than to be listened to. Often we don't want to hear what another person's saying because if we really listened, we'd be obliged to take that person's feelings & needs seriously.

• Forget about the telephone & other distractions; be more interested in what's being said than in figuring out how to reply or fix the problem. Identify a person's real message.

• Maintain eye contact to show that you really are w/the person.

• Listening increases understanding of & sensitivity to other people's feelings. You can learn more about emotions & feelings by listening closely to other peoples' descriptions of how they feel.

• Listening can reduce emotional tension.

• Communicate & express feelings in a way that helps others understand.

• Encourage talking by extending an invitation of showing concern / importance.

• Listen patiently. People think faster than they speak.

• Allow for time for person to find the right words.

• Listen as though you have plenty of time.

Hear children out by not cutting the person off before they have finished speaking. It may be difficult to listen respectfully w/out correcting their misconceptions, but respect their right to have & express their opinions.

Empathy

Listening can help break the cycle of unhealthy talk.

Seek First to Understand, Then to be Understood

Principles of Empathic Communication

Character & Communication

• Communication is the most important skill in life

• If you want to interact effectively w/me, to influence me, you first need to understand me.

• You have to build the skills of empathic listening on a base of character that inspires openness & trust.

Empathic Listening:

Most people listen w/the intent to reply. When another person speaks, we're usually 'listening' at 1 of 4 levels:

• Ignoring

• Pretending

• Selective listening

• Attentive listening

Very few of us ever practice the highest form of listening, empathic listening.

• Only 10% of our communication is represented by the words we say, another 30% by our sounds & 60% by body language.

• Empathic listening is risky.

Diagnose Before You Prescribe

• Diagnose before you prescribe is a correct principle in many areas of life.

• It's the mark of all true professionals

• The amateur salesman sells products, the professional salesman sells solutions to needs & problems.

Four Autobiographical Responses

Because we listen autobiographically (from the perspective of our own paradigms), we tend to respond in 1 of 4 ways:

• We evaluate

• We probe

• We advise

• We interpret

The language of logic is different from the language of sentiment & emotion. As long as responses are logical, we're at liberty to ask questions & give counsel. The moment responses become emotional, empathic listening is necessary.

Empathic listening involves 4 developmental stages:

• mimic content

• rephrase the content

• reflect feeling

• rephrase the content & reflect the feeling

Empathic listening enables us to turn transactional opportunities into transformational opportunities.

The key to empathic listening is to genuinely seek the welfare of the individual to whom you're listening.

Understanding & Perception: As you learn to listen deeply to other people, you'll discover tremendous differences in perception. This habit is the first step in the process of Win / Win.

Then Seek to Be Understood: Knowing how to be understood is the other half & is crucial in reaching Win / Win solutions.

The Essence of making Effective Presentations:

• Ethos -- your personal credibility.

• Pathos -- the empathic side.

• Logos -- the logic.

When you can present your own ideas clearly, specifically, visually & in the context of the paradigms of your audience, you significantly increase the credibility of your ideas.

One on One

• This habit is right in the middle of your circle of influence. You can always seek first to understand.

• Spend time w/your spouse & children, one on one.

Communication Tips for Families

By: Dr. Masal

"What's needed here is a little more generosity of spirit!"  It looked like talking about things like love, kindness & generosity & not "problems," might be the route to family change.

Family communication is possible

Family communication is possible, but love must be the lubricant. Until a person becomes a more feeling creature; which means feeling pain, anger, hurt & disappointment, but also love, kindness, friendship & generosity; a brick wall blocks genuine communication. Feel. If you open up your heart, pain may spill out / but so will love. It's then that communicating will begin. The ability to communicate takes learning, practice, courage, patience & a lot more.

We have to be able to tolerate frustration, lower our defenses, recognize what we want to say & then deliver our message in a clear, kind way.

How many of us can do that well? Not very many. The problems that families have in communicating are exactly the same problems that people have in communicating, whether they're at work or at home, in Tokyo or in Topeka & whether they're 12, 35 or 60.

There are no magic bullets that will turn an uncommunicative, oppositional, difficult, tense or hostile family environment into a paradise of effective communication & good will.  

What there is to work w/is:

• the love that already exists
• the hope in each family member's heart for something better
• the innate power of individual people to try harder, beginning w/you

You can't ask your husband or wife, son or daughter or father or mother to do a better job of communicating if you aren't striving to be an honest, effective listener & speaker.

• The ball's in your court.
• Waiting for someone else to begin communicating won't work.

What stops that?

• Fears
• Frustrations
• Problems that are secret forever

If you wait for your mate to start the communication ball rolling, you'll have another long wait coming.

If you keep dreaming about your parents airing their disagreements & coming to some happy resolution, probably that'll remain a dream & not become a reality.

If you yourself have something on your mind but can't find the right moment to bring it up, ask yourself when the right moment will be.

Everybody in your family has a duty to communicate. Still, somebody has to start. Accept the challenge. Become your family's first communication wizard.

Listening for Truth
by Gene Knudsen Hoffman

A talk given in June 1994

"Listening for Truth" was presented as a talk at the June 1994 conference of Pax 2100 in San Jose, Costa Rica. This conference included a visit to the Quaker Settlement in Monte Verde. Pax 2100 is a project for peace initiated by the Goleta Presbyterian Church of California. Its intent is to introduce the peace religions of the world to people who wish to learn about them.

Gandhi once declared that if he hadn't been born a Hindu, he would have been a Christian because he so revered the teachings of Jesus.

He felt that to teach Jesus' way in India, he had to reveal similar teachings in Hindu scriptures. In one of his booklets he transposed a familiar phrase & gave it new meaning. The title of this booklet is Truth is God.

This made a radical change in my thinking. It means to me that anything my mind clings to as Truth isn't God & is temporary & transitory; it exists for me until a fuller Truth is revealed. 

As a Quaker I believe that revelation is ongoing: God is constantly revealing new Truths to human beings. I also believe that each person may perceive a portion of this Truth & that listening for new revelations can be a daily discipline. 

I'm not suggesting that we're to abandon our familiar Truths & religions, only that we open our hearts to those we discover in other people, religions & parts of the world. I believe God provides everyone w/Divine Truth & peace in 2100 will not come about unless we listen for Truth in peoples, cultures, nations, religions & interpretations of religions quite different from our own.

Because listening will often be difficult, strange, even antithetical to our own perspective, we must listen w/the open heart. 

Ecclesiastes tells us this when he says, "To everything there is a season, a time to sow & a time to reap; a time to seek & a time to lose; a time to break down & a time to build up ....

"Ecclesiastes says to me that nothing is w/out Truth. God has been revealed to people in a fashion suitable to their time & place.

To the Jews was revealed the Torah; to the Christians, the Gospels; to the Hindus, the Bhagavad Gita; to the Buddhists, the Sutras; to the Moslems, the Koran. 

We're on a journey to learn how the Truths of peace & nonviolence were revealed thru different religions. We listen to Quakers to learn how they adopted & practiced Truths in their lives. We may find ourselves richer by listening & honoring their experiences.

In the quest for peace, we need to open ourselves to new perceptions our culture often denies. And so, we listen. 

I'm not talking about listening w/the human ear. I'm talking about "discernment," which means to perceive something hidden & obscure.

We must listen w/our spiritual ear, the one inside & this is very different from deciding in advance what's right & what's wrong & then seeking to promote our own agenda.

We must literally suspend our belief & then listen to learn whether what we hear expands or diminishes our sense of Truth. 

Our call, as I perceive it, is to see that w/in all life is the Mystery, God. It's w/in the African & the Afrikaner, the Iraqi, the Serb & the American. It's w/in each religion on earth. Our task is to sift the wheat from the chaff, because in each religion there is both.

Through nonjudgmental listening, we may awaken to it in both strange & familiar places & thus learn the God that resides in a religion or in an individual. 

For peace to happen, I believe there must be peacemaking groups who can be trusted by all sides, that find the divine in the "enemy," & carry that message wherever they go. 

I began w/Gandhi & I shall close w/him. I'll give you a talisman which has always inspired me. Gandhi reminded us that there exists w/in each person a power, an energy, equal to the force of an atom bomb, a loving power, a caring power, a healing power for peace.

How NOT to Listen

Before parents can begin to be effective listeners, remember:

Old habits die hard & in order to remove them from our communication style, we first have to recognize them in ourselves, then make an earnest commitment to omit them from our verbal interactions.

We need to replace them w/new effective communication skills.

The following are common barriers that parents use that prevent successful parent child communication.

Examples of Reflective Listening

• Daughter: "I don't feel good. Anyway, I'm tired of school. Do I have to go today? "

• Parent: "It sounds like you'd like to stay home today." 

• Daughter:  "Yeah. Please let me stay home."

• Parent: "Hmmm. Sounds like you REALLY want to stay home today."

• Daughter: "Yeah & I don't feel good anyway. I want to stay home."

• Parent: "For some reason, It sounds to me like the thought of going to school today is very unpleasant to you. You say you're tired of school & don't feel good?"

• Daughter: "Well they're just going to have an assembly all day so it isn't all that important that I go anyway." 

• Parent: "So you won't miss much if you stay home?"

• Daughter:  "And if I have assignments, I can make them up tomorrow."

• Parent: "It's very important to you that you skip school today."

• Daughter: "They're going to have a stupid dance tonight, & if I go to school my friends will expect me to go to the dance too."

• Parent: "You don't want to feel pressured to go to the dance."

• Daughter: "I hate school dances & the boys are so dumb."

• Parent:  "You don't like the music or the boys."

• Daughter: "I'll say. There is this guy named Dave who is really dumb. So are his friends."

• Parent: "You sound upset w/Dave & his friends." 

• Daughter: "I can't stand them. (She begins to cry) They say such stupid things."

• Parent: "They say things you don't like."

• Daughter: "Sometimes they criticize me in right front of my friends"

• Parent: "That's embarrassing & hurtful to be criticized in front of your friends."

• Daughter: "They said I had a big nose like Pinocchio. I felt so ugly. Do you think I'm ugly?"

• Parent "It sounds like you're worried about the way you look."

• Daughter: "I know I shouldn't be. I don't think my nose is so big. I guess I'll go to the dance anyway. I'll just ignore Dave & his friends."

This example shows that the daughter needed to talk about what was bothering her, but didn't know how to approach the issue initially. She didn't need advice or praise, she just needed a forum in which to think thru the problem & make a decision on her own.

It would've been a mistake for the parent to either let her stay home, or demand that she go to school. Instead, the daughter solved her own problem because the mother was able to listen reflectively & understand that their was a deeper issue at hand.

She reflected the daughters feelings back to her w/out interjecting her own feelings or judgments & she didn't use any barriers to communication.

This style of communication is very effective w/verbal children. IF you're not used to this type of communication it'll feel uncomfortable at first, but as you practice, it'll become more natural & you'll begin to see surprising results in the way you & your child communicate.

Be willing to relinquish old habits, the need to "fix" the problem & your need to take control of the situation. When you allow feeling to emerge w/out barriers, the child will eventually get to the underlying issue & the parent can avoid being "the heavy."

Listening to Understand

Listening is a difficult skill to learn. But truly understanding the deeper meaning of what our children are telling us, takes even greater skill.

When we take the time to listen to our children & try earnestly to understand not only their words, but their deeper feelings, we'll be better able to deal w/any situation that arises.

Reflective Listening

Reflective listening is taking active listening & mirroring skills a step further by training ourselves to hear the deeper meaning of what is being said. Reflective listening is when the listener describes the feelings & emotions that accompany what is said rather than the information given.

People who're unskilled in recognizing & expressing feelings may have been raised w/the notion that emotions are to be controlled & even hidden.

As children many of us were taught not to cry, worry, be upset or be disappointed. Many of us are unable to distinguish between feelings of worry, embarrassment, hurt, disappointment & unhappiness.

We just recognize that we're experiencing an overall "bad feeling." For these people, using reflective listening skills is both vital to successful relationships as well as very difficult to master.

An example of Reflective Listening:

Child: "I hate choir & I'm going to quit!"

Parent: "You sound very unhappy.".... Notice that the parent didn't focus on the words expressed. S/he didn't retaliate w/ "You can't quit," or "How often have I told you not to use the word hate?" Instead the parent was sensitive to the feelings of the child.

By reflecting back the feelings that were expressed rather than the actual words, the parent's saying to the child, "I care about what's going on w/you & I'm willing to try to understand what you're feeling & work this out." The child on the other hand is in a safe environment where feelings are supported & encouraged.

The next step in this situation is for the parent to encourage the child to talk about what it is that is making him / her unhappy.

Once this is done the child is generally able to resolve the situation w/out taking drastic measures or expecting the parent to "fix it" for them. (do you have a "need to fix" ?)

Learn Reflective Listening

The key to reflective listening is the ability to listen in a non-judgmental way, to listen for understanding & not for agreement.

How does one learn to be a more attentive & reflective listener? The process goes like this.

• Sit down opposite the speaker in a relaxed, attentive manner. Let the speaker begin talking about specific ideas or feelings that he or she is experiencing & wants to share. Pay full attention to both the verbal & nonverbal language.

• After 4 or 5 sentences, stop the speaker w/ "let me see if I'm understanding you." Then, repeat back in your own words what you heard & the feelings you picked up on. "You said..." You felt..." "Was that accurate?"

• If the speaker says it wasn't accurate, ask for a clarification of the portion of the message that was misunderstood or incorrect. Once this is clarified for both of you, then the speaker can go on for another few sentences & the reflection process continues.

• Remember, the goal for both the speaker & listener is understanding, not agreement.

Reflective listening is useful when a person is "uptight" & wants to share feelings that are bothering or behaviors that are upsetting.

It's also useful in a brainstorming type of situation when you just want to be heard & understood.

It isn't appropriate when the goal in communicating is to manipulate the other person or to only communicate negative feelings & judgments. It works only if each person can really accept where the other is coming from; & then uses the process for solving, or as a means of entering the life of the other person.

Remember, reflective listening is a skill that must be developed & used. You need to realize that children learn brainstorming in elementary school - they're able to become great listeners w/your guidance.

Common mistakes in reflective listening. While learning the skill of reflective listening, there will be mistakes & people will find it awkward & unnatural at first. This is okay, no skill is learned easily. As you practice, keep in mind some common mistakes you'll likely make & try to correct them.

1. Parroting: simply repeating the message or responding only to the facts & not the feelings.

2. Listening w/out empathy: continuing whatever activity you were involved in, not looking at the speaker, maintaining a dry, detached manner.

3. Opening the door, then slamming it shut: using reflective listening to develop data which the listener then uses to move in w/solutions, evaluation, punishment, etc.

4. Bad Timing: using reflective listening when the other person needs specific help or information you possess.

5. Analyzing: going beyond the message the speaker wants you to know by adding your guess as to why the speaker feels the way he does.

Listening

How well do you listen to one another?

Truly, actively listen?

Do you have eye contact? Is one ear listening to the television & are you reading email & saying "Yes, dear" at the same time?

Active listening requires total attention on what your spouse is saying & involves getting feedback if you don't understand what you are hearing.

10 Commandments of Effective Listening

Effective listening requires an understanding that it isn't just the speaker's responsibility to make sure he or she is understood.

The listener has a major role to play in hearing the complete message. The following ideas will assist the listener in understanding the message.

Stop talking! You can't listen when you're talking. You'll only be thinking about what you're going to say next instead of paying attention to what the other person is trying to say. Consciously focus your attention on the speaker.

Put the speaker at ease: Relax, smile, look at the speaker & help that person feel free to talk. Look & act interested. Remove distractions: turn off the TV; close the door; stop what you are doing & pay attention.

Pay attention to the nonverbal language of physical gestures, facial expressions, tone of voice & body posture. An authority on nonverbal language says that 55% of the message meaning is nonverbal, 38% is indicated by tone of voice & only 7% is conveyed by the words used in a spoken message. Few people know how to listen to the eyes:

• what a tapping foot means

• a furrowed brow

• clenched fist

• the biting of nails

These often reveal the key feelings behind the words.

• Listen for what isn't said. Ask questions to clarify the meaning of words & the feelings involved or ask the speaker to enlarge on the statement.

People often find it difficult to speak up about matters or experiences that are very important or highly emotional for them. Listen for how the speaker presents the message. What people hesitate to say is often the most critical point.

• Know exactly what the other person is saying. Reflect back what the other person has said in a "shared meaning" experience so you completely understand the meaning & content of the message before you reply to it.

A good listener doesn't assume they understand the other person. You, as the listener, shouldn't express your views until you have summarized the speaker's message to his satisfaction.

• Be aware of "tune out" words. These are words which appear in the media that strike an emotional chord in the listener & interferes w/attentive listening (e.g. abortion, nuclear war, communism, homosexuality). Avoid arguing mentally. Listen to understand, not to oppose.

• Concentrate on "hidden" emotional meanings. What are the real feelings behind the words? What is the tone of voice saying? What does the emphasis on certain words mean? Notice how the meaning of the following question is changed when you change the emphasis from one word to the next.

• What do you want?
  What do you want?
  What do you want?
  What do you want?

• Be patient. Don't interrupt the speaker. This is disrespectful & suggests you want to talk instead of listen. Allow plenty of time for the speaker to convey ideas & meaning. Be courteous & give the speaker adequate time to present the full message.  

• Hold your temper! Try to keep your own emotions from interfering w/your listening efficiency. When emotions are high, there's a tendency to tune out the speaker, become defensive or want to give advice. You don't have to agree to be a good listener. Don't argue! Even if you win, you lose.

• Empathize w/the speaker. Try to "walk in the other's moccasins" so you can feel what that person is feeling & understand the point of view the speaker is trying to convey.

True attentive & reflective listening offers the opportunity for others to share their life w/you. Listening & leveling has a chance of healing hurts & building bridges in a relationship. When someone listens to you & you feel understood, you're much more likely to trust the other person, thus opening the gate for more intimate communication.

Compassionate Listening -  First Step to Reconciliation?
a  talk by Gene Knudsen Hoffman given November 25, 1997, at University of California atta Barbara

Gene Knudsen Hoffman, a writer, therapist & international peace worker, was invited by Project Crossroads to talk about Compassionate Listening, a unique tool for reconciliation. 

Ms. Hoffman developed this tool after realizing that all parties in a conflict were wounded & needed to be heard.  Her overarching principle is that hearing each other's story reveals unhealed wounds & allows for mutual compassion & understanding. 

In this way Compassionate Listening helps to build bridges between individuals & communities in conflict & can ultimately lead to reconciliation. 

Reconciliation is the most difficult of peace processes because it requires the resumption of relationship between those in conflict. It means the coming together in harmony of those who have been sundered.

My sense is that if we'd reconcile, we must make radically new responses to the radically new situation in a world where violence is mindless, hopeless, meaningless & almost every nation has nuclear weapons, if they don't now, they soon will. 

We must move beyond initiatives we formerly used, into realms we haven't yet considered, not yet discovered, trusting that they're are always open to us & new divine possibilities.

We peace people have always listened to the oppressed & disenfranchised. That's very important. One of the new steps I think we should take is to listen to those we consider 'the enemy' w/ the same openness, non-judgment & compassion we bring to those w/whom our sympathies lie.

Everyone has a partial truth & we must listen, discern, acknowledge this partial truth in everyone, particularly those w/whom we disagree.  That remarkable saint, Thomas Aquinas, would support this, for he wrote:

"We must love them both, those w/whom we agree & those w/whom we disagree.  For both have labored in the search of truth & both have helped in the finding of it."

To reconcile, we must realize that both sides to any violence are wounded & their wounds are unhealed. From my study of post-traumatic stress disorder in Holocaust victims & Vietnam Veterans, I am persuaded that a great source of violence is our unhealed wounds.

In 1980 I had a life-changing experience. I was on a world tour of peace centers to learn what I could bring back to the USA. 

Outside the London Quaker Meeting I saw a huge sign which said: "Meeting for Worship for the torturers & the tortured." I'd long known I should listen to the tortured, but listen to the torturers? I'd never thought of that.

I began wrestling w/the idea that I should listen to both sides of any conflict & when I arrived in Israel I began listening to Israelis & Palestinians. I found it changed my perspectives on each. I began to practice it everywhere I went.

In 1989 my work-focus became the Middle East & in that year a small group of us from the Fellowship of Reconciliation went to Libya to listen to the Libyans after we'd bombed Libya twice, first to kill Khadaffi & second after we'd downed 2 Libyan planes over Libya.  We knew our governments' side & we wanted to hear the other.  We did.

After 10 days in Tripoli, as guests of the Libyan government, we learned a lot.  We met w/Libyan leaders, professors, government members, religious representatives. 

We had new messages to present to our government such as "Please remove the mines you've deposited in the Sahara Desert [during World War II]; we can't do it alone, please resume conversations w/ our government over our differences & please let Libyan students return to American Universities."

Our government wouldn't listen to us, since we'd gone there illegally. So we wrote our articles, spoke publicly where we could & were considered 'dangerous.'

My next efforts were on my own. Between 1989 & 1996, I went to Israel & Palestine some 7 times to listen to both sides.  I listened to Israeli psychiatrists, Settlers, government members, peace people, writers, publishers & plain people. 

In the West Bank, since I stayed in Palestinian homes, I had more opportunity to listen to the people: refugees, families, parents whose sons had been killed, some of their sons who hadn't, academics, peace leaders & twice I met w/Yassir Arafat. 

Out of those experiences came Pax Christi's Just World book of 1991 called Pieces of the Mideast Puzzle.

The breakthrough for beginning to practice Compassionate Listening in the Middle East on a broader scale came in 1996 when Leah Green, Director of Earthstewards' Mid-East Citizen Diplomacy project contacted me. 

She said she had read everything I'd written on Compassionate Listening & she'd like to have her delegations to Israel & Palestine begin to practice it.  We took a group of 18 people to Israel & Palestine in November, 1996, for a trial run. 

Now we're preparing for our first formal Compassionate Listening delegation, which will bring Rabbis & Jewish community leaders to listen deeply to Israelis & Palestinians representing all sides of the conflict.

Compassionate Listening is adaptable to any conflict. The listening requires a particular attitude.  It's non-judgmental, non-adversarial & seeks the truth of the person questioned.  It also seeks to see thru any masks of hostility & fear to the sacredness of the individual & to discern the wounds suffered by all parties. 

Listeners don't defend themselves, but accept what others say as their perceptions. By listening they validate the others' right to those perceptions.

I'm not talking about listening w/the 'human ear.' I'm talking about discerning. To discern means to perceive some thing hidden or obscure.  We must listen w/our 'spiritual ear.' This is very different from deciding in advance who is right & who is wrong, & then seeking to rectify it. 

And, it's very hard to listen to people whom I feel are misleading, if not lying. Hard to listen to such different memories of the same event - hard!

Here are two definitions of reconciliation we use. Thich Nhat Hanh, the Vietnamese teacher, peace-maker & poet, describes it as "understanding both sides."

Adam Curie, senior Quaker mediator from England, says "We must work for harmony wherever we are, to bring together what's sundered by fear, hatred, resentment, injustice or any other conditions which divide us.  ...

I begin w/a concept of human nature based on the belief in a divine element w/in each of us, which is ever available, awaiting our call to help us restore harmony.  We must remember this good exists in those we oppose."

I have since learned there are similar traditions & teachings in Judaism & Islam. 

In his book, Jewish Renewal, Michael Lerner reminds us that "The Book of Jonah, read in synagogues on Yom Kippur, reminds us that compassion must be extended to the enemies of the Jewish people... (which means) keeping in mind at all times that they too are created in the image of God & that distortions of them that lead them to wish us ill are the product of a world of pain & cruelty that shaped them in this particular way.

From Islam comes this teaching by Abderrazak Guessoum, vice rector of the great Mosque of Paris."...Islam is tolerance, service & mercy, though it may surprise many non-Muslims to learn it. 

The Koran rejects all violence.  Even the notion of Jihad, so often translated as 'holy war,' actually refers to the struggle of every Muslim not to stray from the path of Obedience to the will of God revealed in the Koran"

I believe that the call is for us to see that w/in all people is the mystery, the Spirit/God. It's w/in the Afrikaaner, the Contra, The Americans, Palestinians & Israelis, everyone.  By Compassionate Listening we may awaken it & thus learn the partial truth the other is carrying.

Here is a partial process: Thich Nhat Hanh asks this of us:

"In South Africa the black people suffer enormously, but the white people also suffer.  If we take one side , we can't fulfill our task of reconciliation." 

Can you be in touch w/both sides, understanding the suffering & fears of each, telling each side about the other? Can you understand deeply the suffering of both sides?"⁵

Finally, I treasure this quotation from the poet Longfellow:

"If we could read the secret history of our enemies, we should find in each person's life sorrow & suffering enough to disarm all hostility."

Gene Knudsen Hoffman expands on this theme in her 1995 Pendle Hill Pamphlet: No Royal Road to Reconciliation.  (Pendle Hill, Wallingford, Pa.)

Notes and Bibliography

1.  Thich Nhat Hanh, Being Peace, Parallax Press, 1988

2.  Adam Curle, True Justice, Quaker Home Service, London, 1981

3.  Michael Lerner, Jewish Renewal, Harper Perennial, 1994

4.  Nell Platt, Passing from Belief to Practice, Reconciliation International 1987.

5.  ibid. 1

People Hearing But Not Listening
By Bill Southworth

In the communication process there are two essential parts to effective communication: speaking & listening. We seem to focus primarily on the speaking part, that is, effective delivery of a thought, opinion, or position on an issue.

I see the continued popularity of Toast Masters & presentation skills workshops among so many of my clients. On the other hand, listening, as in listening to understand, is the part of effective communication that receives much less emphasis & yet is the most critical.

This & future articles will explores some of the bad listening habits that are barriers to good communication, as well as good listening habits. It's important to understand first what's not working w/your listening habit(s) before moving on to change those habits.

I think each reader will be able to identify w/at least one of these habits. When you recognize a habit you'll probably have some clues about your part in ineffective communication. These clues will significantly contribute to better relationships at home, at work, in your communities & in the world.

There's a wide variety of ineffective listening habits that people develop over the years, often based upon how they've been listened to from early childhood up to the present time. I put listening in quotes simply because true listening is often not happening. There may be only a mechanical process of just hearing words & it appears that some form of communication is taking place. But true listening in which the speaker feels understood isn't happening.

In a March 27th column in The Cortez Journal I mentioned that we have a tendency to exclude people on the basis of their differences (from us). These differences may be based on race, gender, age, ethnic group, nationality, religious belief, political ideology, income & opinions.

This exclusionary behavior shows up quite clearly in how we listen to the people we exclude. In some instances we refuse to listen to them by simply avoiding them & any contact w/their written or spoken views. We don't want to hear their point of view, let alone try to understand it. We've already made up our minds about them & decided to exclude them.

In this case no communication takes place & therefore there's no understanding. It's our right to avoid people & opinions we don't agree with, but I believe that leaves us in a weaker position as family, community & nation.

For example, think of all the times you have avoided eye contact or discussing a difficult topic w/a family member or neighbor.

In other situations when we can't avoid contact w/people we'd rather exclude, we may listen in a variety of ways. For example, there's the Mindset Approach in which we've already decided what we think they're going to say, we know we won't agree & nothing they say will change our minds about their opinions or about them as people.

Or we use The-Best-Defense-is-a-Good-Offense Approach in which we launch into stating our position on an issue before the other parties are ready to express their position. We want the advantage of the high ground so we dominate the time & don't care about equal time or a level playing field for others to express their ideas.

Or we try the Reload Approach in which we listen just carefully enough to figure out what to reload to make our own points during a counterattack on the other's views. The moment there's some slight break in the action we jump back in to keep pushing our point. This works well as a strategy for a debate or a courtroom, but not well for effective communication. Like the other approaches, it undermines effective listening & therefore effective communication.

Do you use these non-listening tactics?
Do you know others who use them?
How are your communications?

the power of listening

Author: Adam Khan

WHAT IF WE REALLY LISTENED to people, instead of doing what passes for listening most of the time?

The person talking to you would have an extraordinary experience. With your observational powers on full throttle, you'd perceive more than you normally do & your speaker would feel that something uncommon was taking place.

Not only would you understand the speaker's words, but you'd grasp her small nuances of meaning. You'd perceive how she feels about you. You'd understand more of her personality. And you'd probably know something of what she's leaving unsaid as well.

The difference between you (fully listening) & other listeners (with minds wandering) would be so noticeable as to be startling.

Why is this important? Because your overall effectiveness in life depends on your ability to deal with people well. This discipline of listening will send your ability with people into another league entirely!

A man once said of Sigmund Freud, "He struck me so forcibly that I shall never forget him. His eyes were mild & genial. His voice was low & kind. His gestures were few. But the attention he gave me, his appreciation of what I said, even when I said it badly, was extraordinary.

You've no idea what it meant to be listened to like that."

Fully concentrating your attention on the speaker is only the beginning of better listening. It's a necessary first step, like the undercoat of a painting, but it's only the start.

To be a first-class listener, you'd encourage the speaker, you'd let her know with your nods & expressions & body language that you appreciate what she's saying, that you enjoy the conversation & most of all, that you respect her.

When you listen this way, you won't be silent. You won't be passive. On the contrary, you'll be exerting yourself because you need to be doing several things simultaneously: You're taking in the information; you're picking up on the emotional significance being communicated; you're letting the speaker know that you understand & appreciate what she's saying - & you're doing all this without interrupting her flow of speech.

Also, when you're listening well, you're asking the person questions that she'll enjoy answering or questions that she'll find valuable to answer; you're helping her clarify what she's saying so she's left with more understanding about herself after she's done talking with you & you're communicating silently to the speaker that you respect what she's saying, even when you disagree.

When you do disagree, learn to avoid making a direct assertion that disagrees or invalidates her ideas. Instead, learn to say, "I feel that such and such is the case. I may be wrong but I got my information in this magazine (or wherever you got it)."

This is a lot to do simultaneously. It's not easy. It's a discipline. Treat it like any other difficult skill & practice, practice, practice. The benefits to the person speaking are the satisfaction of being heard and understood. The person gets the joy of intimacy, a feeling of closeness & the rare experience of talking with someone who really cares.

And what about you? You'll become a better person by practicing this discipline-you'll grow stronger and more perceptive. You'll improve your ability to concentrate. You relationships will be more strongly bonded. You'll understand more about the people in your life.

So practice listening. It will teach you about yourself and other people, and you'll win loyal allies and lifelong friends. 

As a personal discipline, practice listening well
when someone is talking to you.

how to listen in a way that helps

The following is a paper Brant Burleson wrote that I translated from academic language into conversational English. Burleson's paper is titled, Some Distinguishing Features of More and Less Effective Messages Intended to Provide Emotional Support.

Burleson is a researcher at Purdue University, studying communication & emotion & he has discovered some very powerful facts about listening.

Burleson is perfectly capable of writing conversational English, but hasn't written his work for the layman yet. He's a researcher & he writes for academic journals or textbooks (like these), but his work is very useful, so I thought I'd make it available for us regular folks.

Burleson's research is for anyone listening to anyone, but to help shorten this piece & make it easier to read, I wrote it specifically as advice to a man about listening to his mate.

What Really Helps

When your mate is having troubles & talks to you about it, some of what you do will be helpful & some won't. Research shows clearly that many of our attempts to help someone we love fail - even when we sincerely wish to help. We often don't know how to help effectively, so it often goes badly. Helping someone is sometimes tricky & complicated & so many things can go wrong, often we don't want to even try.

Very few of us have any formal training in listening. Very few of us have seen a competent helper in action & we feel inept, uneducated, incompetent.

Brant Burleson of Purdue University has looked at this subject thoroughly, reading at the studies of others & conducting his own experiments. After a complete review of the research on the subject, Burleson can say with a fair degree of certainty that most people will find the following helpful:

1. Your intention to help. Tell your mate you want to help. Somehow make it clear you have a strong desire to help her. Just knowing someone wants to help is helpful. When people are experiencing negative emotions, they aren't as good at reading your intentions as they usually are. So make it very clear you want to help & spread that message throughout your conversation, emphasizing your sincere desire to help.

2. Acceptance & positive regard. A desire to help someone can be interpreted as meaning, "You aren't smart enough or skilled enough to deal with it yourself." In other words, your expression of a desire to help can have the effect of making your mate feel invalidated. So this 2nd point needs to be emphasized also - yes, make it very clear you want to help, but also make it clear you're a helper & she's the main actor in this situation. She's in control.

She's the one who makes the decisions about her own life. She's the boss. This problem is hers & you're only an assistant. Convey your respect clearly & strongly. And acknowledge her strengths. With your words & tone & body language, make sure she knows you accept her, like her, feel affection for her, respect her & recognize her competence. This is positive regard.

3. Situation interest. Indicate clearly you care about her situation. Express concern & interest in the circumstances bothering her. This allows her to open up without feeling she's taking your time when you don't want to listen. It makes her feel welcome to talk freely about the situation, which she'll find helpful because it allows her to think about it; to examine the facts & her feelings about it.

When she gets an opportunity to think things thru without interruption, it'll lower her feelings of distress & increase her ability to resolve the problem successfully. Remember, everything written on this page is based on solid research.

4. Empathy & understanding. Anything you express that says, "I understand what your circumstances are & I understand why you feel the way you do," will be taken well. Sincerity is important. Express your sincere appreciation for her feelings & circumstances.

In other words, really try to put yourself in her situation & imagine what it would be like for you to experience those circumstances - thru her eyes, not yours. And make sure you communicate your understanding carefully.

Don't say things like, "I completely understand what you're feeling." Sincerity means honesty & your expressions of understanding need to be honest. You don't know for sure you completely understand exactly what she's going thru. You can't really say (& it doesn't help) that you have felt exactly what she's feeling.

5. Make yourself available. In whatever way you can, make sure she knows you're available to her, you'll listen, you aren't going anywhere & even if she's upset, you'll not abandon her. Encourage her to talk & limit your own talking to whatever will encourage her to talk more about the problem & her feelings about it.

6. Ally. Make sure your mate knows that no matter what, you're on her side. You're in full alliance with her. These 6 things (above) are appreciated by almost everyone & will help them handle their emotions better & deal with their circumstances better.

Another category of actions you can take that will very often help is to tell her you recognize the legitimacy of her reactions to the situation.

We can break this category into 5 separate kinds of legitimacy:

1. Make sure she knows you think her feelings & actions are reasonable & perfectly understandable. Express your genuine feelings that her response is legitimate.

2. Let her know you think her feelings are normal & fit the situation.

3. Let her know you appreciate how difficult her situation is.

4. Let her know you sincerely believe she isn't at fault (in areas where she is blaming herself unjustly).

5. Make sure she knows it's okay with you she's expressing her upset. In other words, don't ever give her the impression she shouldn't be crying or appearing upset. Let her know expressing her distressed feelings is understandable & you fully allow it.

What will make this sincere is putting yourself in her shoes. Imagine what it must be like for her. Imagine what it would be like for you if you were in her shoes.

This is the key to empathy. And that means completely in her shoes. With her perspective on things. With her values. With her past experiences. Imagine what you would feel like if this event happened to you but you were experiencing it from her point of view, not yours.

Another category of helpful communication is encouraging your mate to go into more detail about the circumstances & her feelings.

There are 6 ways to do that:

1. Say things that let her know you're interested in hearing her story.

2. Say things that let her know you want to hear about her feelings & reactions to the situation.

3. Ask open-ended questions about her feelings & reactions.

4. Tell her what you guess she must be feeling, but tell her you're guessing & ask her about it.

5. When she describes her feelings, tell her what you heard. "So that made you angry, huh?"

6. Make sure you acknowledge her statements & say things (& use your body language) to encourage her to elaborate.

Most people will find it helpful if you encourage them to talk about their feelings, but one study indicated some people prefer you let them decide whether they want to talk about it or not. It's fairly safe to ask open-ended questions about the circumstances & of course, encourage her to tell her story.

But make sure this doesn't come across as an interrogation.

Giving Advice

Sometimes you might have something to say that'll help your mate actually solve the problem she's distressed about. And sometimes giving information or advice is greatly appreciated, but sometimes it isn't.

Information & advice is risky for 2 reasons:

First, she'll only think it's helpful if the information is relevant & she considers the source of the information to be an expert on the problem. If she feels the advice might truly be effective & if it's something she could really do (& not some "ideal" action she couldn't conceivably do), there's a chance she'll find it helpful.

2nd, even if you meet those requirements, your advice can still backfire if it carries the implied message, "You're inept." Don't make her feel wrong & don't be domineering. If you come across too controlling, she'll feel you're taking away her autonomy.

Both of these are considered by most people to be distinctly unhelpful, even making things worse.

Here are a few more things that sometimes help & sometimes don't help:

1. Reassurance: Saying, "Everything will work out."

2. Statements you have no way of knowing: "The worst is over." "Things are getting better."

3. Trying to make your mate see things more positively: "Well, look on the bright side…"

4. Trying to distract her from thinking about it.

Because these are sometimes helpful & sometimes not helpful, it is probably best to avoid them altogether. You have plenty of definitely helpful things you can do.

What Doesn't Help

Now we get to things fairly certain to be unhelpful. When you violate 1 of the 3 rules below, you have a good chance of making your mate feel worse than she already feels:

1. Don't say (verbally or nonverbally) her feelings or the way she's expressing her feelings are wrong.

2. Don't indicate she should stop doing what she's doing (pacing back & forth, wringing her hands, etc.).

3. Never try to stop her expression of emotion. Don't tell her to calm down, i.e.

Let's go into more detail about exactly what Burleson found to be counterproductive. Violate any of the rules below & it'll probably make things worse when your mate is talking to you about a problem.

Follow the rules below & you'll be a better, more helpful listener:

1. Don't tell her she's overreacting or blowing things out of proportion. Don't minimize what she's feeling.

2. If she's upset about a problem with a person, don't insult or put that person down.

3. Don't tell her she has no right to be upset about what happened because it's her fault it happened.

4. Don't imply that the reason she's in this mess is that she's incompetent.

5. Don't indicate that expressing her negative feelings makes her problem worse. This is a form of rejecting her feelings & doesn't help.

6. Don't make her think her emotions are uncalled for because her problem is so small. Don't say her upset is unnecessary because the problem is so easy to solve. This is another form of rejecting her feelings & saying her feelings aren't legitimate.

7. Never tell her how she should think or feel about her situation.

8. Don't tell her to forget about her problem.

9. Never tell her to ignore her feelings.

10. Don't tell her to think about happier things.

11. Don't spend very much time (if any) on your feelings about the situation, or about something similar that happened to you.

12. Beware of being too involved to the point of intrusiveness. Don't be overly doting or overly concerned. It's possible to take your care & concern too far & when you do, it ceases to be helpful & can even be harmful when it crosses the line into trying to control or persuade her to do what you think is best, or making her feel like a "poor little thing" which is a way of implying she's incapable dealing with it.

In other words, completely avoid criticism of any kind about anyone or anything when someone is troubled. It isn't helpful.

Why Burleson thinks one of the main reasons good listening helps a person feel less upset is it gives your mate a chance to think about her situation differently.

There are basically 2 ways to help someone with a problem: Actually help her solve the problem, or help her interpret her problem differently (so the problem, even though it hasn't changed, becomes less upsetting because of the new interpretation).

By following the findings above, your mate is able to talk openly about the problem & her feelings about it, making it easier for her to think about it (because you aren't interrupting, you're making her feel okay about talking about it, you're not trying to control her expression, etc.).

Because you're listening, as she struggles to tell you about her situation & her feelings about it, she understands the situation better. She's able to start making sense of it.

As she thinks about it without any persuasive efforts on your part, she can begin to change her mind about some of the conclusions she originally jumped to. She begins to change how she interprets her situation. When she changes her interpretation, her feelings will change.

As she calms down, her thoughts become even more rational & practical & her understanding of her problem improves even more & her understanding evolves toward something more constructive than her first take on it.

The kind of conversation that really helps has 3 main characteristics:

1. Safe environment. You make a safe place to talk. You let her know you accept & have affection for her & that you care about her & that your intentions are good. You encourage her expressions of her feelings & then encourage her to go into detail about them, never invalidating any of her feelings, always helping her know it's safe for her to speak honestly. And you keep the environment conducive to communication by minimizing interruptions & distractions.

2. Encourage feelings. You encourage her to talk about her emotions. You keep an ear out for any expressions of emotions she has about the problem & then follow up on every one of them, helping those feelings come out in the open & inviting her to express the emotions in detail - not for any therapeutic-venting purposes (which research has shown to be ineffective), but to help her learn what her real feelings are about the situation. You ask questions about the problem & her feelings & the way she's interpreting the situation & you assure her it's okay to talk about her feelings.