What we are feeling

I grew up believing
what was expected of me
was to prove how strong
& violent I could be.

And i've been afraid to admit it
when I'm lonely, scared, or sad.
I thought feelings were weakness
& weakness was bad.

They must enter directly into the process of learning from inside their own bodies. It's this "know how in the bones" that enables each generation to pass special ways of body knowing on to the next, but in a manner quite different from communicating information thru concepts & ideas that our minds can grasp.

The human body has a unique way of felt-knowing which is different from thinking, analyzing & reasoning.

Your body spontaneously recognizes the whole of a situation, a relationship, or an experience, together with the interacting web of complex connections that goes along with each of them.

Your body knows in a great gulp, while your mind must systematically chew its way thru each individual piece.

NAIL IN THE FENCE

Please read all the way down to the last sentence.  
(Most importantly the last sentence)

There once was a little boy who had a bad temper.

His Father gave him a bag of nails & told him that every time he lost his temper,
he must hammer a nail into the back of the fence.

The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence.

Over the next few weeks, as he learned to control his anger, the number of nails hammered daily gradually dwindled down.

He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence. 

Finally the day came when the boy didn't lose his temper at all. He told his father about it & the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper.

The days passed & the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone.

The father took his son by the hand & led him to the fence. He said, "You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same.

When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one. You can put a knife in a man & draw it out.
It won't matter how many times you say "I'm sorry," the wound is still there."

A verbal wound is as bad as a physical one.

Please forgive me if I have ever left a hole.

Author unknown.

Our human species has been blessed with 2 entirely different ways of knowing.

The other 4 pointed to special ways of knowing in the body. This is the world of hunch, intuition, creativity, inspiration, revelation.

Wisdom is always more than information. It's living from inside the actual experience of our body-connections.

Everyday feelings, emotions & physical sensations represent an important 1st step into the world of felt body connections. Such body-links bring their own special meaning into our lives, a meaning that's "felt" rather than "thought."  

ALL FEELINGS, whether positive or negative, are an important part of our body's intelligence because they introduce us to these deeper felt meanings. 

feelings:

• If you know how you feel, let yourself know that this is how you're feeling right now & that's okay.

• You don't have to know where it's coming from.

• You don't even have to know what to name it; you may simply know that you've got pain in your chest.

• Breathe thru it.

• Let your feelings just be there.

• You don't have to do anything with them, just accept that this is how you feel.

why you feel a certain way:

1. Identify the source of your feelings:

• Know that you're not being "silly" or "crazy" for feeling how you feel; your feelings are there for a good reason.

• Turn inward - ask yourself, "what are these feelings connected to?"

• Wait & see what you notice. You might just know, remember something, see an image, hear a sound, notice tension in a particular area of your body.

• Try not to analyze, interpret or judge what comes to you. Be open to what you notice.

• Go deeper. We may think we already know why we're feeling a certain way, but sometimes there's more to it than what we think.

• Being patient & receptive helps us to go deeper.

If nothing comes to you, that's okay, too. It helps to just let yourself feel. What do I do with these feelings?

Express or release feelings

Even if you don't know why you're feeling this way, you can still express yourself in the privacy of your own home.

• Focus on how you feel. Open your mouth & let a sound come from that feeling.

• Move with the feeling. You can dance, stomp around, kick, hit something.

• Scream. If you're worried about the sound, you can scream into a pillow.

• Cry. If you feel like crying, give yourself permission to do this.

• Write or draw from this feeling place. Don't censor yourself, let the feeling do the writing or drawing.

• Say out loud what you need to say to someone.

• Tell someone supportive how you're feeling.

It's too much for me. I can't take it any more. What do I do?

The Importance of Feelings

I feel very strongly about the importance of feelings. I feel passionate about it, in fact. I grew up in a very "intellectual" family. We didn't talk about our feelings. No one ever taught my parents how to talk about their feelings. So, they never taught us. One result was that I've had to go thru a lot of unnecessary financial & emotional pain because of my lack of knowledge & skills when it came both my own feelings & the feelings of others.

Until I was about 35 whenever someone would ask how I felt, I would tell them what I thought. I didn't know the difference between thoughts & feelings. Now I've learned the language of feelings (see Emotional Literacy). I want to help you avoid some of the pain that I've suffered from my ignorance of the importance of feelings.

I also want to help you avoid being abused as I was when I was 18. I believe the main reason I was abused is that I was unable to express my feelings & act upon them.. I was unable to do this because partly because I wasn't taught to & partly because I didn't have self-confidence to even say when I felt uncomfortable.

One reason I didn't have self-confidence was because because my parents & family didn't accept me & my feelings. (See my abuse story to see how not being able to express my feelings & act upon them contributed to my being sexually abused.)

We live in an "intellectual" society. We're surrounded by textbooks, exams, grades, test scores & achievement tests. If you're "smart," you're encouraged to make good grades so you can go to college or university where more demands will be made on the intellectual part of your brain.

This comes will come at the expense of the emotional part of your brain. I believe that higher education is toxic to emotional development. I sometimes say a Ph.D. is the kiss of emotional death.

New brain research is giving us more information about our "emotional brain." I believe the new information is some of the most important information you'll ever come across in your life, if you do happen to come across it.

But so far not much of it has been added to school or university lessons. Some places are including a little study of emotional intelligence, but unfortunately most of what's being taught is based on the misleading work of Daniel Goleman.

Still there seem to be a few people around the world who are discovering the importance of our individual emotions & the importance of what emotional intelligence really is. Some people are realizing that it takes more than being "smart" & "successful" to be happy. It takes more than money, status & fame. It takes more than material possessions. (For more on the importance of emotions & feelings see this link.)

I encourage you to make time to identify your feelings & to study everything I've written on my eqi.org site. I really believe the time you spend on reading it & thinking about it will be one of the best investments you can make for your own personal happiness.

Getting in Touch with Feelings

Why it's important to be in touch with your feelings

• Become a more real & authentic person.

• Become more honest with yourself about who you are, where you've come from & where you're going.

• Begin to be more willing to take risks & become more vulnerable & intimate in interpersonal relationships.

• Cease being in denial about what's really happening in your life.

• No longer pull in & hide so that you become invisible to yourself & others.

• Take the risk of no longer disassociating or becoming numb when things are going on in your life which are negative or overwhelming.

• Make yourself stay conscious to the reality of your life so that you're able to recall or remember it in the future rather than to have no memory of it.

• Push yourself to have a broadened or enriched emotional vocabulary to describe the experiences of your life.

• Cease viewing life from a black or white perspective & become more willing to take the gray into account.

• Open yourself up to grieve the losses in your life so that you no longer use denial, repression, suppression, or delusion to describe your life the way you wanted it to be but rather describe your life the way it really was.

• Allow yourself to become a congruent healthy human being who uses rational, reality-based thinking to assist your feelings to become rational & reality-based so that the actions & behaviors which follow are also rational & reality-based.

• Are open to the spirit of your inner child in your soul who allows you to enjoy your life to the fullest without the constraints or restrictions of how you "should'' think, feel or act.

• Live life moment to moment, day to day & become reasonably happy realizing that feelings are a natural, human process.

• Begin to accept that feeling all feelings is OK & that there's no right or wrong feeling.

• Become open to experience the full continuum of emotions from the most painfully negative to the most exhilaratingly positive.

• Grow in the ability to listen, understand & be empathetic to others' verbal & nonverbal expressions of feelings & emotions.

Causes for your being out of touch with your feelings

There are 3 major reasons why you may currently be out of touch with your own feelings.

They're:

• Nonfeeling personality pattern

This behavioral pattern is described in Laying the Foundation (below). This pattern is also known as Alexathemia, the absence of feeling, emotionally laden vocabulary & experience.

• Pulling-in personality pattern

This behavioral pattern is described in Laying the Foundation (below).  This is a withdrawal pattern in which you resort to a low profile or invisibility to hold in emotions in order to avoid being dragged into the conflicts & troubles going on around you in life.

Disassociation

This is a survival pattern of becoming numb or disconnected from the emotions that accompany an event which is unpleasant, threatening, abusive, violent, uncomfortable, or challenging to you. This pattern enables you to terminate an association with the event so as to survive the event & get on with your life. (also see survival behaviors by clicking here)

Feelings inside persons with the non-feeling personality traits

• Not sure what all the fuss is about

• Annoyed at people who become overemotional or explosive with their feelings

• Offended & hurt when challenged about their lack of response to others' feelings

• Feel as if they're being taken advantage of because of their easygoing nature

• Unsure if they have the right to stand up for themselves; unsure of what steps to take to ensure protection of their rights

• Feel they're being victimized by others who are overly verbal & overly emotional

• Resist being pushed into decisions involving human relationships

• Feel confident in decisions involving logic & reason; feel insecure in decisions involving feelings & emotions

• Feel ill at ease when spotlight of attention is put on them

• Get confused when they're asked by others to tell how they "feel''

• Annoyed & resentful at those who pressure them to reveal how they "feel''

• Hide behind a mask of "no feelings''

• Fearful of getting into intense discussions on emotional issues

• Resentful for being misunderstood or put down because they don't react emotionally to things, events, or relationships

• Feel proud about their ability to maintain their cool & laid-back stance in the midst of a crisis

• Annoyed at the implication that they have problems because they don't respond emotionally to others

• Annoyed that their rights are being abused, but unsure of what to do about it

• Insecure in the presence of a sharp witted, verbally emotive individual

• Threatened by fear of rejection or loss of approval when confronted with demands of others to "show their true colors''

• Fearful of letting others know how they really feel about things because they're unsure themselves how they feel

• Feelings of inferiority over inability to identify & label feelings in themselves & others

• Feelings of incompetence & discomfort in emotional discussions or conversations

Negative consequences of non-feeling behaviors

• Low self-esteem

• The more unemotional they remain with verbal or emotional people, the more they experience rejection, being ignored, or taken advantage of

• They run the risk of developing ulcers, gastrointestinal complaints, high blood pressure, heart disease & cancer due to unresolved & unidentified feelings

• By denial they can allow situations to get so out of hand that they erupt into major crises or disasters

• They absorb so much pain, hurt & suffering silently that they run the risk of suffering depression, anxiety & neurotic phobias

• They run the risk of medicating their sense of being misunderstood, ignored & forgotten thru abuse of alcohol, drugs, work, food, sex, etc.

• Their behavior can drive others in their life to a point of panic, hysteria, overreaction, or emotional exhaustion

• Their mode of interacting can result in a breakdown in interpersonal relationships until they suffer abandonment by the very ones who love them & reach out to them

• Their behavior can lead to stubbornness & inflexibility; they can become overcontrolling, demanding things be their way or else

• They have problems getting help from counselors because they feel under pressure to reveal feelings they're unable to identify

• They resent the overemphasis on emotions & feelings in a "helping'' environment & can become resistant, terminating such helping efforts prematurely

• They can desire a "status quo,'' forcing those in the environment to repress all feelings & emotions, creating a high stress environment where all members are driven to sick behavior

• Rigid adherence to their behavior can lead them to a perfectionistic, idealistic view of the world where any feelings shown are considered bad; only calm, peaceful coexistence is considered good

• Non-emotional environments can result in fear of conflict & disagreement, ultimately resulting in avoidance of problem solving

• Non-emotional environments can result in a lack of physical intimacy & touching

• Open signs of affection & caring are absent, leading to physical distancing between the members

• A person with rigid adherence to this behavior role can lead others to feel unwanted, uncared for, not respected, insecure & unaccepted; therefore, lowering their self-esteem

Irrational beliefs of people with the non-feeling personality traits

• Being overemotional &/or showing feelings is a sign of sickness, instability, weakness, or hysteria.

• The healthy person is calm, cool & collected.

• Too much fuss is made about feelings & emotions.

• People who are always expressing how they feel lack the logic & sense to solve problems.

• It isn't how you feel that solves a problem; it's what the logical, researched facts are that solve the problem

• It's the content of a problem or an issue, not the feelings that are important.

• All this touchy feely stuff is crap!

• What are they talking about, "I don't have feelings.'' I have feelings. I just can't put words on them.

• It isn't how I feel, but what I think that's important.

• There's no need to get emotional over everything.

• Keep a stiff upper lip.

• Be strong & keep it in.

• You don't help anybody by hanging your dirty laundry out to dry.

• You must keep your cool in any crisis, disaster, or loss because if you don't you're bound to overreact, thereby appearing weak.

• You'll never catch me crying in public.

• There's nothing wrong with keeping things calm, peaceful & placid.

• Even-tempered & laid-back, is the only way to be.

• There's no reason to get outside help for our problems.

• We should be able to solve our problems easily & in an organized, systematic way with little fuss or turmoil.

• All counselors, support groups & emotional discussions are crap!

Turning negative non-feeling traits into positive potential

Pulling-In Personality

Appearance to the world of the pulling-in personality

Feelings inside persons with the pulling-in personality traits

• Feel like outsiders

• Confused about what's occurring in their lives

• Feel a need to look out for themselves, stay out of others' way

• Feel comfortable alone

• Feel like strangers in their families, peer groups, or work setting

• Feel like they're unimportant

• Low self-esteem

• Feel isolated, alone, different & socially inept

• Fearful of social interactions

• Fearful of not being accepted, Fear of rejection

• Hurt over being ignored & left out

• Rage & anger over the problems in their lives that isolate them from others

• Confusion sexually as to what's normal; suffer doubts about their own sexual adequacy

• Feel ignored, unsupported, rejected

• Repress negative feelings

• Deep sense of loneliness

• Expect little of themselves

Negative consequences of pulling-in behaviors 

• Low self-esteem

• Their feelings get ignored

• They become more isolated & out of touch with the system

• They become neglected

• They escape into a "fantasy'' world

• Compulsive escapes into TV, music, books, etc.

• Overweight, compulsive eaters

• Prone to chemical dependency

• Make poor judgments in situations in which interpersonal communication is needed.

• Lack close, long-lasting friendships & personal relationships

• Prone to allergies & asthma

• Prone to illnesses & accidents

• Prone to passive aggressive means of handling conflicts

• Personal needs get ignored

• Poor risk takers

• Overemphasis on importance of material possessions

• Fearful of getting help

• Sexual identity problems

Irrational beliefs of people with the pulling-in personality traits

• No one loves or cares about me.

• No matter what I do, I'll never get any recognition for it.

• They'll see me as a failure.

• It's a waste of time to try reaching out to others.

• I don't fit in this environment.

• No one will ever help me, so I need to take care of myself.

• People hurt you, so stay away from them.

• If I told others how I felt about them, it would make no difference; they wouldn't change.

• I don't deserve to be loved.

• Reject them before they reject me.

• The only pleasures available in life are imaginary & unattainable.

• Avoid being hurt at all costs.

• People are out to get you & to take advantage of you.

• All women (or men) are predators & they'll devour you once they get their claws on you.

• The people in the novels I read are my best friends.

• There's no reward in life except to survive.

• Don't let anyone know your true feelings, because then they'll take advantage of you.

• Never open yourself up to be vulnerable because you'll get hurt every time.

• Don't ever let down your guard or you'll be beaten down.

• Avoid involvement with those who are pushy, nosey, or interfering.

• I'm at peace with who I am.

Turning negative pulling-in traits into positive potential

New rational self-scripts to encourage you to get in touch with your feelings

The following are positive, rational, reality-based affirmations you may want to use in mirror work & journal writing in order to facilitate your ability to identify & express your feelings:

• It's healthy to feel your feelings.

• There's no such thing as a right or wrong feeling.

• All feelings are OK.

• It's OK to feel what I'm feeling now.

• No one can take what I'm currently feeling away from me.

• I have a right to feel my feelings.

• No one can judge me wrong for feeling the feelings I experience in my life.

• It's OK to have negative feelings & to identify & express them freely.

• I'm feeling feelings every second of my waking hours.

• Identifying & expressing my feelings makes me a real & authentic human being.

• No one can deny me my feelings.

• No one can tell me how I should be feeling.

• No one has the right to make me feel bad or guilty for the feelings I'm feeling.

• I'm more alive & vigorous when I'm in touch with my feelings.

• I have a right to have my feelings be visible, seen & heard by others.

• I'll no longer hide my feelings & emotions from myself & the others in my life.

• I deserve to give & receive honest feedback about my feelings toward persons, places, things & events in my life.

• I deserve to have my feelings listened to by others.

• I choose to feel my feelings be they positive or negative so that I cease being numb to my life.

• I have the right to experience the grief & mourning emotions which I will feel as I face the losses in my life.

• I'll heal & grow as I become more in touch with my feelings.

• I'll "grow down'' more as I open myself up to get in touch with my feelings

How to improve the identification & experiencing of your feelings

To help you get in touch with your feelings you can do one or more of the following:

• Keep a daily feelings log.

• Keep a daily journal identifying what happened to you in the day and how it made you feel.

• Work on identifying the losses you experienced in your life and grieve the loss of them by using the strategies for handling losses in Tools for Handling Loss.

• Do anger workouts on an as needed basis and do the anger work strategies as identified in Tools for Anger Workout.

• Use effective listening and responding techniques in your communications with others so that you are able to express your feelings, listen to and understand the feelings of others, and respond to them to reflect this understanding. This work is more fully explained in Tools for Communications.

• Read books about others whose life histories are similar to yours and see how they express their feelings about their life experiences. Use these others' words as role models for your own emotional expression.

• Attend a weekly support group to experience the active identification of feelings in the giving and receiving of support. Use The SEA's Manual to help you and others to conduct your support program with a SEA's program emphasis.

Steps to help you get in touch with your feelings.

1 . In your journal on a daily basis for the next thirty days, record feelings you are experiencing.

For each day record distinct parts of the day for which you are identifying feelings, for example:

• Morning - rising and breakfast.

• Morning - at work (school, home).

• Afternoon - lunch time.

• Afternoon - back at job (school, home).

• Early evening - on way home.

• Evening dinner.

• Later evening.

• Pre-retiring to bed.

3 . For each part of the day identify the following:

• What I was feeling.

• The stimulus for the feeling.

• What, if anything, I did as a result of this feeling.

• How others reacted to what I did.

4 . To help you identify the feelings experienced, use the list of feeling words (below) attached to this chapter.

Step 5:     If after thirty days of keeping a "Feelings Log'' you are still not better able to get in touch with your feelings, return to Step 1 and begin again.

Feeling words

Use these lists of words to help you try to get in touch with your own feelings. Also use this list as you listen for the feelings of others in your conversations. Try to identify what you're feeling & at the same time try to identify what the other person's feeling.

the underlined link words are all found within the emotional feelings network of sites.... and more!

POSITIVE FEELINGS

Love, Affection, Concern, Interest

absorbed  altruistic  brotherly  congenial admired  amiable  caring  conscientious adorable  benevolent  charitable  considerate affected  benign  Christian  cooperative affectionate  big–hearted  compassionate cordial agreeable  honest  comforting  courteous dedicated  honorable  concerned  curious devoted  hospitable  neighborly  sweet easy-going  humane  nice  sympathetic empathetic  inquiring  obliging tender engrossed  inquisitive  open  thoughtful excited  interested  optimistic  tolerant fascinated  intrigued  patient truthful fair just  peaceful trustworthy  faithful  kind  pleasant  understanding forgiving  kind-hearted  polite unselfish friendly  kindly  reasonable  warm  generous  lenient  receptive warm–hearted genuine  good-natured  reliable  well-meaning giving  loving  respectful  wise good  mellow  responsible  helpful good-humored mild sensitive moral

Elation, Joy

airy exalted hilarious serene amused excellent humorous sparkling animated excited in high spirit spirited at ease exhilarated inspired splendid blissful exaltation jolly sunny buoyant fantastic jovial superb bright festive joyful terrific brilliant fine joyous thrilled calm fit jubilant tranquil cheerful free lighthearted tremendous comfortable frisky lively triumphant comical gay magnificent turned on complacent genial majestic vivacious contented glad marvelous witty convivial gleeful merry wonderful delighted glorious overjoyed easy ecstatic good peaceful enthusiastic elated grand playful happy elevated gratified pleasant proud enchanted great pleased satisfied

agog avid enthusiastic hot–headed anxious desirous fervent intense ardent earnest keen zealous

able durable influential sharp adequate dynamic intense skillful assured effective intrepid spirited audacious encouraged lion-hearted stable authoritative energetic macho stouthearted bold enterprising manly strong brave fearless mighty sure capable firm powerful dauntless competent forceful reassured tough confident gallant resolute virile courageous hardy robust well-equipped daring healthy secure determined dauntless self-confident important 

abandoned despised horrible pathetic alien despondent humiliated pitiful alienated destroyed ill at ease rebuked alone discarded in the dumps regretful annihilate disconsolate jilted reprimanded awful discontented joyless rotten battered discouraged kaput ruined below par disfavored left out run down blue disheartened loathed sans burned dismal lonely somber cast off done for lonesome sorrowful cheapened downcast lousy spiritless cheerless downhearted low stranded crestfallen downtrodden melancholy sulky crushed dreadful miserable sullen dark dreary mishandled tearful debased estranged mistreated terrible defeated excluded moody unhappy degraded flat moping unloved dejected forlorn mournful upset demolished forsaken obsolete valueless depressed frowning ostracized washed up desolate funeral out of sorts whipped despair gloomy overlooked woeful grim glum hated worthless heavy-hearted wrecked grieving burdened 

Distress, Hurt

aching disliked impatient skeptical afflicted displeased imprisoned speechless agonized dissatisfied injured strained anguished distrustful in pain stressed at the feet of disturbed lost suffering at the mercy of doubtful mournful suspicious awkward foolish nauseated swamped badgered futile offended the plaything of bewildered grief pained the puppet of blameworthy grieved pathetic tormented clumsy heartbroken perplexed touchy helpless puzzled tragic constrained hindered ridiculous ungainly crushed impaired sickened unlucky disgusted privation silly unpopular unsatisfied unsure victimized worried

afraid fainthearted jittery shy aghast fearful jumpy strained agitated fidgety menaced stressful alarmed frightened misgiving suspicious anxious hesitant nervous tense appalled high anxiety on edge terrified apprehensive horrified overwhelmed terror-stricken awed hysterical panicky threatened bashful ill at ease paranoid timid chicken in fear petrified timorous cowardly insecure quaking tremulous desperate intimidated restless uncomfortable dismayed jealous scared uneasy doubtful bullied shaky worrying dread embarrassed shocked yellow

abused diminished made light of ridiculed belittled discredited maligned roasted branded disdained minimized scoffed at carped at disgraced mocked scorned caviled at disparaged neglected shamed censured humiliated not taken seriously slammed criticized ignored overlooked slandered defamed jeered poked fun at slighted deflated lampooned pooh-poohed thought nothing of deprecated laughed at pulled to pieces underestimated spurned libeled put down underrated derided 

Doubtful

distrustful indecisive questioning unbelieving dubious misgiving skeptical uncertain hesitant perplexed suspicious incredulity 

Impotency, Inadequacy

anemic flimsy insecure unable broken fragile insufficient unarmed broken down frail lame uncertain chicken-hearted harmless maimed unfit cowardly helpless meek unimportant crippled impotent nerveless unqualified debilitated inadequate paralyzed unsound defective incapable powerless unsubstantiated deficient incompetent puny useless demoralized indefensible shaken vulnerable disabled ineffective shaky weak effeminate inefficient sickly weak-hearted exhausted inept small wimp exposed inferior strengthless rudderless feeble infirm trivial dead beat 

Anger, Hostility, Cruelty

aggravated cross hypercritical rebellious agitated cruel ill-tempered reckless aggressive deadly impatient resentful angry cool incensed revengeful annoyed corrosive inconsiderate rough antagonistic dictatorial indignant rude arrogant disagreeable inflamed ruthless austere discontented infuriated sadistic bad-tempered dogmatic inhuman savage belligerent enraged insensitive severe bigoted envious intolerable spiteful biting fierce intolerant stern bloodthirsty fuming irritated stormy blunt furious irate sulky boiling gruesome mad sullen bullying hard malicious unfeeling callous hard-hearted mean unfriendly cantankerous harsh murderous unmerciful cold-blooded hateful nasty unruly combative heartless obstinate vicious contrary hellish offended vindictive cranky hideous opposed violent critical hostile oppressive worked-up provoked prejudiced outraged wrathful poisonous piqued perturbed wrought-up

Difficulty Distinguishing Feelings from Facts

Common Indicators: Thoughts:

"I'm a feeling person. Going against my feelings would be dishonest. So when I'm afraid to go outside, I don't leave my house."

Feelings:

Volatile & conflicting.

Actions:

Debating with self, disregarding important facts.

 Just as instruments in an automobile provide essential information for safe driving, feelings provide necessary information for making wise, sensitive & rational decisions.

i.e., if your head - & the objective facts - say you're reasonably healthy & safe while your heart is pounding rapidly, it's generally better to rely on your head.

Important decisions are best made with 90% head & 10% heart.

Key point: No matter how strong feelings may be, they can't change the facts.

Steps to Removing the Barrier

1. Make more objective & sensitive decisions, by taking the following actions:

• Take several 3x5 cards, write down the 2 important principles below:  
  • Important decisions are best made w/90% head & 10% heart.

  • Feelings don't change facts.

• Place the cards where you can see them at least a dozen times a day (on your refrigerator, T.V., bathroom mirror, or visor of your automobile). 

•  Whenever you find your head & heart in conflict, let the conflict act as a trigger to remind you to repeat to yourself the words on the cards.

Say to yourself:

• "Important decisions are best made w/90% head & 10% heart. Feelings don't change facts."

To increase your understanding of these two principles, discuss them w/others.

2. Make a list of past, present, or potential situations where your head & heart aren't in total agreement. Note: The fewer such situations, the happier & more at peace you'll be.

Examples:

• The fact that you have a healthy body isn't changed because you feel like you're going to die. 

•  The fact that you have inherent worth isn't changed because you feel worthless.

• The fact that someone has had too much to drink isn't changed because he feels he can drive safely.

• The fact that you have certain skills isn't changed because you feel inadequate.

3. For each situation you wish to resolve in which your head & heart are in conflict, take a piece of paper & draw a vertical line down the center. On one side of the line write down all the pertinent facts that come to mind.

4. On the other side of the line write down your feelings. If there are any feelings not supported by facts, place a big question mark by those feelings.

i.e., your heart is medically healthy yet sometimes you feel you're having a heart attack; or you have a college degree yet you feel unintelligent.

As a result you're now in a better position to objectively & sensitively think about your situation.

DistinguishYour Feelings From the Facts

  Feelings don't change facts. Strive to distinguish your feelings from the facts.

All of us, from time to time, unwittingly blend our opinions or feelings w/the facts & consider the resulting viewpoint to be the actual fact.

You may think, e.g., that you're discussing the facts of a situation when you're actually talking about your own imagined version of the facts.

The thoughts & feelings you have about a situation are, of course, important; nevertheless, they don't change this fundamentally important principle: Thoughts & feelings, no matter how sincere or strong, don't change the facts.

Although feelings can provide important & useful information, sometimes they give inaccurate or exaggerated information. In any situation, e.g., there are objective facts unaltered by personal opinion or feeling as well as subjective opinions & feelings.

When you have a strong feeling (a feeling that all is well or all is lost) it is tempting to believe that the feeling itself accurately reflects reality. Sometimes, of course, what you feel is consistent w/the facts of reality.

At other times, however, what you feel may not be supported by the facts. In other words, feelings aren't necessarily related to reality.

Distinguishing thoughts & feelings from facts can be better understood by considering how a camera works. A camera simply records facts as they are. It doesn't record personal thoughts or feelings.

Unlike a camera, your mind can add opinions, assumptions & feelings to the facts creating a customized picture - whether accurate or not - of any given situation. This is natural & healthy as long as the opinions & feelings aren't thought of as the objective facts.

There are two ways of dealing w/feelings that produce a distorted picture. At one extreme is the person who ignores his feelings altogether; at the other extreme is the person who excessively dwells on his feelings.

Ignoring Feelings

Although you can go thru the motions of life while ignoring some or all of your emotions, you'll be at a disadvantage. If you attempt to ignore emotional pain, i.e., you'll likewise have difficulty being sensitive to pleasure.

Ignoring emotion also causes you to miss out on important information about yourself & your environment, making it difficult to think objectively, make reasonable decisions, or effectively communicate.

Missing out on the information provided by your emotions is like driving a car w/out paying attention to the instruments. You can still drive, but you are apt to make little mistakes like occasionally driving too fast, running out of gas, or overheating the engine.

Likewise, w/out essential emotional information you're apt to make mistakes or get stuck while attempting to solve personal & relationship problems.

Some people, unaware of their feelings, mistakenly consider themselves highly rational. Such individuals often appear impeccably calm & smooth. Nothing seems to upset them. Like the automobile driver who ignores the fuel gauge registering empty while thinking & acting as though he has plenty of gas, some people ignore their emotional instruments, thinking & acting as if they were calm.

If you're married to someone like that & you're aware of your own normal emotional ups & downs - you (& he) may mistakenly view him as calm & yourself as volatile.

Contrary to outer appearances, the so-called "rational" man often has difficulty distinguishing facts from feelings because he is unaware that there is any difference between the two.

Example: When Bill walked thru the front door, Sharon knew he was upset.

Bill, however, considered himself calm & rational. Actually Bill was upset about work but hadn't yet recognized that fact. When Sharon asked him how he was, he responded sincerely, "Fine."

Upon looking around the house Bill launched into a tirade about how messy it was even though it was reasonably tidy. Because Bill was unaware of his feelings about work, he had difficulty seeing that the house was neat & that the problem lay within his own unrecognized feelings. His opinions were being affected by feelings he didn't admit he had.

Key Point: The truly rational person is aware of his feelings as clearly as he is aware of the facts in a situation.

Dwelling on Feelings

Some people are so aware of & involved w/their feelings that they lose sight of what the facts are & whether or not their feelings are supported by the facts.

Such individuals tend to base their opinions & decisions on how they feel, often w/out considering all of the facts in the situation. To them, what they feel represents what is real.

Attempting to reason or communicate w/someone who believes that what they feel determines what's real is an exercise in frustration. They tend to give their feelings more credibility than the facts, regardless of how much evidence you give them.

i.e., although Norm & Sue are living beyond their means, when Norm feels they can afford a new car, financial facts can't convince him otherwise. Since he feels good about the purchase, he "reasons," it must be all right.

Key point: Thoughts & feelings don't change facts.

When you're able to distinguish the facts in a situation from your feelings about the facts, you're in the best position to objectively & sensitively examine all available information.

Steps to Applying the Principle

Practice reminding yourself of the key principle:

Thoughts & feelings don't change the facts.

On several 3x5 cards write the above principle. Place the cards where you can see them at least a dozen times a day (refrigerator, T.V., mirror, visor of your automobile, etc.).

Whenever you have a strong feeling or opinion, remind yourself of what is written on your cards.

When you experience a feeling that seems unreasonably strong or inappropriate to the situation, ask yourself:

What are the facts that support this feeling?

Key point: When a particular feeling isn't supported by facts, you're usually better off not taking it seriously. Acknowledge but don't dwell upon such feelings.

Caution: Even though feelings don't change facts, dwelling on feelings inconsistent w/the facts creates the illusion that the feelings, nevertheless, represent truth & fact.

Practice distinguishing feelings from facts in 3 important areas of your life:

• Your identity ("I am" vs. "I feel I am")
• Your activities ("I do" vs. "I feel I do")
• Your possessions ("I have" vs. "I feel I have")

It helps to take a piece of paper & draw a line vertically down the center. List your feelings on the left side & the facts on the right side.

When there is a discrepancy between the facts & your feelings, you are usually better off acting on the facts rather than on your feelings. Emotions are usually not as reliable as the facts, since emotions can fluctuate independently of the current situation because of flashbacks from the past, exaggerated thoughts about the present or future, or insufficient information.

Terri, a high school homecoming queen, sincerely felt ugly & unpopular. Her parents repeatedly tried to reason w/her but to no avail. Every time they pointed out the facts that over one thousand of her peers voted her homecoming queen & that she modeled for Macy's, she told them those things didn't change her feelings.

I pointed out to Terri that her feelings were screaming so loudly in her ears, she mistakenly believed them to represent truth & reality. Her feelings were discoloring her view of the facts. Her parents, on the other hand, were so focused on the facts, they couldn't seem to acknowledge, let alone understand, her feelings.

I encouraged her parents to stop trying to use facts to talk her out of her feelings; instead, it would be better to acknowledge & respect her feelings even though they were not based on facts. I suggested they tell her they understood she was feeling down on herself. Then they could reassure her that the emotional storm would eventually pass.

Meanwhile, Terri & I discussed a variety of situations where feelings & facts aren't one & the same, such as feeling like you failed a math test when in fact you did well or vice versa. She began to realize that although her feelings were real & understandable (we all feel badly about ourselves from time to time), those feelings don't change the facts.

Finally, the light went on - she saw that feeling down on herself didn't change the fact that she did, indeed, have some positive physical characteristics & good friends. Once again, she was able to objectively look at her strengths & weaknesses independently of how she was feeling. The storm passed.

Thunder feels scary, but it isn't dangerous

One afternoon we experienced an unusual thunderstorm in San Jose. We were so excited, we went outside to watch the lightning & listen to the thunder. Our young son, Chad, who ventured out w/us felt differently. Although he was fascinated by the lightning, he jumped & shuddered w/fear each time the thunder boomed.

Although I explained to him several times that thunder couldn't hurt him, his feelings were so strong that he wasn't convinced.

The irony of the situation was that lightning - which Chad felt very safe & comfortable with - could be dangerous, while thunder - which wasn't dangerous - felt dangerous to him. I empathized w/Chad because a couple of times the roar of thunder was so loud, I too jumped even though I knew there was no danger.

Key point: Feelings, no matter how strong, don't change the facts.

Want to Feel Better?

Susan Dunn
Permission to Reprint Obtained Through Family-Content.com.

The study of 64 adults & children found that, between the ages of 4 & 7, children increasingly begin to understand that the breaking of rules can cause rule-breakers to feel bad, regardless of whether or not they got what they wanted thru their transgression.

The children also begin to recognize that they'll respond positively when they follow a rule -- especially if they remember to do so on their own (not prompted by a parent).

The California team also found that these emotional links to rule-following & rule-breaking strengthened as children began to focus on the importance of rules in general.

"These findings have implications for research on theory of mind & moral reasoning, as well as practical applications for educators & parents," Lagattuta said.

"Between the ages of 4 & 7, children increasingly recognize that emotional satisfaction is shaped not only by immediate desire fulfillment, but also by obligations to abide by rules & by consideration of possible future consequences," she explained.

The study appears in the May/June issue of Child Development.

More information

The American Academy of Pediatrics has more about child behavior (www.medem.com ).

If You Think You'll Feel Better, You Will

Study links placebo effect to brain's painkillers

healthscout news

The report appears in the Aug. 24 issue of the Journal of Neuroscience.

"We looked at the response of pain control systems in the brain," Zubieta said. "We observed that a placebo that was believed to be an agonistic agent was able to enhance the release of these anti-pain endogenous opioids."

For the study, Zubieta's team induced pain by injecting concentrated salt water solution into the jaws of 14 healthy young men who agreed to the experiment. The injections were given while the men underwent positron emission tomography (PET) scans.

During one scan, the men were told they would receive pain medicine. Instead, they were given a placebo. Then every 15 seconds during the subsequent scans, the men were asked to rate the intensity of their pain on a scale of 0 to 100. After the experiment, they provided more detailed pain ratings.

The researchers found that after telling the men that the placebo was coming, the amount of concentrated salt water needed to maintain the pain increased. This indicated that sensitivity to pain was reduced. So thinking they were getting a pain drug actually allowed the participants to tolerate more pain, the researchers said.

Zubieta classified 9 of the men as "high placebo responders" because they exhibited a strong placebo effect. The other 5 were classified as "low placebo responders."

In addition, the researchers were able to show the power of the placebo effect. "There was more relief in response to this inactive medication as a function of belief," Zubieta said. "In fact, in some areas of the brain, the release was related to how much they believed the drug was going to be effective."

Zubieta believes these findings tell you something about how humans function. "Understanding these mind-body connections are important," he said. "There are many treatments that are believed to be effective, when in reality they may not be more effective than placebo."

Harnessing the placebo effect may have some positive therapeutic applications, Zubieta said. "You want to enhance the placebo effect under some circumstances," he said. "And in some others you want to reduce it -like when you do a clinical trial."

One expert thinks the findings are important, but miss the larger point.

"It's clearly another step in elucidating these mechanisms, which is really terrific," said Daniel E. Moerman, the William E. Stirton Professor of Anthropology at the University of Michigan in Dearborn, and the author of Meaning, Medicine and the Placebo Effect.

But he added, the question of a mind-body connection as a separation between the two "isn't even 16th-century quality thinking," Moerman said. "Socrates did better than that."

"It's only the technology that has made this an interesting area to study," Moerman added. "You can scan this stuff now. You can see it, so there it is & therefore it's sort of real."

More information

Creighton University can tell you more about the placebo effect (altmed.creighton.edu ).

10 Ways To Feel Good About Your Life - By Kathy Gates, Professional Life Coach

Feeling good about your life involves just 2 parts. Really! One is to learn to think about yourself in healthy ways. This is a learned skill, ladies & gentlemen, not something that a lucky few were born with.

Some of us were taught as children how to create self esteem & self confidence. If you weren’t, then it’s up to you to learn it as an adult. This is a skill that can be developed by anyone (yes, you too!).

The second part of feeling good about your life involves “making things happen? Seeing yourself being successful at anything builds the blocks of confidence. So the next time you're faced with a difficult task, you've effectively taught yourself that you can handle it. .

Here are 10 Ways To Feel Good About Your Life:

1. Never stop questioning. Every time you feel frustrated with a task, ask yourself, “How is this contributing to my ultimate goal?" “How can I do this better, faster, easier, simpler & even more fun?"

2. Don’t give up on life. Be interested & curious about yourself & about others. Don’t assume that’s “just the way it is." Look for the choices behind your results.

3. Accept your weakness. Everybody has them (yes, everybody!). Instead of spending your time & energy trying to “overcome;" make friends with it & make it work for you. Where would NYPost Columnist Liz Smith be without her “weakness" for gossip?

4. Don’t stop learning. The brain is a muscle just like any other & it'll stagnate if you let it. Make it your rule to learn something new every day. Then USE what you learn to make your life better.

5. Expect nothing; expect the best. Paradox? No. It just means that you don’t want to miss out on what’s wonderful in your life right now, while you spend all your time peeking around the next corner.

6. Don’t lie to yourself.. Telling lies to yourself is the most harmful form of disrespect. Write out ways in which you're untruthful to yourself & how to correct it. “I'll no longer pretend that overspending my budget is ok?

7. Do plant what you want to grow. Many many people are (figuratively) wondering where the roses are in their life, yet they spend all their time planting & nourishing weeds. You reap what you sow. That’s just the way it is.

8. Don’t live in the past. Let go of things that are draining you. There’s nothing there anymore that you can change or correct - that can only be done in the present. Use Today.

9. Swim with the current. Don’t waste your time complaining about what you can’t control - like other people. Concentrate on what you CAN control, like who you hug, what you read, when you smile, how much you laugh, where you go, what you do, what you think about.

10. Stand like a Rock. You know what's right for you - be willing to stand for what's right for you.