Key Point

Many people with very high IQ's (cognitive intelligence) do poorly in work & relationships because they have low EQ's (emotional intelligence).

They sabotage themselves because they can't manage their own emotions or those of other people & they sabotage projects because they may have all the logical, rational & analytical answers, but they don't have the soft skills to move a project forward.

Benefits

Emotional intelligence accounts for more success & happiness in life than intellectual intelligence.

Related Distincitons

• Soft skills plus hard skills vs. Hard skills 
• Knowing people vs. Knowing facts
• Thinking & feeling vs. Thinking only

Learn to develop your emotional intelligence as well as your skills & technical expertise & you'll do better in your career.

Developing your emotional intelligence is also crucial for personal & family relationships. 

Emotional Intelligence . . . What Is It?

Nancy K. Recker, M.A., Family & Consumer Sciences Agent, Allen County, Assistant Professor, Ohio State University Extension, The Ohio State University

For many years, it was thought that a person's intelligence (IQ or intelligence quotient) determined how people succeeded in life.

Schools used IQ tests to choose children for gifted programs & some companies even used IQ scores when hiring. In the last 10 years, researchers have found that IQ isn't the only predictor of a person's success.

They're now looking at emotional intelligence (EQ) as another determinant of a person's success in life.

"Emotional intelligence is a different way of being smart. It includes knowing what your feelings are & using your feelings to make good decisions in life.

It's being able to manage distressing moods well & control impulses. It's being motivated & remaining hopeful & optimistic when you have setbacks in working toward goals.

It's empathy; knowing what the people around you are feeling. And it's social skill - getting along well with other people, managing emotions in relationships, being able to persuade or lead others," (O'Neil, 1996, p. 6).

Both types of intelligence are important but in different ways. The IQ contributes about 20% to the factors that determine life accomplishments (O'Neil, 1996).

That leaves about 80% for everything else. Research has shown that emotional intelligence can make a difference in life's successes (O'Neil, 1996).

i.e., boys in the second grade who are impulsive & always getting into trouble are 6 to 8 times more likely than other children to be violent in their teens & commit crimes.

6th grade girls who confuse feelings of boredom & anger with hunger are the ones most likely to have eating disorders when they become teenagers. These children are unaware of how they're feeling & what it's called.

So if a person doesn't have these skills, he or she can get into trouble, especially as a child transitions into adulthood. If a person does have these abilities or emotional intelligence, they can help one throughout life.

These abilities affect everything from success in marriage to how well one does on the job. Emotional skills also help a person academically. Such skills as delaying satisfaction or enjoyment when searching for long-term goals are helpful to children academically (O'Neil, 1996).

Children who can stick with tasks & finish homework or assignments do much better later in life than those children who are easily distracted & go off to do something else.

Emotional Intelligence is Learned

Although children are born with different temperaments, or how they approach things:

• social
• laid back
• intense
• shy, etc.

EQ helps parents & teachers work with these qualities so children can better cope in the world.

i.e., instead of protecting shy children from the world & catering to them, parents encouraged their young children to participate in challenging situations (meeting new kids, going to new places).

They're encouraged in ways that kids weren't overwhelmed but used methods that gave the children the experience of mastering something new. By the time these children reached kindergarten age, they weren't shy. They weren't the most outgoing children, but they weren't the most withdrawn either.

There are some patterns that block the use of a person's emotional intelligence:

• fear & worry
• avoiding pain
• negative self-image
• unrealistic expectations
• blaming others

When these blocks occur & emotional intelligence isn't used, people end up acting in unsuccessful ways. The goal is to be more informed about emotions & let them help overcome obstacles in life.

Much information has been written on the subject of emotional intelligence & sometimes sorting out the information can be confusing. The first step to increasing emotional intelligence is self-awareness.

What are your feelings & why are you feeling that way?

Although this can be very difficult for some, once a person begins to understand himself or herself, he or she can begin to develop other emotional skills, which leads to more emotional intelligence.

References

Feldman, L. (1999). Emotionally intelligent leadership. Falls Church: Daniel Feldman.

Goleman, D. (1995). Emotional intelligence. New York, NY: Bantam Books.

Kuther, T. (2000). Emotional intelligence. Themestream. Retrieved March 6, 2001 from the World Wide Web: http://www.themestream.com/articles111617.html

O'Neil, J. (1996). On emotional intelligence: a conversation with Daniel Goleman. Educational Leadership, 54 (1), 6-11.

For more information, visit the Human Development and Family Life website at: http://www.hec.ohio-state.edu/famlife/

Click here for the PDF version of this fact sheet. All educational programs conducted by Ohio State University Extension are available to clientele on a nondiscriminatory basis w/out regard to race, color, creed, religion, sexual orientation, national origin, gender, age, disability or Vietnam-era veteran status. Keith L. Smith, Associate Vice President for Ag. Adm. & Director, OSU Extension.  TDD No. 800-589-8292 (Ohio only) or 614-292-1868 | Ohioline | Search | Fact Sheets

Developing Your Child's Emotional Intelligence-excerpt - By Margaret Altman et al.  

Emotional Intelligence: The Basics - By Michael G. Rayel, MD

There’s so much talk about emotional intelligence & how it can promote personal & business success. What is it really? What are its basic tenets?

Emotional intelligence is the capacity to recognize, understand & manage one’s emotions & that of others. This “intelligent” concept focuses on the role of emotion in our daily lives & how it affects our perception, reasoning & behavior.

Emotions are pervasive in our daily existence. From the time we wake up to the time we retire to bed, we experience emotions. We can get excited by the news of economic recovery, or we feel upset when our favorite team loses a championship game.

Moreover, we can get lonely when our friend of many years decides to look for greener pastures & we can feel anxious when our child doesn't go home on time after class.

So really, emotions happen everywhere & anytime. There is no day that passes by without emotions being involved. We experience emotions when we - win or lose, receive phone calls from long lost friends, greet our children good morning, say hello to our neighbors, prepare meals for our spouses, or ride the subway train.

Emotions are just as normal as the rising of the sun.

How could he? He can’t even recognize his own.

Emotional intelligence can therefore become an important tool at home & at work. By learning its basic tenets of self awareness (knowing one’s emotions), self management (controlling one’s emotions), social awareness (recognizing the emotions of others) & relationship management (social skills), people can make use of the emotion to advance the positive cause of our families & communities.

Copyright © 2005. Dr. Michael G. Rayel – author (First Aid to Mental Illness–Finalist, Reader’s Preference Choice Award 2002) psychiatrist, and inventor of Oikos Game: An Emotional Intelligence or EQ Game. For more information, visit www.oikosgame.com and www.soardime.com.

Emotions: From the General to the Specific  excerpts from The Personal Journey Workbook by Mary Rocamora & Ron Koertge

Exercise: Look at this list of emotions.

• Fear
• Anxiety (specific & free-floating)
• Tension
• Jealousy
• Apprehensiveness (anticipatory fear)
• Dread
• Panic
• Terror
• Fright
• Paranoia
• Defensiveness
• Feeling threatened
• Shut down or disconnected (fear of feeling)  
• Disassociation (distancing from feelings)
• Trying to control   
• Anger   
• Aversion
• disgust    
• Outrage  
• Irritability    
• Hostility  
• Rage  
• Hatred
• Judgment  
• Attacking    
• Rejection  
• Punishment    
• Pain
• Sadness  
• Hoping  
• Abandonment
• Isolation  
• Loss  
• Loneliness    
• Guilt  
• Shame
• humiliation
• embarrassment
• Inadequacy
• worthlessness  
• Unloveableness   
• Depression (clinical, episodic, event-induced)
• Love  
• Affection  
• Gratitude    
• Joy  
• Compassion  
• Grief  
• Sorrow  
• Remorse  
• Openness

• Pick one that feels old & familiar. _________
• What color is it? __________
• What temperature is it? ____________
• Where is it located in your body? _________
• What are the circumstances under which this emotion comes up?______
• Where does this come from in your personal history? ___________
• How does this reactive, automatic habit distort what's really going on? __________

Unfortunately, many of us have underlying emotions that are too frightening, overwhelming or painful
to feel directly.

What might you be unwilling to feel directly? Isolation, shame, feeling exposed, needing, worthlessness, vulnerability are some possibilities.

Do you have underlying emotions that you're afraid to feel directly? (They could be carefully hidden by other feelings, so be easy on yourself.) If so, what are they? ______

How do you defend yourself against feeling these directly? Lots of us defend, shut down, disconnect, disassociate, judge, attack, or punish.

For our purposes, we'd like to develop a new relationship with our emotions, especially those that feel painful & hidden. Let's stay with  all our emotions with affection & interest. We can turn beet red
even as we say to ourselves, "Oh, here's shame. Again."

Awareness needs to be able to just "be with." It needs to be able to connect with everything that's in there. However, this isn't the time to change behavior or even your feelings. Don't call up Mom with a list of grievances. Don't confront your boss or anybody else.

For right now, let's just see what's there.

excerpts from book:  Personal Journey Workbook  by Mary Rocamora and Ron Koertge

published by The Rocamora School

Baby Emotions - By Jill D. Chasse  

Emotional Intelligence & Your Toddler - By Susan Dunn, The EQ Coach  

Tantrums

Tamtrums are an inconvenient part of life with toddlers & the best defense is a good offense. Avoid the circumstances that provoke them.

Management depends upon your emotional intelligence because a toddler doesn’t have any! They’re still pretty “basic” -

• they lack the vocabulary to express themselves in words
• they lack the ability to cope w/delayed gratification
• have zero self-awareness

You’ll be teaching all these things, but developmentally, they aren’t capable yet. It’s up to you to avoid provocative situations as best you can, especially when your toddler is already tired, hungry or stressed.
Distraction

Toddlers are also still fairly easy to distract & sometimes that’s the best course of action. They’re just learning “object permanence.” In other words, if they’re screaming for something (a candy bar they see) & you can remove it, it can be a case of “out of sight, out of mind.”

Like if he’s in his high chair, whisk the candy bar away, grab a utensil & start tapping out the rhythm of one of his favorite songs, sing & make faces. Sometimes it works!

My friend, Becky, sings a special soothing song at such times. It’s become conditioned w/her daughter. She starts to calm down.

Teaching Emotional Intelligence to Your Kindergartner - By Susan Dunn, The EQ Coach

Casey’s 5 years old & reminds me of Edith-Ann. She sometimes even stomps her foot & tosses her head. And that’s the truth!

Casey’s what you’d call “high-maintenance.” She likes things to be just so, reacts strongly to what’s going on & tends to get wound-up. We’ve been working on emotional intelligence.

The other day I took her to the Kiddie Park & then to McDonald’s for supper. It had been a fun afternoon, but once we got to McDonald’s, her fatigue caught up with her.

She loves to play with other children & calls them all “my friends.” At McDonald’s she faced one of childhood’s hardest tasks – breaking into a group that had already formed. There were 4 girls there her age who didn’t want her to join their playgroup.

Casey’s very bright & tried several different things – just joining in (they chased her off), telling them to “be nice,” (they ignored her) & then asking them to please, please let her play with them. Nothing worked, which sometimes happens to the best of us.

To make a long story short, it didn’t end well. Casey decompensated, then spilled her drink, then dropped her ice cream cone, at which point the others made fun of her. I helped her thru that incident & the suggested she was tired, we could find other friends & that it was time to go. This made her furious. “I’m not tired,” she screamed.

Finally I had to carry her out to the car, a ball of tears. You can imagine how she felt, as nothing had gone right. I thought about distracting her, like talking about what we’d do tomorrow. Then I remembered how I felt when someone didn’t let me talk thru my feelings. Like when your partner says, “I think you’re overreacting.”

Lable The Turmoil, Give It A Name
Go toward the sound of the cannon.

“Casey,” I said. “How are you feeling right now?’” The volume of the crying immediately increased. This is exactly why we tend to avoid dealing with emotions. It’s more comfortable for us to avoid the issue of someone else’s pain, anger, etc.

“Are you angry because we had to leave?” I continued.

Suddenly there was silence. “Yes,” she said, after a minute. “I was angry.” She felt respected & also, I think, she had become curious. This moved her away from the reptilian brain & into the neocortex. She was now thinking instead of reacting.

“Are you remembering to breathe deeply?” I asked, helping her self-soothe. “Yes,” she said.

“And were you ashamed you dropped your cone?” I asked.

“Yes,” she replied. “And I wasn’t tired,” she repeated, adamantly. This was a very important point to her because my saying she was tired to her meant I wasn’t addressing her distress.

We went on to discuss other feelings she was having – frustration with the other girls, sadness they wouldn’t include her, disappointment that I hadn’t been of much help.

Then, because she really was very tired, she started into a downward spiral – “And remember that girl who was mean to me at the ice skating rink…” she began, getting into an incident that had happened the day before.

“What would an optimist do right now?” I asked her, gently. It was time to move the focus away from emotions.

“Oh,” she said, stopping & thinking for a moment. “An optimist would remember something good that happened. Like when I got to ride on the ferris wheel.”

Sorting Out Emotions

Adults have trouble figuring out the layers of emotions that occur. For a young child it’s extremely difficult. When we help the child sort out the different feelings which often get expressed in tears, it helps them manage their emotions better. Be able to put something in
words is empowering.

Her little brother, Ted, who’s 2, has just learned how to say “don’t like peas”. I was there when the “light went off in his head”. When the peas were placed in front of him, he started to cry & push the plate off the highchair tray & then he stopped & said, “Don’t like peas” & the look on his face said it all. He had learned a new way to manipulate his environment & get what he wanted – words!

To tell Casey she was tired, negated all the other things she was feeling & wasn’t helpful. We know that fatigue exacerbates negative emotions, but those emotions are still real & need to be acknowledged.

“I felt bad,” she finally said & sometimes that sums it up, but working thru the layers helps children learn words of emotional expressions & helps them replace acting out with talking.

Emotions & Relationships

By Walter Last

Emotion is the 'builder' of the body, the link between the 'architect', represented by the mind & the mortar or glue, which is the bio-energy of the body. Food molecules provide the building blocks. If the emotions & feelings are weak or distorted, the body will be weak or distorted.

Occasional violent tempers throw the body into temporary disarray: they’re like earthquakes or thunderstorms. However the greatest damage is caused by repressed emotions, such as unexpressed anger, resentment or fear. These are like a permanently hostile climate under which the body suffers all the time. Therefore, learn to express your emotions in a suitable way.

If you’re upset, tell the person who provoked it that you feel hurt & angry. However, don’t accuse the other person saying, 'You did this, which is bad & wrong'; instead say 'I feel hurt by what you did'. Speak only of yourself.

If there are good intentions on both sides, partners can usually overcome problems by making it a habit to ask each other every night at bedtime or at suitable intervals whether there was something that annoyed the other partner. Then let the questioned partner speak without interruption.

If this direct approach is too difficult at times, write down your thoughts, hurts & suggestions & give this list to your partner to read at suitable times. You may both keep a diary on matters about your relationship & exchange it for reading & discussion from time to time. Do affirmations, visualizations & meditations together, working towards common goals.

In our relationships with our children it’s essential to give them the feeling of security. This is done by a loving, understanding attitude with an unlimited amount of patience & by keeping in close contact as long as they’re babies.

Let the baby sleep in your bed & other children in your room as long as they want to. Carry the baby. If you can’t take her along occasionally, leave her with someone she trusts. As a mother, devote the first 2 or 3 years to your child; don’t share them between your child & a job.

The closer the contact during the first few years, the sooner the child will feel secure & start exploring, while an insecure child will become a constant nuisance to its parents & friends.

The greatest gift parents can give a child is to make it feel wanted & unconditionally loved, especially during the pregnancy & early childhood. However, it’s also important to provide firm guidance. Let the child know exactly what’s not acceptable & strictly enforce important rules. This, too, gives security. Always do as you say; even if you threaten punishment, it must be carried out, or the child loses faith in your credibility.

The Stream of Emotion

Your unconscious mind also contains everything you have learned or experienced. It's like a great library containing vast quantities of information - some brain researchers suggest up to as many as 50 billion pieces of information.

Of course, not every piece of information is readily available for recall, but each is nevertheless permanently recorded.

Situations, emotions & conscious thoughts can trigger unconscious tapes or patterns of thinking. When you're driving an automobile, i.e., & the highway situation changes, a tape containing everything previously learned about driving is triggered in your mind.

This tape allows you to automatically speed up, slow down, or do whatever is necessary to safely meet the situation. This most likely occurs instantaneously, without any conscious thought or effort. Your conscious mind could even be involved with something entirely different, such as listening to the radio or daydreaming.

Your mind has many tapes like the one for driving, each containing valuable information or resources for effective living. Sometimes, however, these tapes & the solutions they contain seem to become forgotten & remain untapped.

Other tapes contain outdated information, useful in the past but no longer applicable. Yet in some cases these tapes are silently interfering with current success & happiness.

Still other tapes contain incomplete or irrational information causing unpleasant feelings & undesirable behavior. Some tapes are so powerful they can negatively interfere with your life, sometimes without you even being aware of the tape or of what it contains.

Important Point: Emotion is primarily caused by what goes on in your mind, not by the situation that may have triggered the thoughts. Likewise, you behavior is caused by what occurs in you mind, not by the emotions that may precede or accompany the behavior.

To Benefit From Your Emotions: A.C. T.

Rather than ignoring, dwelling on, or fighting your emotions, A.C.T.:

1. Acknowledge the feelings you're experiencing ("I am feeling upset right now.")
2. Consider the available choices ("What are my choices now? What shall I do?")
3. Take constructive action.

For additional information on how to A.C.T., please see "Communications barrier 8".

One of the biggest hurdles in understanding emotion is the difficulty distinguishing the myths from the facts. The following section will help dispel some myths & help you better deal with your feelings.

Steps to Apply The Principle

Although everyone experiences & talks about emotions or thoughts, success in dealing w/them is directly related to the ability to sort myth from fact.

Following are 13 of the more common myths & their corresponding facts. As you apply the information in this section, you'll be better able to understand & use emotions for your benefit.

Myth 1: Emotions & emotional behavior are the same.

Fact: Your behavior (laughing, crying, frowning, yelling, hitting . . .) may represent what you're feeling, but it isn't the feeling itself. i.e., you can feel angry without acting angry.

Myth 2: Emotion must be controlled.

Fact: Your emotions provide you with useful information to help you better control your thoughts & your actions. Emotion itself, however, isn't to be controlled. Trying to control, alter, or ignore your feelings is like putting tape over your car's instruments so you wouldn't have to be bothered by them. By doing so you would miss out on valuable, even critical information, necessary to drive safely; you could get a speeding ticket - or your car might run out of gas or overheat.

By paying attention to your feelings - your emotional instruments - rather than trying to control them, you're in a better position to more effectively control yourself. Result: With better self-control you generally feel better.

Myth 3: Feeling that something is a fact makes it so.

Fact: Feelings don't change facts.

Example: Feeling dumb doesn't change the fact you have a good mind. Feeling ugly doesn't change the fact you have a reasonably attractive body. Feeling like you're the greatest doesn't change the fact there are others who can do certain things better than you can.

Myth 4: You must do something to get your feelings out.

Fact: Feelings can't be physically taken out of your body. You may describe what you're feeling: "I feel tense & agitated" or you may act in a way suggesting how you feel (clenched fist, raised voice, furrowed brow), but feelings, unlike a piece of food caught between your teeth, can't be removed.

Sometimes, however, talking about what you're feeling will bring about a feeling of relief - as though you were getting your feelings out.

Key point: There is a stream of emotion continuously ebbing & flowing thru your body 24 hours a day. Fortunately (or unfortunately) whatever you're feeling at any given moment will eventually pass regardless of what you do.

Myth 5: The happiest most successful people follow their feelings.

Fact: The best decisions are usually made with 90% head & 10% heart - not the other way around. Emotion is designed to be a feedback mechanism, not a guidance system.

Myth 6: Analyzing the "why" of unpleasant feelings will make them go away.

Fact: The more you think about unpleasant feelings, the more intensely you're apt to feel them. It's better to acknowledge the feelings & say to yourself, "I'm feeling upset." Then, rather than dwelling on the feelings, look for something constructive to do. Fortunately the unpleasant feelings, like an oil spill in a clear spring, will eventually pass.

Myth 7: Talking about unpleasant feelings is the best way to get rid of them.

Fact: There are certainly some benefits to talking (including the possibility of increased understanding of self & another, closer relationships, more objective thinking & better perspective); however, talking doesn't automatically create the thoughts & actions necessary to feel better. What comes out of the mouth doesn't necessarily change what's in the mind.

Example: Recklessly driving a car 75 m.p.h. & yelling, "I'm going too fast" obviously doesn't change anything.

Myth 8: When emotionally upset, reasonable thinking will quickly produce better feelings.

Fact: Emotional pain, like physical pain, takes time to heal. An upsetting thought is like touching a hot stove. You can do so for a second or two without getting burned badly, but for every additional second, the degree of burn is worse & the time to heal is longer.

The healing time for emotional pain is about 10 times the amount of time you spent thinking the upsetting thoughts. The emotional pain from 4 minutes of upsetting thinking, i.e., will take about 40 minutes to heal.

Myth 9: Certain emotions should be eliminated.

Fact: Like water continuously flowing down a stream, emotion can be directed or redirected, but it can't be shut off.

Example: When you're feeling angry or depressed, you can't simply turn off the stream of feelings because they're unpleasant. Unpleasant feelings always have a cause & that cause must be addressed & taken care of before you can feel better. Many artificial & unhealthy ways exist to seemingly turn off or dam up feelings (alcohol, drugs, food, T.V., etc.).

However, the mind itself can produce chemicals or drugs -endorphins, i.e., that can naturally have a powerful anesthetic or numbing effect on the body's feelings.

Myth 10: Emotions are illogical.

Fact: Emotion is your body's natural & logical response to what is occurring in the mind. Although feelings may or may not be logically related to a situation, they're a logical reaction to what's occurring in your mind. Upsetting thoughts - whether conscious or unconscious - cause upset feelings & calm thoughts cause calm feelings.

Caution: Even though emotion logically follows thinking, thinking itself may or may not be logical.

Example: A person going deeper & deeper into debt may not feel any stress, because he's thinking, albeit illogically, that all is well.

Myth 11: Some people don't have feelings.

Fact: Everybody has feelings, whether expressed or not. Many people, however, have yet to learn how to express what they're feeling. Others have learned to ignore or even shut down their awareness of feelings, perhaps in a misguided attempt to protect themselves from emotional pain.

Myth 12: You should feel badly about feeling badly.

Fact: Telling yourself you're bad for feeling badly or that you shouldn't have felt bad in the first place only serves to make you feel worse. It's better to take some corrective action or else ride out the emotional wave until you feel better.

Myth 13: Happy people don't feel much emotional pain.

Fact: To experience pleasure, you must also know pain. All people, from time to time, feel emotional pain, sometimes to extreme degrees. Although some people seem to experience less pain than others, unless we walk in their shoes, it's difficult to tell for sure the degree of pain they actually feel.

Success Story

Those who knew Ed at work or at church found him to be an intelligent & kind man, generally patient & tolerant of others' shortcomings. At home, however, so many things - especially little things - seemed to upset him. When his wife didn't express herself well, i.e., he became irritated or when his children repeatedly asked questions, he became impatient.

His wife, Jan, came to see me because she saw their fine family deteriorating. She thought maybe she was doing something to upset Ed, although she didn't think so. She insulated him from as many of the family stresses as possible, hoping not to upset him. Despite her efforts, he was often upset.

I explained to her the nature of emotion, particularly how emotion is the body's chemical-physical reaction to what's occurring in the mind.

I pointed out she & the children were responsible for their actions, not for Ed's reactions. That was somewhat hard for her to accept since Ed frequently said she & the children were responsible for upsetting him. I reassured her that although Ed may sincerely believe other people & events cause his emotional upsets, he was mistaken. He, not others, was responsible for how he felt.

Key point: Emotion is caused by the mind, not by outside events.

At our next meeting, Jan reported that an unusual thing had happened - Ed was feeling worse & she was feeling better. I asked her what she was doing differently. She explained the main difference was her understanding that he was responsible for his upsets, not her. She felt relieved. Nevertheless, she continued to be kind & considerate, although she did stop taking extraordinary measures to "protect" him from the things he upset himself about.

When he noticed he was feeling worse, while she was feeling better, he began thinking. "Perhaps," he wondered, "she isn't the problem after all." He then came in to see me.

He wasn't as receptive as Jan to the idea that he, rather than his environment, was responsible for his emotional upsets. I told him I'd give him a powerful question to ask himself whenever he felt upset. I suggested to him that because he was an intelligent man he would soon know what caused his upset after he asked the question:

Did the Situation Upset Me?

OR

Did I Upset Myself?

The next time I saw Ed, he told me he wasn't sure whether or not he liked the question. I detected a hint of a smile as he went on to explain what happened. One evening, while he & Jan were talking, the children burst into the living room arguing about something. He characteristically started to feel upset, when he noticed Jan dealing w/the children in a calm & reasonable manner. He then bravely asked himself, "Did the situation upset me or did I upset myself?"

As he pondered the question, he thought about how he deals w/ employee problems at work. As a manager, it wasn't unusual for him to help angry employees solve conflicts w/one another. It occurred to him that he rarely felt upset around employees who were thinking or acting unreasonably. "How can it be that I act so rationally at work & so irrationally at home?" he wondered. Then like a lightning bolt out of the sky, it hit him, "I'm responsible for how I react to events around me."

Rather than looking for ways to change those around him at home, Ed began to look for ways to better manage himself. After the children left the room, he thoughtfully looked at Jan. He then asked her to help him understand what she does to act as rationally at home as he does at work.

Neither Jan or Ed could believe the changes that were taking place. Rather than blaming her for his upsets, he sought her advice. He began to be more reasonable & patient w/the stresses of family life. He even called a family council & taught the family about the nature of emotion & what causes it. He even taught them the question he had learned.

Giving them the question turned out to be a blessing & a curse. One time when Ed was angry & arguing w/his teenage daughter, he mistakenly told her she was making him mad. She wittily responded, "Dad, am I upsetting you or are you upsetting yourself?"

Modern Views of Sexual Emotion - Herbert Spencer

Amorous Emotion in the Homosexual

While I was going thru junior & senior High School, I became aware of the sexual attractions that were blossoming between the boys & girls in my class. I had no sexual feelings of my own that I was aware of & felt worried for several years because of their absence.

However, within a month of entering Haverford, I felt a powerful homosexual infatuation for a classmate. These feelings gave me a lot of grief because everything people thought about homosexuality in those days was unflattering & disturbing.

It was commonly believed that homosexuals:

• (a) had a mental illness
• (b) were criminals
• (c) were an abomination to God

Of the 3 choices, I felt that the 1st made the most sense.

At the end of my freshman year, I became a member of an Institutional Services Unit sponsored by the American Friends Service Committee. Our group, made up of students from Haverford, Bryn Mawr, Swarthmore & Cheney State Teacher's College, lived on the Haverford campus & traveled in a college bus to Norristown State Mental Hospital, where we worked as attendants throughout the summer of 1951.

There we had the chance to learn about the care of the mentally ill while we provided help to overworked full-time attendants. While at the hospital I spoke w/a psychiatrist about my sexual feelings & was referred to a clinic at the Hospital of the University of Pennsylvania.

Over a period of several years I received talk therapy from 3 therapists over 4 intervals, each interval lasting a year or more. This therapy had no effect on my sexual orientation.

There have no doubt always been homosexuals on campus among both the students & faculty, but in the 50's everyone was in the closet, leaving me w/a feeling of great isolation.

However on one occasion, a member of the class to graduate a year before me invited me to his house in Philadelphia to "study German together." After arriving, he expressed a desire to have physical closeness in a subtle manner that I found no way offensive.

Not wanting to reject him, I pretended not to understand him & went home after a short while. I wasn't ready to explore my sexual feelings at that time. As things worked out, I didn't have my first sexual experience until I was 26.

On another occasion, I came upon the same individual after dark while he & another day student were in a parked car along the lane that runs past the astronomy observatory. It seemed to me that they were flustered by my fairly abrupt appearance. Were they up to something?

Who knows. If there was any homosexual activity taking place on campus in the early 50's, it was certainly being done very discreetly & cautiously. To be identified as a homosexual would have probably resulted in complete isolation (or worse) from the heterosexuals who were, of course, by far the larger part of the campus community. In the 50's, there was simply very little said about homosexuality.

While at Haverford my homosexual feelings were a constant worry & distraction to me. However, I survived the emotional turmoil, which may have been no greater than what many other students, both heterosexual & homosexual, were experiencing.

While attending Alumni Weekend this past May, I talked w/a gay alumnus from the class of '55 who I knew while at Haverford but did not know was gay. He told me that while at Haverford, his family was disintegrating as a result of his mother's descent into the tortures of mental illness. My reaction to his story? Whew! And I thought I had problems!

After 25 years editing high school science texts for Prentice-Hall & Cebco Standard Publishing, Ed is currently responsible for purchasing, storing & maintaining science equipment for the New York City Lab School in Manhattan. He & his partner of 30 years live in northeastern Queens.

Being "Different" at Haverford in the 50s

by Jim McMasters '56

Why "different"? Because in the early 1950's the word "gay" wasn't widely disseminated; it was just beginning to be used.

The terms most commonly in use were pansy, fruit, fairy, fag (or faggot), queer & dyke - all derogatory. Now, of course, the term "gay" is widespread.

After checking around & comparing notes w/classmates of mine whom I later found out were gay, I discovered that I wasn't alone in my feelings, reactions or doubts.

When I applied to Haverford, I did so for several reasons. I wanted an excellent school (if I could get in) & an all-male college; I had gone to a bi-lingual, bi-national, co-educational school in Cuba from first grade thru high school & wanted to try something different.

I was already gay by then, although I kept it a personal secret. I also wanted an experience in a Society of Friends ambiance, as I had come from a long line of Quaker ancestors & I had no knowledge or contact w/them, there being no Friends' Meeting in Cuba.

Taking these factors into consideration made up my mind for me very quickly & easily, eliminating Swarthmore, Amherst, Williams & Dartmouth. And I wasn't mistaken, because my 4 years at Haverford are among the best memories of my life.

Arriving at the college as a freshman was somewhat of a shock for me. The medical exam & the swimming test w/ all that male nudity around surprised me, for at my high school we hadn't had a gymnasium nor was there much emphasis on sports.

What a temptation! I guess, despite my sexual preference, I was somewhat of a prude. I soon got over this when I moved into the "Casa" (Spanish House), which was the closest thing to fraternity living at Haverford. I was thrown in not only w/a few other freshman, but upperclassmen as well.

There was a lot of camaraderie, no modesty & much masculine bragging & boasting about sexual prowess & conquests.

But I had to keep my desires hidden & maintain myself faithful to the Protestant ethic I believed was expected of me, not only by my peers, but also by my family. I was supposed to date girls, eventually marry & procreate & generally maintain the "front."

So I dated, lost my virginity to a woman (which I found was just not my cup of tea, although I had long before lost it to a man) & tried to keep up appearances. I thought I was the only one different in all of Haverford. As it turns out, this wasn't the case, although while I was there I made no contact w/any other gays.

We were all in the closet at the time. However, I controlled my desires & had no gay experiences at the college until the night before my graduation when I had a marvelous sexual encounter w/a guy I had long had a crush on in the class behind me. We later continued our very satisfactory relationship for a year of graduate school where we both happened to be.

Having been born & raised in Cuba I circulated in two separate cultures; I lived a double existence. I had secret sex w/Cubans, kept my hands off my fellow American schoolmates & maintained the life expected of me in the American colony, dating girls, going to church, pretending to be what deep down inside me I knew I wasn't.

After college, the Army & grad school, I came to Brazil where I met a wonderful Brazilian w/whom I've had a lasting relationship of 36 years. It was he who helped me overcome my hangups & accept myself as I am so that today I'm not afraid to come out of the closet & admit that I am gay.

I'm just sorry that in my day at Haverford there was no Lambda for us to turn to for guidance, support & understanding. We wouldn't all have been such lost souls seeking to sublimate our special desires or thinking we were the sole "different" ones on campus. We would have been known to each other & able to share our anxieties, hopes, frustrations & crushes.

It's very satisfying to know that Haverford is still in the liberal forefront & leading the way to recognition of gays on campuses. The Lambda Alumni are to be congratulated for paving the way to make this possible.

Cultivating Positive Emotions to Optimize Health & Well-Being

Experiences of negative emotion are inevitable & at times useful. Even so, when extreme, prolonged, or contextually inappropriate, negative emotions can trigger a wide array of problems for individuals & for society.

Fear & anxiety, for instance, fuel phobias & other anxiety disorders (Ohman, 1993) & together with acute & chronic stress may compromise immune functioning & create susceptibilities to stress-related physical disorders ( O'Leary, 1990).

For some individuals, sadness & grief may swell into unipolar depression (Nolen-Hoeksema, Morrow, & Fredrickson, 1993), which when severe can lead to immunosuppression (O'Leary, 1990), loss of work productivity (Coryell, Scheftner, Keller, & Endicott, 1993) & suicide ( Chen & Dilsaver, 1996).

Anger & its poor management have been implicated in the etiology of heart disease (Barefoot, Dahlstrom, & Williams, 1983; Fredrickson, Maynard, et al., 1999; Scheier & Bridges, 1995; Williams et al., 1980) & some cancers ( Eysenck, 1994; Greer & Morris, 1975), as well as in aggression & violence, especially in boys & men ( Buss, 1994; Lemerise & Dodge, 1993).

Given the suffering & loss that stem from negative emotions, the press to understand these emotions is immense. In part reflecting this press, the scientific literature on emotions includes far more publications on negative emotions, like fear, anger & sadness, than on positive emotions, like joy, interest & contentment.

One could argue that efforts to understand positive emotion should be postponed while psychologists learn more about preventing & treating the disease & suffering caused by negative emotions. But what if positive emotions could help to solve some of the problems that negative emotions generate? What if positive emotions could help people overcome negative emotions faster & build their resilience to future adversities?

This article takes these possibilities seriously. I begin by presenting a model that describes the form & function of positive emotions (Fredrickson, 1998). I next provide a brief overview of studies that test the implications of this model for the role of positive emotions in regulating negative emotions ( Fredrickson & Levenson, 1998; Fredrickson, Mancuso, Branigan, & Tugade, 1999).

My ultimate aim is to illustrate the implications that this new model has for counteracting - both preventing & treating - individual & societal problems that stem from negative emotions. This isn't a tautological endeavor: Preventing or alleviating problematic negative emotions doesn't in itself cultivate positive emotions. Positive emotions are more than the absence of negative emotions.

The capacity to experience positive emotions remains a largely untapped human strength. The possible benefits of positive emotions seem particularly undervalued in cultures like ours that endorse the Protestant ethic, which casts hard work & self-discipline as virtues & leisure & pleasures as sinful.

Departing from this ethic, I will argue that the best solutions to problems stemming from negative emotions are ones that capitalize on positive emotions. An important feature of positive emotions is that their effects don't end once suffering is prevented or alleviated.

The repercussions of experiencing positive emotions resonate further: I hypothesize that positive emotions, when tapped effectively, can optimize health, subjective well-being & psychological resilience.

This outlook concurs with the emerging view that psychology should examine, both theoretically & empirically, the positive aspects of human experience as rigorously as it does the negative aspects ( Ryff & Singer, 1998; Seligman, 1998).

Current Perspectives on Emotion

A brief review of current perspectives on emotions provides an important backdrop. Working definitions of emotions vary somewhat among researchers. Even so, a consensus is emerging that emotions are multi- component response tendencies that unfold over relatively short time spans.

Typically, an emotion process begins with an individual's assessment of the personal meaning of some antecedent event - what Lazarus (1991) called the "person - environment relationship," or "adaptational encounter."

This appraisal process triggers a cascade of response tendencies, which may be manifest across loosely coupled component systems, such as subjective experience, facial expressions & physiological changes. Emotions differ from moods in that they're about some personally meaningful circumstance (i.e., they have an object), whereas moods are often free-floating or objectless (Oatley & Jenkins, 1996).

Emotions also differ from affective traits, such as hostility, neuroticism, or optimism: Enduring affective traits predispose individuals toward experiencing certain emotions & so affective traits & emotional states represent different levels of analysis (Rosenberg, 1998).

As one critical example, key to many models of emotions, is the idea that emotions are, by definition, associated with specific action tendencies (Frijda, 1986; Frijda, Kuipers, & Schure, 1989; Lazarus, 1991; Levenson, 1994; Oatley & Jenkins, 1996; Tooby & Cosmides, 1990).

Fear, for example, is linked with the urge to escape, anger with the urge to attack, disgust the urge to expel & so on. No theorist would argue that people invariably act out these urges when feeling particular emotions.

But rather, people's ideas about possible courses of action narrow in on a specific set of behavioral options. A key idea in these models is that having these specific action tendencies come to mind is what makes emotions evolutionarily adaptive: These are among the actions that worked best in getting our ancestors out of life-or-death situations.

Another key idea is that specific action tendencies & physiological changes go hand- in-hand. So, for example, when you have an urge to escape when feeling fear, your body reacts by mobilizing appropriate autonomic support for the possibility of running (Levenson, 1992, 1994).

Fredrickson & Levenson (1998) noted that negative & positive emotions aren't isomorphic in this regard. Instead, the specific action tendencies identified for positive emotions are vague & underspecified.

Joy, for instance, is linked to aimless activation, contentment with inactivity & interest with attending ( Frijda, 1986). These tendencies, in our view, are far too general to be called specific. This is an example of how theorists have tended to squeeze positive emotions into the same theoretical mold as negative emotions.

Whereas others before me have noted that the fit for positive emotions is poor (Ekman, 1992; Lazarus, 1991), to my reading of the literature, this acknowledgment hadn't yet been productive. The need for a better way to make sense of positive emotions was clear.

Taking Positive Emotions Seriously

The first question is: If many positive emotions don't share the hallmark feature with the negative emotions of promoting & supporting specific actions, then what's their form & possible function?

To answer this, ideas about positive emotions need to be uncoupled from ideas about negative emotions. There's good reason to retain models based on specific action tendencies for negative emotions but to start fresh for positive emotions.

In making this fresh start, I propose discarding two common presumptions (Fredrickson, 1998). The first is that emotions must necessarily yield specific action tendencies. Although positive emotions often produce urges to act, they appear to be less prescriptive than negative emotions about which particular actions should be taken.

The second is that emotions must necessarily spark tendencies for physical action. Some of the positive emotions seem instead to spark changes primarily in cognitive activity. So, in place of action tendencies, I refer to thought–action tendencies.

Additionally, instead of presuming these thought - action tendencies are specific, I discuss the relative breadth of the momentary thought - action repertoire.

Using this new terminology, traditional action-oriented models can be paraphrased for negative emotions as follows: Negative emotions narrow a person's momentary thought - action repertoire. They do so by calling to mind & body the time-tested, ancestrally adaptive actions represented by specific action tendencies.

This effect is clearly adaptive in life-threatening situations that require quick action to survive. Because positive emotions aren't linked to threats requiring quick action, an alternative model seems warranted: I have proposed that positive emotions broaden a person's momentary thought - action repertoire (Fredrickson, 1998).

In the following sections, I build the case for this proposal by describing 3 distinct positive emotions: joy, interest & contentment.¹  

For each, I touch on (a) the circumstances that tend to elicit the emotion (b) apparent changes in the momentary thought - action repertoire & (c) the consequences or outcomes of these changes.

Joy

Interest

Interest, Izard (1977) proposed, is the emotion experienced most frequently. Interest & related affective states (e.g., curiosity, wonder, excitement, intrinsic motivation & flow) arise in contexts appraised as safe & as offering novelty, change, a sense of possibility (Izard, 1977), challenge ( Csikszentmihalyi, 1990), or mystery (Kaplan, 1992).

These contexts also tend to be appraised as important & requiring effort & attention (Ellsworth & Smith, 1988). Some theorists have posited that the momentary thought–action tendency of interest is to simply attend (e.g., Frijda, 1986).

Yet to my mind this stops short of fully describing the impact of interest. Instead, I favor Izard's (1977) treatment of interest, which builds on earlier work by Tomkins (1962). The momentary thought–action tendency sparked by interest, according to Izard (1977), is exploration, explicitly & actively aimed at increasing knowledge of & experience with the target of interest.

Interest generates "a feeling of wanting to investigate, become involved, or extend or expand the self by incorporating new information & having new experiences with the person or object that has stimulated the interest" (Izard, 1977, p. 216). Although interest may or may not be accompanied by overt physical action, it's nonetheless associated with feeling animated & enlivened; Tomkins (1962) characterized interest as thinking with excitement.

Importantly, the openness to new ideas, experiences & actions is what characterizes the mindset of interest as broadened, rather than narrowed.

Although interested individuals explore for intrinsic reasons, to satisfy their own inner curiosity, such exploration has reliable outcomes. Most obviously, interest-inspired exploration increases an individual's knowledge (Deci, Vallerand, Pelletier, & Ryan, 1991; Hazen & Durrett, 1982; Renninger, Hidi, & Krapp, 1992).

Beyond simply incrementing knowledge, interest & related states also appear to foster "psychological complexity," defined by Csikszentmihalyi & Rathunde (1998) as the ability to integrate & differentiate complex relationships with people & among concepts & strivings.

Similarly, Izard (1977), again building on Tomkins (1962), wrote that interest is the primary instigator of personal growth, creative endeavor & development of intelligence.

Interest, then, not only broadens an individual's momentary thought - action repertoire as the individual is enticed to explore, but over time & as a product of sustained exploration, interest also builds the individual's store of knowledge & cognitive abilities. Again, these become durable resources that can be accessed in later moments & in other emotional states.

Contentment

Contentment & related emotions (e.g., serenity, tranquillity & relief) arise in situations appraised as safe & as having a high degree of certainty & a low degree of effort (Ellsworth & Smith, 1988).

This emotion is distinct from mere satisfaction, or the pleasure that derives from a good meal or otherwise meeting bodily needs. It may also be the positive emotion least appreciated in Western cultures. In part, contentment is captured by the Japanese emotion term amae, which refers to the sense of being accepted & cared for by others in a passive relationship of reciprocal dependence (Markus & Kitayama, 1991).

At first blush, to the extent that inactivity isn't an action, contentment appears to have no real action tendency. It may be, however, that the changes sparked by contentment are more cognitive than physical.

A closer look at theoretical writings on contentment & related states suggests that this emotion prompts individuals to savor the moment or recent experiences, feel "oneness" with others or the world around them & integrate current & recent experiences into their overall self-concept & world view (Izard, 1977; de Rivera, Possel, Verette, & Weiner, 1989). Contentment isn't simply behavioral passivity but rather a reflective broadening of a person's self-views & world views.

Contentment, according to this analysis, is a mindful emotion. It involves full awareness of & openness to momentary experiences; it carries the urge to savor & integrate those experiences, which in turn creates a new sense of self & a new world view.

These links to mindfulness, receptivity, integration, self-complexity & insight characterize contentment as an emotion that broadens individuals' momentary thought - action repertoires & builds their personal resources.

Positive Emotions Broaden & Build

A parallelism has emerged here: Not only do joy, interest & contentment share the feature of broadening an individual's momentary thought -  action repertoire, but they also share the feature of building the individual's personal resources, ranging from physical & intellectual resources to social resources. Importantly, these resources are more durable than the transient emotional states that led to their acquisition.

By consequence, then, the often incidental effect of experiencing a positive emotion is an increment in enduring personal resources that can be drawn on later, in other contexts & in other emotional states. I call this the broaden - & - build model of positive emotions (Fredrickson, 1998).

A wide range of empirical evidence supports specific predictions drawn from the broaden - & - build model: Positive emotions & related positive states have been linked to broadened scopes of attention, cognition & action & enhanced physical, intellectual & social resources (for a review, see Fredrickson, 1998 ).

The work of Alice Isen & her colleagues is exemplary: Their experiments have demonstrated that positive emotions produce patterns of thought that are notably unusual (Isen, Johnson, Mertz, & Robinson, 1985), flexible (Isen & Daubman, 1984), creative (Isen, Daubman, & Nowicki, 1987) & receptive (Estrada, Isen, & Young, 1997 ).

In general terms, Isen suggested that positive affect "enlarges the cognitive context" (Isen, 1987, p. 222), an effect recently linked to increases in brain dopamine levels ( Ashby, Isen, & Turken, in press). This body of evidence is consistent with the broadening effects of positive emotions that I've proposed.

Importantly, the broaden - & - build model doesn't predict that persons experiencing positive emotions become unfocused, scattered, or shallow thinkers.

In contrast, it suggests that these persons typically maintain their focus within the emotion-relevant domain (e.g., the specific love relationship, playful episode, or target of interest), but are at the same time generative of, or receptive to, a wide range of ideas & actions within the domain of their focus.