What is Change?

Change is:

• A break in the normal routine.

• A threat to our security.

• An alteration in our current lifestyle.

• The unknown, the ambiguous, the uncertainty one must face after a loss.

• The challenging of old beliefs, attitudes and values after a loss occurs.

• The modification of current patterns of social interaction and conduct in adjusting to an altered life after a loss occurs.

•  A challenge to the status quo.

• Unsettling the calm and peace previously established.

• The requirement to shift one's way of reacting to a loss.

• The process by which a system reshapes or reforms itself in returning to a stable, functional condition.

• An undesirable reality for individuals who have suffered from an unpredictable home life with continuous reshuffling.

• A motivator for individuals to review the way they're living their lives and relating to others; a chance to improve their relationships and their quality of life. 

• Altering the sense and order we have maintained in life.

• Shifting of priorities to make new order and sense out of the consequences of the change.

• An unbalancing in which we're unsure of ourselves and unsure of our ability to adjust.

• A requirement for us to call on our inner, untapped resources to adjust and cope with the results.

• Often a requirement for us to call on others to help us adjust and cope with the consequences.

• Perceived with fear and dread because of its unknown and ambiguous nature.

• A continuous process of readjusting and refining relationships and ways of acting.

• A way of life for people who thrive on crisis and disarray. Some people need continuous change in order to feel vital and alive.

• A process required to improve our current level of functioning.

How do people who avoid change act?

People who actively avoid change in their lives:

·         Act in a cautious manner in all aspects of their lives, personal and professional.

·         Are very security oriented and seek a set or patterned way of life for themselves.

·         Resist discussions that will focus on areas needing change in their lives.

·         Withdraw from situations that might result in a need for change.

·         Deny the need for altered behavior resulting from a loss.

·         Get angry with the people in their lives who confront them with the need for change in order to adjust to a loss.

·         Fantasize how life has remained the same despite a loss and ignore any signs of the need for change.

·         Are willing to do anything in order to avoid necessary changes in their lives.

·         Associate only with people who support their beliefs and value systems, which deny the need for change.

• denial
• bargaining
• anger 
• despair

What are some benefits to be gained by adjusting to change?

·         Appropriate coping and development of adaptive behavior patterns required by the loss.

·         Individual, personal, social and emotional growth.

·         Increased personal, marital, family or work productivity.

·         Restoration of a sense of order and purpose to life.

·         A "getting on" with our life with a minimum of delay, confusion, or complication resulting from the avoidance of change.

·         Identification of a set of internal resources and strengths perhaps not previously evident in ourselves.

·         A conservation of our personal energy by channeling it into necessary and desirable activities in the adjustment to change.

·         Avoiding fearful, paranoid, or frightened behavior in activities that might result in change.

·         A relaxed point of view about the realities of life and open acceptance of the inevitability of change and adaptation for the future.

·         A realistic establishment of goals for ourselves and others that fit within the parameters of the resulting change.

·         Giving ourselves a chance to use our positive qualities and attributes to their fullest, validating our self worth and goodness.

Action steps for accepting change

Step 1.  Determine what change is most likely to occur after a specific loss. In determining what the change is, answer the following questions:

·         When will this change take place?

·         How will the change affect my interpersonal relationships?

·         What material things in my life will be affected by this change?

·         How will my work be affected by this change?

·       How will this change affect myself or my personality?

·         What are the benefits to me of fully accepting this change?

·          What are the consequences if I don't fully accept this change?

·      How will this change affect my family &/or marriage?

·         What information do I need in order to openly accept this change.

Step 2. Once you've answered the questions in Step 1, describe the change with which you're dealing as a result of the specific loss.

Step 3. Now that you know what the change is, create a visual image of yourself 6 months from now after having fully accepted the change. In this visualization picture yourself as successfully coping with the change. Include the following variables into your visual image

People involved:

Material objects involved

Your work, if involved

Your family and/or spouse, if involved

You as a person: how you're feeling, how you're acting and your success in the new, changed circumstance

Step 4. Use the visual image of your successful acceptance of change in a process of self-instruction.

Step 5.     If you remain unable to accept or adapt to the change, perhaps you never realized exactly what the change would be.

Perhaps you're immobilized due to your resistance to change. In either case, return to Step one & begin again. Repeat Steps 1 thru 5 until you have gained acceptance of the change. 

Change

The New Coins of Creativity

"MAN" is a strange creature. Sometimes he absolutely thrives on change - change and more change. On the other hand, he sometimes fights change vehemently - right to the death.

Either the "proposed change" dies - or - his wishes and desires have to die. It’s one or the other. Sometimes he knows why he's resisting change and sometimes it's merely a knee-jerk reaction - an involuntary response to something new, different and strange.

Are you resisting a change in your life? A change which could be good for you or your family? Do you need someone to walk you through the scariest part of a good change?

Are you struggling with changes which could be bad for you or others? Do you need some encouragement to help you stand your ground?

Here’s How I Resisted Good Change!

For 10 years or so, I wrote articles for public consumption, but they were never edited. Never! I typed them out on a typewriter - one time only and then sent them out. Sometimes, I would correct a misspelled word or two.

But, the original draft is what people saw. If that first attempt to get my thoughts across wasn't good enough for me, well then, it simply remained in the pile of unfinished stuff to do - or was discarded completely. I hated to edit and re-write.

People kept telling me I needed a computer. They said it made editing so simple and easy. But, I resisted the thought? Why? Who knows? There were probably several factors which caused me to draw back from something new and different.

Was I afraid of the unknown?

Sure!

Did I think it would cost too much money?

Yes!

Had I heard horror stories from other people who had started using a computer?

Yes!

Did I hear wives complaining about how much time their husbands spent on the computer?

Absolutely!

Did I think I could waste that kind of time on something that was supposed to save me time? No!

So, guess what? I resisted change. I balked. I drug my feet. I ‘brayed’ at people who kept trying to sell me on the idea. That just proved to them what kind of a donkey I really was!

Someone gave me a computer and it didn’t work. No one seemed to be able to fix it. That convinced me I didn’t want to walk blindly into this new ‘high-tech’ society.

Guess what? Somebody gave me a good computer. I got started and hated almost everything about getting started. I never gave up my typewriter. With a computer at my finger-tips, I would often swivel around to the other part of my desk and type my letters on the trusty old typewriter.

I did that for many months. Maybe a year or more.

Finally, little by little, my resistance was worn down. I got used to the unfamiliar. I discovered the hidden benefits of computer living. I got used to the new computer language. It was simply ‘new words’ and ‘new descriptions’ for things which had never existed before.

Now? Now, we have 3 computers in our office. Can’t hardly live without them! ‘Old Fashioned Me’ has died. The new world won out. I'm now in the main flow of progressive change. I can’t hardly believe all the newness I’m exposed to everyday. It’s still a bit overwhelming at times. But, I’m committed. I’m here to stay.

Here’s How I Resisted Bad Change

When I was a kid on an early morning paper route, I often eyed the lit up windows of the early risers. Why? I’ll let you figure that one out. I actually played the part of an active ‘peeping Tom’ on a couple of occasions. Never saw a thing worth seeing! But, I sure felt guilty. I even read of other people getting caught for doing that kind of stuff and having to go to jail. Terrible. Terrible.

But, guess what? Everything I was trying to see back then is now blatantly exposed on T.V. and nobody is going to jail for it. I was born in the wrong generation! Even the mom’s and dad’s are peeping into other people’s private lives on a regular basis. Inhibitions are gradually being broken down. Our moral immune system is getting confused and starting to shut down. We no longer fight strongly against temptation. Instead, we turn around and fight against members of our own family. We become a cancer cell in our community, our churches and our homes.

Oh, don’t worry. I’m not going to play the role of some old self-righteous hypocrite. I’m not on a crusade of morality. I’m not going to try to clean up your life or keep anyone else from doing what they want to do in a free society. I’m just searching for an illustration to show that sometimes ‘resistance to change’ can be good! I don’t want to encourage people to accept all change just for the sake of being open minded, daring and liberal.

In fact, when I got my first satellite T.V. ‘curiosity’ lured me into watching a few episodes of ‘filth city’. Talk about tainting a man’s soul and troubling his spirit. I knew this was one change in society that I shouldn't accept for myself. Computers are great, but I also discovered the dangers of society’s new ‘web of deceit’. Once again, I found myself up to my eyeballs in sewer viewing. I knew there was no good future in that kind of a ‘change’ in my life. I didn’t want to ‘change’ with the world and it’s new ways.

Some women cringe when someone spills a stainable substance on their new carpet. Some men go into a rage when a car door touches the beautiful paint job on their new car. Well, in my estimation, my mind is more valuable than 10 new cars and 100 new carpets. No matter how much stringent scrubbing I’ve done, those indiscretions have still left a mark on my life that I’m not proud of.

Sure, I could be like the lady who puts the coffee table over that horrible stain to hide it. Another lady can add a throw rug to the decor to do the same thing. But, I must always remember that ‘my life must be an open book’. Anyone who goes public for any reason ought to be willing to live an open and honest life before the public they serve.

Fear isn't a good thing. When life tries to make me fearful, I’m going to resist that change also, because it isn't a good change. Therefore, I refuse to be afraid of what others will think of my ‘true confessions’.

I'm not trying to control other peoples lives anymore. I'm not here to condemn anyone for their own choices. I used to do that a lot. But, I’m slowly being weaned away from that mentality. Now, I’m more involved in using my life as an example and my words as an influence to encourage others to make their own good choices. I’m not responsible for what others do, but I'm responsible for how I react to them.

One good change I’m trying to accept into my life is the practice of being a non-condemning person without condoning everything that goes on in the world. That’s a narrow tightrope to walk on! Who can keep their balance without wobbling a little once in a while? I’m not perfect at it yet, but I’m trying.

Okay! Let’s change lanes. Quick!

I’m tired of talking about that stuff.

Change & Creativity!

Mental stability is often enhanced by getting up at the same time everyday. Your body clock gets used to the routine. Temperature changes and subconscious activities can fit into a pattern and a flow. Medical essays will tout the blessings and advantages of giving your body clock a regular rythym to follow. Sameness isn’t always bad.

I’ve heard of people who go to bed at 9:00 every night and they have done that for years. There are people who eat the ‘same kind of breakfast’ almost every day of the year. Others shop at the same 6 stores - year around. They wear the same color of socks every Monday. Why? Because that’s the same color they wear Tuesday thru Sunday.

These people have the power to become stalwart, dependable, stabilizing pillars in a family or community. The flakey, emotional, hyper members of the family often make fun of them and think them strange. But, if they were so strange there wouldn’t be so many of them around, would there?

If I hadn’t been tied to a woman with ‘roots’, I'd still be chasing my tail all over the world. I grew up in a family that travelled constantly. There was never any dependable routine in my life - except the routine of change.

When I was in the 6th grade, I attended 5 different schools in one year - in various states. The longest we ever lived in one place was 3 years and that was because my grandpaw bought us a house. The longest job I ever had was a year-and-a-half! I’ve worked on over 40 different kinds of jobs in my lifetime.

I was geared for creativity- not stability!

I’ve finally settled down. After taking my wife around the world and playing havoc with her mind for a long time, I finally told her we were coming back to her beloved ranchland and staying there for the rest of our lives.

An unthinkable decision for me. Absolutely unthinkable. And for the first 2 years here I was miserable, totally miserable. I made the decision to come back, but I found myself resenting my wife. Why? Because I made that decision to facilitate her desires. I felt like she was keeping me from flourishing mentally. I felt like her nature was keeping me back from fulfilling something within my own nature.

So, guess what? I started throwing rocks at the goats and cussing them out because they wouldn’t do what I wanted them to do. One day asked myself why I was getting so angry at dumb animals who were just being themselves? I was being the dumb animal for not thinking up intelligent ways to get them to do what I wanted them to do.

But, beyond that - I finally realized I was angry at my wife for being a rancher type and because I felt that I was tied to ranch living just because of her. I was a city boy, a people person and here I was digging post holes and playing footsies with livestock.

That was the day I finally accepted my wife for what she was. For many years, I had been openly and subtly trying to change her to fit my mold, but it couldn’t be done. I quit trying and accepted her for who she was.

When I let go of my resentments, she let go of hers. Our home went into ‘peace mode’ for 6 years. After that, a few new skirmishes rocked the boat for a while, but even those are settling down again.

Change! We must learn to accept change for ourselves when it is necessary and quit trying to change others when we know it'll never happen. Some things a person must simply ‘live with’ to the best of their ability for as long as they can.

And THEY CAN for a lot longer than they think they can. It just takes a ‘change of heart’ or a ‘change of mindset’ to make some changes in our lives so that others don’t have to - for the sake of peace! That’s smart!

1. Helplessness

2. Irresponsibility

3. Hopelessness

If you're holding onto helplessness, irresponsibility or hopelessness messages you're being resistant to the new thoughts, emotions & actions available to you if you accept the belief that:

"I am powerless over my addictive, compulsive & obsessive relationship with food & I need to LET GO & hand over this powerlessness to my Higher Power so that I can be freed up to do those things necessary which are in my control to attain a balanced lifestyle."  

The message of this program is "I may be powerless over food, but there are responsible actions I can take to address how I can deal with this reality so that I might effect changes in my life to gain a balanced lifestyle.  

The only way you'll be able to accept the messages of this program is to LET GO of your helplessness, irresponsibility & hopelessness & hand them over to your Higher Power. You'll need to face yourself honestly for who you are & who you are not.

You'll need to accept that you can't change your relationship with food by having others do it for you nor conversely doing it all on your own.

You'll need to accept that you'll need to let go of the mask or facade you're currently carrying around with you which on the surface says:

"See I'm attending classes & reading the materials & I'm doing something about my weight, food & eating problems."

You aren't doing anything about your real problems if you aren't making a commitment at the intellectual, emotional & behavioral level to love yourself enough to do what is necessary to LET GO of what you can't change or control & to take actions to do what you can change & control.

This means that you need to be more active in pursuit of learning to love yourself more thru self-affirmations & CHILD visualizations (see in right column). You need to let go of your ANGER & grow in self-forgiveness.

You need to be ALERT to when you're becoming irrational, unrealistic or anxious over your food "crazies."

You need to increase the amount of exercise you do on a daily basis.

You need to start working the 12 Steps of the SEA's Program.

You need to accept the message of the Serenity Prayer as your mantra for recovery from your powerlessness over food.

You need to accept that there's only one person responsible for your success in this program & that is you. Finally you'll have to humble yourself to accept personal responsibility for your own success in attaining a balanced lifestyle by saying daily:

A. Looking Good

The underlying theme of the Looking Good behavioral pattern is that

"I'm not good enough."

This message gets played out in food addiction by the need to present to the world an image or behavioral style which puts the "best face" forward even if it's a lie.

The goal is to get approval from others at all costs. An example is, if you want others to currently think that you're doing well in your efforts to change the way you eat then when you're around them you'll be careful what and how much you eat in front of them, but behind their backs you'll be less careful.

If you never lose weight, don't have an increase in energy or don't feel better about yourself will give this lie away eventually. It would be better to be honest with others and admit that you haven't gotten motivated yet to undertake the task of altering your relationship with food yet.

The risk is that the others might not approve of this decision on your part. If you've been doing the work of self-loving, self-nurturing, self-affirming and self-approving as encouraged in this program and the Tools for Coping Series, you will not care what others think or say about you since the only person's approval you need is your own.  

Looking Good behaviors with food include the following:

1. You eat before you go out to eat with others in public at a party or on a date. You do this to be sure that you aren't hungry when you go out, so that you will not eat everything in sight and make a "fool" of yourself in the eyes of others. You then eat sparsely at the party or on the date to look good to the others. This is just one form of "closet eating" which is to hide how much and what kinds of food you eat.

You try never to eat out in public and if you have to, you try to minimize how much you openly eat. This keeps the world outside of the "truth" of your real relationship with food, even though your size, weight and energy level tell on you.  

2. Being an overachiever on the job or at home. Since you're obese or overweight, you overcompensate for this fact to disprove the notion that "fat people are lazy slobs." You put so much energy in being an achiever you have little emotional, physical or intellectual energy left to deal with changing your relationship with food.

If you changed your relationship with food and developed a healthy balanced lifestyle, perhaps you wouldn't need to work so hard to achieve and be successful. However there's a danger in this reality.

If you become healthier, thinner and happier you might not be as motivated to work so hard as you do on the job or at home. You might begin to change your priorities in life. This reality might scare you and you prefer to stay "looking good" because success has become more important to you than your health.

Being a dead "achiever" is more important than being a living and healthy "lifestyle balancer" who isn't as motivated to achieve.  

3. Dressing for success and looking attractive, neat and picture perfect all of the time. You never allow yourself be seen in public without every hair in place and every seam and pleat ironed. You spend hours making sure your hair and clothes look great. You spend countless hours making yourself up to look "just right" in the public eye.

You fear being ridiculed or rejected for looking unkempt, unprofessional or sloppy. You're obsessed in making your appearance "look good" to dispel the belief that "all fat people are slobs."

You would prefer to become a the best dressed corpse than an healthy, wholesome, energized relaxed dresser. If you put as much energy into changing your relationship with food as you do in the efforts to dress and look good, you'd be on your way to a balanced lifestyle already.  

4. Being over responsible to see that others get enough food. This is the concentrating on providing food and nourishment for others. This is an admirable endeavor but for a food addict this is a dangerous endeavor and it certainly keeps food as a primary topic of focus in your life when you're "powerless" over it.

It appears that you'd be better served to encourage the people in your life to become personally responsible for their own dealings with food.  

5. Lying about what you eat. You'll lie about how much you eat and how often you eat so as to avoid the negative reactions and responses of others.

Your need to "look good" to other goes so far as to perpetrate lie after lie about your eating habits. However your body and health tell the truth about you. You'd prefer to hide the truth than to honestly confront it and do something about it.

The time for honesty is now, so take the challenge and change.  

6. Entertaining with food. This is where you make food the central reason for the entertaining rather than the entertaining as being the rationale for the gathering.

You focus so much on the food that the role of socializing, having fun and enjoying the company of others gets lost. You claim the need to entertain to maintain your social contacts, business associations and community standing. Yet, you focus on the food aspect of such gatherings and miss the relationship component at times.

Your biggest binges are preparing and cleaning up after these gatherings, since you eat sparingly during them. You plan your food for these events weeks in advance and compulse, obsess and visualize them over and over until the event is completed.

You'd rather die from entertaining than live having fun, socializing and communicating with others in healthier food-free ways. Ok so you're saying, "Society teaches us that food is central to entertaining." So who said society is healthy. Be daring and put socializing, communicating and having fun as central in your entertaining and live longer.  

7. Being the "best cook." This is getting approval and recognition in the family, your circle of friends, neighborhood or community as being the "best cook."

This can be so addictive that you find it hard to give up the need for this recognition even if it means that you're persistently placing your life in jeopardy by being around food so much on a daily basis. A live "ex-best cook" is certainly more rational and realistic a title for a food addict than being a dead "best cook."  

The Looking Good Pattern like all of the other behavioral patterns of low self-esteem is a compulsive way of thinking, feeling and acting and it's important to become aware of the characteristics so that you can confront yourself or have others confront you when you're falling back into this pattern when dealing with your food addiction.  

B. Acting Out

The underlying theme of the Acting Out behavioral pattern in relationship with food is "No one is going to tell me what I can or can't eat. No one is going to tell me how much, when or where I can eat. No one is going to tell me how to correct my problem."

This message is a rebellion against any real or perceived authority figures. It's based on the message that

"I've been hurt once by others & no one is ever going to hurt me again."

The message of the Acting Out pattern is one of anger, resentment & hatred.

For example, in this program the suggestion is made to eat in moderation & to balance one's food intake with no more than 30% of the diet being in fat calories.

An Acting Out attitude would be: "No one is going to tell me how much I can eat & how many fat calories I'm going to ingest."

This person then goes about ignoring, rebelling against or turning off the message of health & continues to eat in unhealthy ways. The Acting Out pattern is a fight for control. It's the reacting to the real or perceived efforts of others to control them.

The behavior of Acting Out reflects the message: "I will never be controlled by anyone so don't try."

The unfortunate consequence of Acting Out in this program is that you'll never allow yourself to hear the messages of health, hope & happiness available to you in life. You will resist changing your lifestyle & will have a life of ill health, low energy & early death.  

Acting Out behaviors with food include:

1. Binge, binge & binge with no regard to the messages of how unhealthy it is for you. Your anger & rage at being controlled by the "messages" of the Tools for a Balanced Lifestyle Program gets you so emotionally unraveled that you proceed to do the opposite of what is being encouraged in the program.

You find yourself rebelling & fighting the messages & in your frustration, anger & rage you medicate yourself with food & continue your downward spiral of self-destructiveness.

You need others to confront this self-destructive Acting Out behavior so that you can look yourself in the mirror they're holding up to you to let you see that you're literally killing yourself out of your anger & rebellion not to be controlled by other. This program is voluntary & you're free to choose to enter & participate in it.

No one is holding a gun to your head to do this program. It's your free will choice to do or not to do it. Stop blaming others for "forcing" you to do it. Accept that you're in charge of your own life. If you want to die slowly then keep up the binging. If you want to begin to enjoy the fruits of a healthier, more energized, life enhancing existence than begin to take the steps of the program & put them into your life.

You need to do loads of ANGER work to release yourself from the grips of your rebellion.  

2. Maintaining an oppositional, "yes...but.." position. You may be doing this to the tenants of the Tools for Balanced Program which you find difficult to implement or maintain. You're so reactive to the messages & scripts in your head which are "old tapes" from the past from either a parent, relative, friend, teacher or authority figure about how you "should" deal with food that you hear these messages in the program's messages.

You perceive these messages to be forms of control just like the "old tapes" were. You're reacting to that person in the past by Acting Out to the messages of the present program. This makes it difficult for you to hear & to be open to the new messages of hope, health & happiness.

You hear them rather as messages of limitation, deprivation & discipline. You feel you're being limited in your freedom to be who you want to be. You feel that you're being controlled to be just like everyone else.

You need to do work at eliminating the power you've given these old messages. You need to do ANGER work & resentment release work so that you can have the emotional & psychic energy to get on with the reframing of your life into a more balanced way of dealing with food.  

Acting Out is self-destructive. It's an expression of anger. It's a rebellion against being controlled by others. You need to do ANGER work & LET GO work to free yourself emotionally to be open & accepting of the messages of the program so that you can get on with putting your life into balance.

C. Pulling In

The underlying theme of the Pulling In behavioral pattern is to become invisible by hiding your feelings from others.

The message of this behavioral pattern is to avoid being seen or heard so as to avoid any further pain, hurt or rejection in your life. By using the Pulling In pattern you  utilize food to medicate your feelings & to help stuff them down.

For example you may use food to insulate yourself from further physical, sexual, verbal or emotional abuse you have received from people in your past. The more food you eat & weight you put on your body the better the protection from future pain & hurt.

Unfortunately rather than becoming invisible & insulated from being hurt or rejected, due to your weight you gain unwanted attention & derision concerning your being fat & obese. Rather than becoming invisible & insulated you're more vulnerable to being seen & hurt.

Pulling In behaviors with food include:

1. Clandestine eating. The goal is that no one sees how much you eat. The more hidden, the better you like it to be. Your eating, you reason, is invisible to others.

However, your weight, lack of energy & unhealthy life give you away to the world as a foodaholic, food addict or compulsive overeater. It's healthier to eat out in the open & live longer than to eat in the closet & live a miserable unhappy, unhealthy & unbalanced life.  

2. Medicating emotions by eating. The public expression of all emotions is unwanted so you use food to address all of your feelings. Be they happy & positive feelings or negative & angry feelings it doesn't matter.

A feeling is a feeling which needs to be suppressed & kept in so as to maintain invisibility from others for fear of loss of approval, non-acceptance or rejection from others. As stated earlier in the Tools for Balanced Lifestyle Program, Food is Food & isn't an emotional release.

Use of the ALERT, ANGER, CHILD & LET GO systems are food free methods of dealing with emotions which are healthier, realistic & life engendering. If you continue to stuff & pull your feelings in by using food you'll be unhealthy, lack energy & remain unhappy & unfulfilled.  

3. Insulating self. This is an effort to keep you safe from sexual advances & movement towards intimacy with others.

Since you've been hurt in the past by members of the opposite or same sex & because you've experienced pain & suffering in past intimate relationships, you wrongly believe that if you insulate yourself with food & weight you'll be happier, more content & emotionally sound.

However your weight causes you more problems due to poor self-image, public humiliation & discrimination from others. You don't achieve the very goal you set out to gain by using food in a pulling in way.

It's important to get psychotherapeutic help to address your avoidance of intimacy issues so that you can get on with your life in a healthier way.

You'll need to do ANGER work on the past issues so that you can proceed on in life with a willingness to be vulnerable to being engaged in intimate relationships in the future.  

4. Using food & weight as the mantle of power & strength. This is to ward off the real or perceived intimidation & control by others to whom you have given a great deal of emotional power over you. You wrongly believe that weight & a large body will keep these "powerful" people from hurting or wounding you emotionally. Unfortunately, your weight becomes an object of scorn, negative commentary or advise given by the very "powerful" people you're trying to be stronger than. You irrationally give them more material with which to pick on you.

Rather than leave you alone & not ride you, they pick on your weight, poor eating habits & poor relationship with food. Rather than winning the competition for control, you lose the battle by gaining enough weight that your competitor has a real topic over which to pressure you.  

5. False sense of security. You wrongly believe that by having enough weight on your body you're secure in this cold, lonely world. It's a false sense of security which lasts only for short spurts.

This is because you're daily confronted with your image in the mirror which upsets you because your body doesn't look good to you. So you avoid mirrors so you can continue to feel security. But comments from others & your lack of energy, poor health & unhappiness fight your sense of security on a daily basis.  

Pulling In behaviors with food are dangerous because they cause you to become irrational, unrealistic & out of touch with reality about the impact of the use of food to help you to deal with your problems. You begin to live in a fantasy world where dreams, fantasy & ideals become your goals to accomplish in life.

The confusion & disappointment which comes from not achieving these dreams creates greater depression, resentment, frustration & greater anger. Pulling In behaviors are self-destructive & lead to greater dis-health, disharmony & discontent in your life.

What you need to do is ALERT work to get you out of fantasy & into reality.

You need ANGER work to get out your anger about why life isn't the way you want it to be.

You need CHILD work to nurture yourself in food free ways to give yourself authentic self-worth, self-confidence & personal security. Finally you need to do LET GO work to release yourself from the need to control your emotions by your use of food.

Food is a powerful influence in your life over which you're powerless.  You'll never be able to eliminate the Pulling In behaviors without extensive work on improving your emotional well being & self-esteem.  

D. Entertaining

The Entertaining behavioral pattern with food is based on the underlying theme of "let's avoid looking at the problem by deflecting it with a joke, laugh or side stepping."

The message of the Entertainer behavioral pattern is to make light of the seriousness of your problems with food, weight & lifestyle. The goal of the Entertaining behavioral pattern is to show that this problem doesn't bother you deeply & that you're "light hearted" when it comes to dealing with this issue in your life.

An example of this is when you crack a "fat joke" if you find yourself in an embarrassing situation which is food or weight related. The hope is that the others will laugh along with you so that they don't recognize that you're in pain & hurting over this situation.

Although you hope they'll see that you're "laughing on the outside," you know that you're indeed "crying on the inside," which causes great pain for you. The more you avoid dealing with your true emotions over your food & weight problems you're only prolonging the time it'll take for you to make the commitment to do something about it.

You would rather make light of it than take it seriously because it'll involve a great deal of effort, time & energy to relate to food in a healthier way which seems too big, overwhelming & impossible to get a handle on.

Entertaining behavior is a form of disguising yourself in the public eye so that no one can get a reading as to how you're really feeling about your problem.  

Entertaining behaviors with food are:

1. Joking about fat people or about food. This entertaining behavior is a way to hide feelings of embarrassment, shame, guilt, insecurity, unhappiness, anger etc over having weight & eating problems. It's easier to joke about the problem than to openly admit that you're a food addict, foodaholic or compulsive overeater.

This behavior works to divert the attention of others away from your real problems with food so that you don't have to discuss your real feelings in public. The reality is that as long as you persist in avoiding openly admitting your problem to others you'll never be able to put the time, emotional energy & commitment into doing something about it.

Openly discussing your problem in a serious vain is a way to strengthen your recovery efforts from food addiction. Identifying & openly admitting your problem is a major hurdle to jump to get on track with putting your lifestyle into balance & developing a new healthier relationship with food.

It would be better to be a healthy, higher energy, happier thin person than to continue to perpetrate the myth that you're a jolly fat person who is unhealthy, devoid of energy & unhappy on the inside.  

2. Making food a regular topic of conversation. This entertaining behavior is a way to hide the fact that food is a problem for you. Rather you try to give the image that "I am OK with food." The image becomes the goal in these conversations.

However you forget that non-verbal communication speaks louder than words. Others know that your health, energy & personal happiness are affected by your weight & food problems. They can sense the truth by what isn't being said just by looking at your body & the way you live your live.

It would be better to learn a whole new topic to converse about so that you aren't feeding your obsession & addiction to food. It would be better for you to be a boring conversationalist who is healthy, with higher energy & happier than a sick, low energy & unhappy food discussant.

As was stated in the introduction to the Tools for a Balanced Lifestyle Program, it's better not to discuss your activities in this program so as to keep yourself from feeling pressure to lose a certain amount of weight or to be watched carefully by others as to what you eat.

 The goal is to broaden your horizons about life & to take a new course of action when it come to what you talk about in your free time. Food free conversations are healthy conversations for food addicts.  

3. Flamboyant & Jolly disposition with others. This entertaining behavioral combination is a way to overcompensate for what your real feelings are. You might dress flamboyantly to indicate that your weight doesn't bother you. You might enjoy being recognized & pointed out as being idiosyncratic in your dress. You might make it a point to always be jolly, jubilant & light hearted when with others to indicate "that although I'm overweight I'm still a happy person." This combination of behaviors is a mask which you wear to be dishonest to yourself & to others.

The time has come to take a stand & come clean. Admit to yourself & others that you're not always OK with your weight & food problems. Admit that you have negative emotions about food & your weight & take steps to address these feelings.  

Entertaining behaviors are based on the need to deny reality when it comes to negative emotions. It's important to do grief work & ALERT work to identify what realities in life you're running away from facing. You need to do ANGER work about the negative impact that you food addiction has had on your life.

You need to do CHILD work to nurture yourself in food free ways so that you don't need to spend so much emotional energy "to put on a happy face" for others to hide your pain, shame & sadness.

You need to do LET GO work to let go of the need to avoid facing reality for what it is. You need to accept that keeping your focus on your problem with food will keep you on track in your efforts to change your lifestyle & heal your relationship with food.  

E. Troubled Person

The Troubled Person behavioral pattern with food is a combination of the other 4 behavioral patterns with the underlying theme of denial. The message of denial is the perpetrating of the delusion or myths that you aren't a food addict, nor a foodaholic nor a compulsive eater.

It's the holding tenaciously to the beliefs that: "I can control my relationship with food by dieting" or "I can quit my over use of food any time I want" or "I don't have a problem with food."

The goal of the Troubled Person is to keep others from trying to get you to change or address your eating or weight problems. It's focused on redirecting peoples efforts to change & control you by use of denial, anger, counter attacks, or vitriolic ranting.

It's the use of manipulation, such as helplessness, dependency, guilt, blatant self-pity, hopelessness or self-flagellation. The Troubled Person isn't motivated to change. It's the ultimate irresponsible response to food addiction & unless it's addressed & changed will be the reason why you're never able to get your life into balance.

It's the behavioral pattern which is ultimately self-destructive which can lead you if unchecked to a life of poor health, unhappiness & possible early death.

The Troubled Person behavioral pattern is "diet driven" with the belief that "This diet is going to be the last diet of my life, all I have to do is to lose my weight & it'll be gone for ever."

Looking for the magic cure or simple solution to "fix" everything is the drive of the Troubled Person. What follows is an example of a Troubled Person behavioral pattern dealing with food addiction. It's my story.  

Hi, I am Jim & I'm a recovering food addict, obese person, compulsive overeater & foodaholic. I was obese from the time I was in 4th grade. I always had to wear "huskies" or "fat boy" clothes.

I was always self-conscious about the size of my body. I was embarrassed & ashamed of it. I always felt "not good enough" & wanted others approval all of my life. I worked hard to get others' approval by being an honor student in school & working hard at jobs I was given.

Once I reached adulthood, I became obsessed with food. I enjoyed the taste of food & talked about food all of the time. I always used food references when talking about any topic be it politics: "It was a crackerjack deal" or sports "He was a real hot dog" or religion "It was as peaceful & nurturing as being in a bakery as fresh bread was being baked in an oven."

I was always looking for the quick fix on my weight problems. I went from one diet to another. I would lose & gain my weight. I was a yo-yo dieter but in denial that there was a problem with this. I had 2 sets of clothes, my "fat clothes" & my "thin clothes."

I didn't know anything about nutrition & was completely resistant to learning anything about it. I would use intellectualizations, rationalizations & obfuscation to address my food & weight problems.

I'd resist anyone's suggestion that I had a problem. I'd get angry & rage at anyone who suggested I was lazy & irresponsible. I was defensive when someone would address my need to change the ways I dealt with food.

I was unable to listen to anyone talk about lifestyle change. I resisted exercise as just something "jocks" did.  I was always believing that:

"I've been cheated because I have a big body which loves food." "It wasn't my fault that I was fat, it was my genetic predisposition & family of origin which made me so."

I was clinically depressed & lacked energy falling asleep at the moment I sat in a chair. I had health problems, my knees were weak from the years of strain under my weight & I had two knee surgeries to take out the cartilage in them.

I was angry, resentful, lonely, embarrassed, guilt-ridden & disgusted with myself. I worked harder & harder to achieve success in my profession to get others recognition, acceptance & approval, but no matter how hard or how much I did I never felt "good enough."

I was the "family chef" & cooked for everyone. The focus of all of our entertaining was food. It was so bad that for a couple who was recently engaged, my wife & I gave a party to celebrate their impending marriage. The food we prepared became the focus of the evening & unfortunately the couple got ignored by all of our guests.

I was in a downward spiral. I was becoming more & more convinced that I was destined to be a rolly polly, jolly fat person who had to regale everyone with my "fat jokes" to let them know that I wasn't bothered by being fat. I would binge & eat to medicate my emotions & negative mind set.

I could sit down & finish off two meals in one sitting & then top it off with a number of desserts & sweets. I was eating all of the time. I became obsessed with food & was a closet eater hoping to hide my eating habits from others. When asked about my weight, I always claimed to be working on it by saying I had just begun a new diet.

My life had become unamanagebale due to my compulsive & addictive use of food. I was a Looking Good, Acting Out, Pulled In, Entertainer with food who had become a deeply Troubled Person.  

In 1985 I went into a one week treatment program to address my behavioral patterns which stemmed from my dysfunctional past. I became committed to working on my self-esteem. I began to write on a weekly basis a recovery plan for every emotional issue I needed to change to improve my self-esteem.

This resulted in the Tools for Coping Series books. I found that after a year of work on my self-esteem, I was able to accept the messages of lifestyle balancing & changing one's relationship with food by becoming nutrition literate. I implemented a program of exercise in my life which I keep to this very day.

I have become a recovering food addict whose body is an Italian Bank account. I live like a caveperson in the ways I relate to food & exercise. I was only able to turn my life around by recognizing that I was a Troubled Person with food & I came out of denial & ceased living my life in a delusional fantasy.

To insure I would not relapse back into my old unhealthy ways I began to self-disclose to others the nature of my food addiction & low self esteem. This self-disclosure compelled me to continue to work on these issues so that I could be honest with myself & other & not become a closet hypocrite.

As a result of my recovery process, I'm on the alert when others claim they want to change but function more in denial & Looking Good in their efforts. I have found that confrontation is the best motivational tool to use to keep me out of denial & delusion & I use this tool with others to keep them honest & on track.

So you can now understand why the Tools for a Balanced Lifestyle book has an emphasis on dealing with the resistance to change & is confrontational in nature.  

Troubled Person behaviors with food include:

1. Resistance to change. You aren't willing to come out of denial & stop your delusions about food in your life. Although you're reading this book or are enrolled in this program, you aren't in reality ready to make the changes necessary in your life.

You need time to come to grips with your self esteem issues. You need to learn to love yourself more so that you believe you're deserving of efforts & activities necessary to put your life in balance & change your relationship with food.

You can expect that if you're in the program that you'll be confronted in an ongoing basis by your class leader & fellow classmates when you revert to your denial or delusional approach to the problem. You will be "called on it" when you're caught making excuses or giving rationalizations why it's hard for you to implement the Tools for a Balanced Lifestyle in your own situation.

Remember, everyone in this program is a food addict & we all know the "cons," manipulation & excuses to avoid doing the hard work to change. If you aren't confronted when you're slipping into denial then the rest of the class might be lapsing into denial as well which would not only be dysfunctional & unhealthy but a waste of time for all of you.

So try not to waste the time of your fellow classmate by bringing up issues which are nothing more than excuses to remain in your old status quo.  

2. Magical thinking. You're unwilling to accept that it takes a great deal of work, effort & energy to change your lifestyle & ways you relate to food. You hold onto the delusion that there is a simple, easy one step method to lose weight, have a thin body & have a happy life.

You're unwilling to accept personal responsibility for your own life. You want an external solution to be given you to turn your life with food around. You'll need to be confronted with reality on a regular basis by this program, your class leader & your classmates. When you lapse into magical, fantasy or dreamlike visions you need to be confronted to help you get back into reality.

It's something like the old Williams's After Shave commercial where the guy gets a slap in the face after he puts on the aftershave lotion & he says: "Thanks I needed that." Confrontation to bring you back into reality isn't comfortable & you might find yourself getting angry, upset, embarrassed or feeling shame. But you need to accept that in this program the confrontation given is done so in love & concern for your lifelong well being.

It's better to have a jolt to your system to get you back on track than to be allowed to relapse back into your fantasy & delusions which would result in you doing nothing to change your lifestyle & for you to continue to be unhealthy, unhappy & out of control with food.  

3. Blaming others for your problems. You're unwilling to accept your problems with food are your own responsibility to change. You feel justified in blaming your parents, relatives, old friends, teachers, employers, coworkers & other people in your life for your obesity, being a food addict & compulsive eater.

You aren't willing to look yourself squarely in the eye & say: "Yes, there may have been things done to me the past which resulted in my turning addictively to food, but today as an adult, I must accept personal responsibility for my life & take the steps necessary to turn around my life with food in a healthy way."  

4. Diet oriented. You find it hard to accept that you're powerless over food & believe you can control your relationship with food by simply going on a diet. You're very hesitant to accept the messages of the Tools for a Balanced Lifestyle Program because they don't include dieting.

You've experienced success in diets before & you're skeptical how not going on a diet will result in you losing weight & changing the way you deal with food. You're a "diet junkie" who is only happy or content when you're on a diet.

Dieting has become a way of life for you. You aren't willing to accept the research findings that your yo-yo dieting results in your gaining all of the weight back after you conclude your diet & maybe even gain more. You're unwilling to accept that you need to implement exercise into your life.

You're unwilling to believe that you're seriously "nutritionally illiterate" even though you claim to know more about food than most dieticians & nutritionists do. If you were so literate about nutrition & food then why are or were you overweight?

5. Irresponsibility. You find it hard to keep the focus of your efforts & energy on taking responsibility for your own life. You find it hard to accept that "you" are the reason why you're overweight, obese, unhappy & out of balance in your life.

You find it hard to believe that all of the effort, activity & energy spent on correcting your relationship with food is to be done by you. You're waiting for someone else to do it for you. You're convinced that if you wait long enough someone will come into your life with a message & "cure" which will make it simple, easy & permanent to no longer be a food addict, compulsive eater & foodaholic.  

6. Defensiveness. You're always waiting for something to be said to you which you can pounce on to justify why this program is not for you. You're looking for something to be said which you can justify why this program is a failure & waste of time just like all of your earlier efforts.

You're alert to any innuendo of non acceptance of yourself to justify quitting the program. You aren't happy with the need for confrontation being an integral part of this program. You reason that:

"Since I have a problem, I should be treated with kid gloves."

You find it difficult to accept that because you're a food addict you can't be treated with kid gloves. If you remain in denial of your real problems, you'll never change your life in the process. There are no easy answers in this program which puts you off.

You don't like the fact that dealing with this problem is a lifelong effort. You're put off by the fact that the Balanced Lifestyle effort takes a long time before you can see results. You're put off by the fact that all of the work is yours to do. You're put off by the statement that "The Program only works if you work the program." 

You're holding onto your defenses so that you don't have to come out of denial & get out of your delusional way of living. It would be better for you to be a healthy, happy & energized humble recipient of the messages of this program than for you to remain an unhealthy, unhappy & hopeless foodaholic.

You need confrontation to get you out of your defensiveness & your class leader & fellow classmates need to provide this to you if you are to be "called on it" enough to motivate you to change your lifestyle.  

7. Lying about doing something about your problem with food. You're unwilling to admit to yourself & others that you currently aren't really doing anything to get your life in balance & change your relationship with food. You aren't ready to take the steps necessary yet. You aren't able to be honest with yourself or others about your lack of effort.

The unfortunate thing is your body, low energy level & lack of happiness give you away. It would be better for you to be honest about your lack of effort at this time than to perpetrate lies which only make you feel guilt & shame for saying once you put them out there.

Lying only makes you feel worse about yourself & drives you more to food in an addictive, obsessive or compulsive way.  

Because all food addicts are Troubled Persons, you need to put more effort in healing your self-esteem. You need to work at implementing the Tools for Coping mechanisms for growing in self-love & self-nurturing.

You need to accept the Self-Esteem Seekers Anonymous tenets & 12 Step Program. You need to work at using the ALERT system to get rational about who you really are so that you can grow in self-acceptance, self-approval & self-love.

You need to use the ANGER system to let go of your anger at others & yourself so that you can grow in forgiveness of others & self-forgiveness for what has happened to your body due to your poor relationship with food.

You need to use the CHILD system to grow in self-worth & self-confidence by letting go of shame & guilt, growing in self-forgiveness & overcoming your desire for invisibility. You need to learn to deal with your feelings in a healthier ways by identifying them & then assertively expressing them to get them resolved.

You finally need to use the LET GO system to let go of your need to control others & to let go of your powerlessness over food. You need to grow in a spirituality so that you can hand over your food issues in a healthy way so that you can proceed to take the steps necessary to put your life in balance.  

The behavioral patterns related to food are strong, compulsive, learned patterns which take years to correct. You need to identify them in your life & take the steps necessary to confront yourself when the appear in your behaviors. You'll need the support of others over your lifetime to "call you on it" when you relapse into these unhealthy ways of dealing with food.

Physical changes can cause emotional upsets

The hormones that cause physical changes can also affect your teen’s moods. One teen said “Some days I’m up & other days I’m down. The way I feel doesn’t seem to have much to do with what’s going on around me.

Sometimes these feelings really scare me.” The fact that different parts of the body grow at different rates can also cause teens to feel embarrassed, awkward & scared. Hands & feet, i.e., grow faster than legs & arms. Think how you would feel if your feet grew from their present size to 3 sizes larger in the next 6 months.

Facial features also grow at different rates. A young person who is convinced that his or her nose is too big for his or her face may be correct.

Talking to teens about the effects of physical changes on emotions can sometimes help them cope with their stress. Knowing that different parts of the body grow at different rates may help reassure your teen.

Because teens are growing so rapidly, they need to eat food containing protein & calcium. Yet teens can be finicky eaters & often rely on fast foods high in fats & sugars.

Obesity may become a health problem for some teens. Although active teens may burn off the calories taken in thru their diet, teens who aren’t active may take in more calories than their bodies use. This may lead to obesity.

The best way for teens to control obesity is to increase their activity level. They also need to eat nutritious foods such as lean meat, fish, fruits & vegetables & few foods containing fats & sugars.

It’s normal for teens to gain additional body fat during puberty, yet some girls & boys may become fearful of this change & develop eating disorders. Anorexia, an eating disorder characterized by obsession with weight loss, tends to occur during the teen years or even earlier. Teens with anorexia eat only small amounts of food & may weigh their food, document food intake & count calories.

Teens with anorexia tend to exercise for long periods of time to burn off calories, Bulimia, another eating disorder, also may occur during the teen years.

Bulimia is characterized by eating large amounts of food in a short amount of time, then purging the food by vomiting or taking laxatives. It may be difficult to identify a teen with bulimia because his or her weight may be average. Teens may have both bulimia & anorexia.

In addition to anorexia & bulemia, some teens may develop orthorexia, an obsession with correct eating. Here the teen takes healthy eating to such an extreme that it causes imbalance or ill health.

i.e., they may start to limit fat & then no fat & then no sugar & then nothing with salt & then nothing that isn't organic until very few foods meet the criteria of their perfect diet.

Unlike the bulemics & anorexics who usually try to hide their illness, orthorexics flaunt their eating habits & look down at those who don't meet their standards as being inferior.

So, we all have beliefs about work, life & ourselves that we brought with us from our earlier years. Thru our experiences as well as what people told us, we now look at & embrace life in a certain manner.

Maybe your parents told you you weren't smart enough. Maybe growing up in a large family you didn't feel your opinion mattered.

These beliefs are limiting in that they're still holding you back from moving forward in your life.

On the flip side, maybe your parents made you feel smart & that you could accomplish anything you set your mind to. Or you saw a strong work ethic that's now instilled in you today.

These beliefs are enabling in that they enable you to be your best. The problem arises when you allow past limiting beliefs to guide your present & future decisions. These negative beliefs stay with you & you remain stuck in the past.

You do however have the choice to create new supportive beliefs, leaving the past where it belongs, in the past. Acknowledge that what you were taught you had no control over, but you DO have control over your mind & belief system today.

ACTION STEPS FOR THE WEEK:

1. List past beliefs

What did you grow up believing about work, relationships & yourself? Take some paper out & jot down everything you believe about the above areas of your life. Next to these beliefs write down if they're enabling you or limiting you.

Highlight the beliefs that are still limiting you from completely moving forward in your life. i.e., if the thought "I am unattractive" continues to pop up in your mind, you're unlikely to walk around confident.

This lack of confidence will not allow you to be your best.

2. Create new beliefs

Next to the limiting beliefs write down a more positive belief you'd like to create for yourself. i.e., one of your limiting beliefs is that you're unattractive & unappealing to the opposite sex. Next to that you can write "I'm attractive inside & out, attracting many positive people into my life"

3. Practice makes perfect

Several times a day repeat the positive enabling beliefs you created for yourself. Your thoughts truly become your reality. Focus on the new beliefs until you begin to believe them yourself. The art of stating them to yourself creates a new belief while replacing the old limiting ones.

If you focus on the negatives, you'll continue to attract that to yourself. Bury the old & create some new more uplifting belief.

Leslie Gail is a Certified Coach and owner of New Life Focus coaching. Leslie supports people in achieving personal and professional success without compromising their values. Contact Leslie directly at www.newlifefocus.com or call (866) 779-0731 for a FREE coaching consult.