How does thought stopping work?

What are some thought stopping techniques?

Thought Replacement: when an unwanted thought enters, immediately replace the thought with a healthy, rational one.

Yelling 'Stop'': on thinking the unwanted thought, immediately yell STOP. The yell can be out loud or only in the mind. Continue to yell STOP until the unwanted thought ceases.

Substituting a Healthy Thought Pattern: if you have a tendency to think irrationally due to irrational beliefs, you can develop a rational pattern of thinking by challenging every thought that comes to mind, asking: Is this a rational thought? If not, what is irrational about it? What would be a rational replacement for this thought?

Replacement Visual Image: if you have a tendency to visualize negative images, replace these negative images by positive, healthy images.

Aversive Replacements: if you have a tendency to think of an unhealthy behavior in an acceptable manner, immediately replace these acceptable images with more honest images, i.e., thoughts of alcohol, drugs, junk foods can be replaced by the words "poison,'' "unhealthy,'' "disgusting,'' "barf'' or "killers.'' Thoughts of cigarettes can be replaced by "cancer sticks'' or "coffin nails.''

Irrational thinking which blocks you from letting thought stopping work for you

• It's OK if I just think about it & do nothing about it.

• What's the harm of thinking about it?

• People will never know if I just think about it for a little while.

• I've denied myself so much, why can't I just think about it once in a while?

• You can't condemn me for thinking.

• I never thought about it before I acted so why should I avoid thinking about it now?

• It is too much of a battle to fight these thoughts. It's easier to give in & then start over again in the morning.

• What difference does it make if I think about it?

• It seems so silly to control my mind from having thoughts about it.

• This feels like brainwashing & I think brainwashing is bad.

• I don't have time to do this.

• I don't need this in order to be successful in achieving recovery.

• This is another far-out psychological gimmick-too stupid to try.

Directions for thought stopping

Obsession / Obsessive Thinking Part 1

By Robert Burney

"We were taught to approach life from a perspective of fear, survival, lack & scarcity. . . . . . We were taught that life is about destinations & that when we get to point x - be it marriage or college degree or fame & fortune or whatever - we'll live happily ever after.

We are Spiritual Beings having a human experience.  We are here to learn.  We are here to go thru this process that is life.  We are here to feel these feelings.

Worry - which is negative fantasizing - is a reaction to fear of the unknown which creates more fear, which creates more worry, which creates more fear, etc.  This fear isn't a normal human fear of the unknown.  It's codependent fear: 

a distorted, magnified, virulent, mutated species of fear caused by the poisonous combination of a false belief that being human is shameful with a polarized (black & white, right & wrong) perspective of life. 

This self perpetuating, self destructive type of obsessive thinking feeds not only on fear, but on shaming ourselves for feeling the fear. 

The disease of codependency is a dysfunctional emotional defense system adapted by our egos to help us survive. The polarized perspective of life we were programmed w/in early childhood, causes us to be afraid of making a mistake, of doing life "wrong." 

At the core of our being,we feel unlovable & unworthy - because our parents felt unlovable & unworthy - & we spend great amounts of energy trying to keep our shameful defectiveness a secret. 

We feel that, if we were perfect like we "should" be, we would not feel fear & confusion & would have reached "happily ever after" by now.  So, we shame ourselves for feeling fear, which adds gasoline to the inferno of fear that's driving us. 

The shame & fear that drive obsession becomes so painful & 'crazy making' that at some point we have to find some way to shut down our minds for a little while - drugs or alcohol or food or sleep or television, etc. 

It's a very dysfunctional & sad, way to relate to life.  The fear we are empowering is about the future - the shame is about the past.  We aren't capable of being in the now & enjoying life because we're caught up in trauma melodramas about things which haven't yet happened - or wallowing in orgies of self recrimination about the past, which can't be changed. 

Codependents don't really live life - we endure, we survive, we persevere. 

Obsessive thinking & compulsive behavior is caused by & fed by, fear & shame.  The feeling that the world will come to an end if ____ doesn't happen, or that it has come to an end because ____ happened, is a feeling coming from the wounded inner child. 

It's the result of early childhood emotional trauma - & the subconscious programming adapted by our egos to help us survive at a time when we were helpless & powerless. 

An adult isn't helpless & powerless.  We are, however, powerless to know that, as long as we're unconsciously reacting to repressed emotional energy & subconscious programming.  It's impossible to see our self or life clearly when we're caught up in trauma dramas (internally & externally) that feel life threatening. 

In our codependency, we're in denial of our emotions at the same time we're allowing the feelings of the wounded child within to define & dictate our lives.

Getting into recovery from codependency, starting to learn how to do the inner child work, will help a person take power away from the fear & shame that drives the disease - that causes the obsessive thinking. 

Learning to be compassionate in our relationship w/our self - by not shaming ourselves for being wounded human beings - will help us to take power away from the obsessive thinking. 

Starting to choose to believe that there's a benevolent Force in the Universe, a loving Higher Power, will facilitate taking power away from the fear of the unknown. 

Love is the answer to obsession - but not the love of another person.  Learning to be loving to our self - & remembering that there is a loving Higher Power, is the best way I have ever found to stop obsessive thinking.

Some notes of clarification from Robert Burney: (These notes were part of the article when it was originally published.)

I learned a lot about the wounding process of codependency by studying cases of people w/multiple personality disorder.  Anyone raised in an emotionally dishonest, dysfunctional culture had their relationship w/themselves - their psyche - shattered & fractured into multiple disjointed segments in childhood. 

People w/multiple personality / Dissociative Identity Disorder were pushed farther than the rest of us.  The recovery process for the normal form of codependency & the more extreme multiple personality variety both require reclaiming & integrating these different parts of self into a functional internal structure that allows us to put a mature adult in charge of our internal dynamics instead of the wounded inner children or the critical parent / disease programming.

In relationship to obsessive thinking, the manifestation of codependency that's the extreme, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD, which involves such things as: washing hands repeatedly;  or returning to the apartment multiple times to make sure the stove is turned off;  etc.) will probably require medication to bring the disorder under control enough to be able to focus on recovery. 

Like other conditions/diseases that are fueled by the reactive condition of codependency & that involve a genetic predisposition &/or compulsively self destructive behavior (alcoholism, some eating disorders, extreme forms of relationship or sexual addiction, etc.), it's sometimes necessary to bring the symptoms under control before the cause can be addressed - but addressing the cause is vital in making possible significant, long term changes in the symptomatic behavioral disorders.

Traditional Western medical science has ignored & discounted the spiritual & emotional components of being.  The traditional medical perspective in relationship to any physically or psychologically manifested disease is limited by a left brain (concrete, rational) intellectual paradigm which is entirely focused on that which can be seen, measured, quantified. 

Therefore, any spiritual, emotional & mental disease is seen as resulting from biochemical, physiological, physical conditions.  Doctors (which includes psychiatrists of course) - & other traditional medical & mental health professionals - were trained to identify mental & emotional problems as biological & to see the solution as chemical.

There are certainly neurobiological aspects to any behavioral manifestation, but it isn't possible for a scientific perspective which requires empirical proof to truly ascertain the cause of any condition - because emotional & spiritual components of a human's being can not be quantified. 

In other words, brain chemistry is definitely out of balance in relationship to any physical disorder or mental condition - including OCD, Bi-Polar Disorder, Depression, etc.  That imbalance in brain chemistry definitely has an impact on emotions - but it isn't possible to say absolutely which is the cause & which is the effect. 

The chicken & egg conundrum.  In other words, did the emotional trauma & the fear & shame based relationship to life cause the chemical imbalance in the brain - or did the chemical imbalance come first? 

Traditional Western medicine isn't holistic - it doesn't treat the whole being, it treats symptoms.  Medication is necessary for some people.  It's an invaluable temporary help for others.  It isn't the whole answer.  The great majority of doctors are limited by their training, the intellectual paradigm which determines their perspective, to believing that they do know the answers.

In my belief & experience, a person's relationship to any disease can be improved by the adaptation & integration of a Loving Spiritual belief system.

It's vital to change our relationship w/our own emotions in order to take power away from the distorted, magnified, virulent, mutated variety of fear that drives obsession so that we can stop the compulsive behavior that is driven by repressed emotional energy.  And the underlying reason that fear is given so much power is the shame about being human that is at the foundation of our relationship w/self.

Taking power away from the shame so that we can take power away from the fear is greatly facilitated by becoming involved in a 12 step Spiritual recovery program in order to develop some kind of benevolent spiritual relationship with life.

Here is a quote from an article on my web site about spirituality.

"My own personal Spiritual belief system is one form of spirituality.  It is certainly not the only one.  Mine works for me very well in helping me to have a relationship with life that allows me to be happier today.  It is not necessary for you to accept my belief system in order for you to use the tools, techniques & perspectives that I have developed for emotional healing / codependence recovery / inner child integration.

For the purposes of this discussion of spiritual integration, I would now define what I refer to as a Spiritual Awakening in the quote above, as:  being open to a larger perspective - awakening from being trapped in a limiting perspective.  In this regard, spiritual would be a qualifier, an adjective, that describes the quality of one's relationship with life.

This adjective, spiritual, would be (in my definition) a word describing an expanded level of consciousness.  A level of consciousness, of awareness, that is expansive & inclusive & facilitates personal growth - as opposed to limited, exclusive, rigid & inhibiting growth,  development & alternative view points.

By this definition, any religion that claims to be the chosen one, that excludes alternative perspectives or certain people, isn't spiritual." - The Recovery Process for inner child healing - spiritual integration

So, basically what I'm saying, is that codependency (which includes an addictive, toxic, abusive concept of love) is the problem & Love is the solution.  Any belief system that empowers separation, fear & shame is codependent in my definition - not spiritual.  There's a saying I like:

"Religion is for people who are scared of hell, Spirituality is for people who've been there." 

It's possible to be spiritual without being religious & possible to connect spiritually within a religion - but some religion as it is practiced isn't at all spiritual.

Recovery is a process of learning to stop living in the hell that the illusion of separation - which empowers fear & shame - created & start living life based upon remembering that we're connected to everyone & everything in Love

Obsession / Obsessive Thinking Part 2

By Robert Burney

""I spent most of my life doing the Serenity prayer backwards, that is, trying to change the external things over which I had no control - other people & life events mostly - & taking no responsibility (except shaming & blaming myself) for my own internal process - over which I can have some degree of control. 

Having some control isn't a bad thing; trying to control something or somebody over which I have no control is what is dysfunctional. It was very important for me to start learning how to recognize the boundaries of where I ended & other people began & to start realizing that I can have some control over my internal process in ways that aren't shaming & judgmental - that I can stop being the victim of myself."

(All quotes in this color are from Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls)

One of the most ridiculous forms that obsession used to take for me, would involve me actually writing out the script of a conversation w/a woman who was unavailable to me in some way. I'd write pages & pages. I'd say this & then she'd say that & then I'd say, etc., etc. 

This conversation would build to a the climax where I'd say just the right words & suddenly she'd understand. She'd see the light & rush into my arms in overwhelming gratitude as she awakened to how good I was for her & how much I loved her. And then we'd live happily ever after.

The trouble was, she never had the same script I did.

Looking back, it's both silly & sad to remember the amount of time & energy I'd put into figuring out just the right words to say to get the other person to see how much she needed me.

Obsessive thinking for me was always about trying to fill the hole within. I'd focus on a person or the outcome of a situation as the thing that would fix me. Or I'd obsess about getting the substance that I needed to temporarily fill the hole within until I got the person or outcome that I thought I needed.

The delusion was that once I got the relationship, or the money, or the job, or whatever, then I could really start to live. That person or outcome was the missing ingredient in my life that would make me happy & whole - that would fix me. 

All codependents have some obsessive tendencies.  Some of the flavors of obsessive thinking are:  the alcoholic who starts thinking about where he/she is going for a drink after work, while eating breakfast;  the drug addict who starts feeling some panic when the prescription bottle or the baggy is almost empty & starts urgently focusing on replenishing the supply;  the person whose relationship has ended who focuses on the good times & ignores the bad, or who focuses on what an awful villain the other person is - & keeps trying to find allies to support that view by telling horror stories to friends (who will then be baffled & confused when the person jumps at the chance to go back into the relationship);  the person who is always focused on eating, or dieting;  the person who is constantly thinking about money, or the lack of it & projecting fantasies of grandiose jackpots or homeless ruination;  the person who obsessively cleans house because their fear of the unknown drives them to focus on that which they can control;  etc., etc.

Someone told me as some point in my recovery, that what I focused my mind on was what I was worshiping. I didn't want to hear that, but I came to see that there was Truth in it.

Obsessive thinking is about focusing externally in order to escape from our self, from the fear & shame we feel at the core of our being.  When we obsess on another person, thing, or outcome of a situation as our savior, as the magical ingredient that is going to fix us, as the prince / princess / success that's going to get us to "happily ever after," we're making that external source our higher power, our god. 

The opposite extreme is, of course,***when we focus on either our self, or another person, thing, or situation as the villain who has destroyed our lives.***

To paraphrase something I said in my March article here - Letting Go of unavailable people  - what's so important, is to stop focusing on an external source as the cause of, or solution to, our problems.  It is vital to start focusing on what we do have some control over instead of things which we can't control.

One of the most powerful tools in my recovery from the beginning has been The Serenity Prayer. The Serenity Prayer is a very simple formula, a template, for how to live life in a way that works. Accept the things I cannot change - change the things I can. 

Focusing my time & energy on trying to change another person, or on controlling the outcome of a situation is a dysfunctional way to live ife because it isn't really living. Living happens in the moment - not in the future or the past. 

One of the most important things I learned to do to counteract obsessive thinking was to pull myself back into the moment.  Take some deep breaths & get into my body in the moment. Look around me & see where I am & what's happening now. And then take some action.

I can't force myself to stop obsessing. Shaming myself, "should"ing on myself, threatening myself, will not stop me from obsessing. It's not possible to stop obsessing by obsessing about the obsession.

It was very valuable for me in recovery to realize that I can't force myself out of an emotional place - I can't force my process. I learned that I needed to accept where ever I was emotionally - no matter how uncomfortable. Once I accept where I am at, then I can take some action that will be helpful in moving me to a different emotional place.

One of the things I have control over, that I have the power to change, is what I'm doing in the moment. I have the power to force myself to take an action. Not because I "should" - because it's the kind thing to do for me.

Allowing myself to be in my head wallowing in the agony of the trauma drama that is obsession isn't a kind thing to do for myself.  Getting up & getting in motion is a good thing.

I take the deep breaths to get into the moment. I look around & see that the sink is full of dirty dishes. So I do the dishes. Then as I'm drying my hands I look around & notice what a beautiful day it is outside. So, I go out & take a walk.

It was vital for me to learn to take action in alignment w/my recovery.  Working the 3rd step in the 12 step program - "Made a decision to turn my will & life over to the care" of a Higher Power as I understand him / her / it - is a step of action. It isn't enough to have faith - we need to take action based upon that belief.

What if I feel that life hasn't been fair to me?

Deficit Motivation vs Abundance Motivation:

Have I received enough?

Do you sometimes feel cheated by life or by another person? Do you ever think about how much more fortunate other people are than you?

Do you wonder why they have more money, better opportunities, better parents, a more beautiful body, or more talents?

Does life seem unfair?

Do you ever feel that no one really cares about you? Do you ever resent others who have what you feel you deserve?

What if they didn't earn it & you did?

How do you feel when you get these thoughts? Hurt? Sad? Angry? These aren't happy feelings.

These emotions are caused by the belief that you have received less than your expectation level (or that you'll receive less than what you expect). You may believe that you have received less than you deserve or less than is fair. You may believe that you actually do have less than you deserve & have rightfully earned. Perhaps most people would agree w/you.

Deficit motivation. Deficit motivation is believing that we have received less than we expect, minimally need to be happy, or deserve. It's believing that we're always working just to get to that state of meeting our minimum expectation, "being even," or getting what we are owed. Deficit motivation is feeling like we are in a deep hole & are just trying to climb out.

Deficit motivation is being in debt & just trying to pay off all we owe. We feel resentment & feel like a victim. We could react by being aggressive toward others "to get what we deserve." On the other hand, we might withdraw, give up & feel sorry for ourselves. The result of giving up is apathy & depression.

Abundance motivation. Abundance motivation is believing that we have more than we minimally need or expect. If we think we have more than we minimally need or expect, then we feel grateful (& happy). We appreciate what we have - to get more is a bonus. We will feel minimal resentment & can focus on getting more because we want it - not because we are owed it or deserve it.

If we really do have a lot compared to other people, it may seem easy to feel abundance motivation. However, people's perception of their deficit or abundance often has little relationship to their actual abundance. Remember how the POW saved his meager rations of rice & shared his "abundance" w/his guests (guards).(click here to read the story on the acceptance page) Remember how grateful Genevieve was for her year in the body cast. (click here to read the story on the acceptance page) Their abundance came from a spiritual abundance -not a material one.

I'm also reminded of a dentist friend who flew to Mexico on weekends. He gave free dental work to the poor in rural villages. He was amazed at how happy the children were compared to children in the U. S. - despite their extreme poverty. The children of the villages seemed happier w/their makeshift toys of sticks & stones than many of the children he knew - who had every toy invented. When he brought in a load of used toys to these children for Christmas, they went wild. They appreciated these used toys much more than the children he knew appreciated new toys.

Why do the children who receive so much less appreciate so much more? The American children thought that they "deserved" expensive gifts of their exact choosing. The key to the puzzle isn't how much they actually receive, but how much they expect to receive.

Setting high minimum expectations creates deficit motivation. A professional I know began graduate school at a time when people in her occupation were in great demand & were starting at high salaries. Companies were making attractive offers right & left. She developed the expectation that if she were to complete graduate school, a great, high-paying job would await her upon graduation.

She was divorced & had children. She worked long hours, took care of her children & attended school for many years before she completed her goal. It was as if she thought she had a contract w/God or Society that if she were to sacrifice so much, then she should earn a great job w/high pay.

But when she completed school, the job market had radically changed. People were being laid off in her field & jobs were hard to get. Nevertheless, she was very competent & got a good job - a job many others would have been happy to get. Yet, for years she felt a deep resentment about her pay & her job.

For years she still felt "cheated" by God, society, fate, or someone. Her resentment affected her in many ways. At work she felt that she wasn't getting what she deserved. Her house, her car & her lifestyle were less than they "should" be. She felt like a victim of "the Economy" or something. Eventually, she learned that she was just making herself unhappy.

She decided to rethink her original expectations & "contract." She realized that no one had ever really promised her that she would get the job she had imagined. My friend realized that she had created that expectation and accepted her responsibility for overestimating the future job prospects.

She accepted the reality of the situation & finally realized that she could be happy on a lot less than her current job. She reset her minimum expectations to a level that was significantly below her current job. After a serious job search, she decided that she would rather stay where she was. After all those years, it was the first time she ever felt grateful for her job & her life.

Entitlement thinking vs appreciation for life's gifts. When we read the papers, watch the news, or listen to politicians, we often hear that we are "entitled" to certain things. We believe all children in our country are entitled to good health care, a good education & good parenting.

We may believe that we are entitled to live in a city w/good streets, fire & police protection, good parks & low pollution. We may also believe that we're entitled to live in a house w/good plumbing, electricity, a telephone, TV & other conveniences.

Where did these entitlements or rights come from? Who promised us these things in life? Did God give them to us? Did the government give them to us? "Entitlement" or "rights" are just ideas that exist in our heads. Many politicians, TV & newspaper reporters, parents & others believe we have these rights. It's natural for parents to want their children to "have the best." But often the idea transmitted to the children is that they have a right to have the best.

Often associated w/beliefs about rights & entitlements is the assumption that people can't be healthy or happy w/out these minimum entitlements. Yet 200 years ago even the wealthiest people somehow managed to survive w/out cars, TVs, dinner at Luigi's, CD players, telephones, or even electricity & indoor plumbing. Today, even people living "below the poverty line" have many of these conveniences.

We believe that we must have these basic "necessities" to be happy.

Yet, today, many people in the world don't have these "necessities." The problem w/entitlement thinking is its implications. One negative implication of entitlement thinking is that we aren't strong enough to be happy w/out these necessities.

Another implication is that if we don't receive these entitlements, we are being cheated. These thoughts cause feelings of resentment & self-pity. Entitlement thinking is just another form of deficit thinking.

I strongly support the goal that we all have advantages such as basic health care, education & lots of material possessions. However, I support these goals because I care about people's health & happiness - not because people are entitled to these advantages.

I don't believe these modern advantages are essential to people's happiness.

The alternative to entitlement thinking is appreciative-assertive thinking. Appreciative-assertive thinking is believing in zero entitlement & zero rights. I'm entitled to nothing: I was born into this world naked w/no possessions & given my time in this world by powers beyond myself.

I wasn't entitled to that time nor did I do anything to earn it. Ultimately I can't "deserve" anything, because I would have nothing without having been given my life & my powers.

Therefore, I'm eliminating the ideas of "earning," "deserving," "fairness" & "entitlement" from my basic way of thinking & from my vocabulary as much as is possible. We don't need these entitlement ideas; they just lead to resentment. We can replace them w/ideas like "assertion" & "agreement."

I want to be happy myself & want others to be happy not because we deserve it, but because I want it & I love myself unconditionally. It's because I have chosen to make happiness of self & others my ultimate concern (or top goal). I choose it & I assert it; I don't need to justify it or rationalize it as something I'm entitled to.

Appreciative-assertive thinking is a form of abundance thinking. We start with zero minimal expectations. We may set goals to receive friendship, a good job, money, a nice home, or whatever else that might contribute to our happiness. We can work hard to achieve those goals. Yet there's no guarantee that we will obtain what we seek. Everything we receive is a bonus over our initial naked condition.

President John F. Kennedy recognized the pervasiveness & destructiveness of entitlement thinking when he stated, "Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country." If I accept Kennedy's statement, I shift from being a needy person who must be taken care of by society to a person who is strong enough to take care of myself & has enough left over to give to society. Both society & I benefit from this shift in belief systems.

Deficit motivation is victim motivation; abundance motivation is power motivation.

Ponder the figure of the twins - one with deficit thinking & the other with abundance thinking - & consider the following.

If I view myself as having an abundance to meet my needs, I feel happy, grateful & peaceful. Getting more is fun. In this case the rich get richer.

If I view myself as having a deficit of less than I need, I will feel like a victim - deprived, angry, or depressed. In this case the poor get poorer.

One of my clients came in because all of her previous relationships had ended "in disaster."

Typically, they would begin with an initial period of happiness & fun. As they spent more time together & got closer, she began to feel more dependent on him for "making her happy."

He began to feel pressure to be w/her instead of desire to be with her.

As he felt more trapped & more desire for freedom, she sensed his feelings & feared that he wanted out of the relationship. That in turn only caused her to get more "needy" & demanding for his time & attention - driving him farther & farther away.

She was terrified of being abandoned. As a result, she became possessive & tried to manipulate her partner into being with her every free moment.

She also became jealous of other women. Her current relationship was "on the rocks" & looked as if it might end like the rest had. She was feeling very upset about its possible end & confused about why this kept happening to her.

We explored the problem more. She thought that everyone who had loved her had abandoned her. Her father, to whom she'd been very attached, had left her at an early age.

She'd never felt close to her mother, who had resented taking care of her. Since she had been abandoned by everyone, she secretly believed that it was at least partly because something was severely wrong with her. (example of a false belief!) 

She'd tried everything to become more appealing & attractive. In many ways she'd succeeded. Yet men continued to leave her. Their leaving only heightened her worry, "Something is deeply wrong with my personality."

"All of my life I have wanted to find a man who would love me & never leave me." That was a key part of her problem. Where was she to find such a man?

The problem started as a little girl. She developed the belief that to be happy she must have someone to love her & take care of her forever. Possibly because her father left her, this "must" became a top priority goal in her life - possibly even her "ultimate concern."

The reality was that she had no close, affectionate, long-lasting relationships with anyone. So there was a huge gap between her "must have" expectation & her reality.

This gap created a powerful deficit motivation. She felt "cheated" & a "victim" of others - especially men, because "No matter how hard I try to please them & make the relationship work, they always leave me. Men are 'flakes.'"

That was her point of view. Part of the problem was that she expected too much of men. No man would love her & stay w/her "unconditionally." Almost any man would leave if he became too unhappy in the relationship.

It wasn't that all men were "flakes." Her fear of their leaving actually drove them away. She was so terrified of their leaving that she became possessive & manipulative. Her partners wouldn't tolerate this behavior for long.

In order to keep from being so possessive, needy & manipulative, she had to greatly reduce her fear of being abandoned & being alone. She would have to feel calm when she imagined men leaving her.

Once I explained my hypothesis to her, she acknowledged that she had been afraid that something like this was going on, but she hadn't understood it so clearly.

We worked on eliminating deficit thinking & developing abundance thinking. First, she needed to lower her expectations. She needed to question her old assumptions that to be happy, she must have a man love & take care of her.

She needed to accept her worst fear that she could be alone indefinitely. No matter how good a relationship she had, her partner could always leave or die. There was no absolute security that she wouldn't be alone. No one owed her their time. That type of thinking only leads to deficit thinking, hurt & deep resentment. Instead, she needed to have "zero expectations" that a man would love her & take care of her.

How could she learn to accept & to be calm about being alone?

She could learn that she can take care of herself & make herself happy - especially during periods when she's alone. Expecting someone else to "make her happy" was unrealistic. Learning how to enjoy life living alone takes some skill & time. However, just believing in the possibility calmed her.

She also gave up her deficit thinking assumption that she & her partner should be together all of the time. She chose the "zero expectation" that, "I don't automatically assume any togetherness. Any time together is a bonus for which I'm grateful."

Consequently, she no longer needed to possess her partner & she no longer needed to manipulate him into being w/her. Her new approach delighted her partner & their relationship improved dramatically. More important, she was overcoming this long-term abandonment issue & she was overcoming her fear of being alone. Her self-esteem was rising & she was feeling much happier.

Summary: Deficit thinking has many negative consequences. When we choose to continue believing that we have less than we "deserve" or "must" have, then we choose deficit motivation. The consequences of deficit thinking are feeling hurt or resentful. We may view ourselves as "victims."

Deficit thinking can even create paranoid type thinking: thinking that other people are actively trying to prevent us from getting what we deserve - when they're not. Negative assumptions about others often lead to either withdrawal from relationships or open anger & conflict.

Deficit thinking may focus more on "who is to blame" than on important issues. In addition, we may give ourselves negative messages that we are too weak to cope wi/he situation. We're too weak to make ourselves happy if we don't get what we're "entitled" to. These messages lower self-esteem.

Abundance thinking creates positive motivation. Abundance thinking starts w/having no assumptions about what we'll receive in life. We develop zero expectations about what we'll receive. We make zero assumptions about what anyone will give us. "Anyone" means God, nature, society, parents, peers, or any loved one. Everything we get is a gift. We receive the gift because the giver presented it to us, not because we "deserved" it.

What are the implications of abundance motivation in everyday situations? If I develop a disease & become disabled so that I can't work, no one (including society) "owes" me anything.

Lack of obligation doesn't mean that we can't choose to care for each other's welfare & happiness. If we care for our own & others' welfare, we will choose as a society to adopt social policies beneficial to all. i.e., society can adopt a kind of social insurance, so that it'll help people who are physically unable to earn an income. In that way we can all feel more secure about our fears that if we become disabled we'll have an income.

We develop a social policy because we choose to, not because society inherently "owes" it to anyone. Society develops a contract with its members. Social security works that way.

Let's apply abundance thinking to the example of a contract. If I contract w/someone to provide a service, I expect to be paid after I do my job. However, I'm not naive. Many events could prevent payment. Thus, overly expecting that the other person will keep his or her end of the bargain isn't only foolish, but it can also cause a great deal of wasted emotion. It's better to hope for the best, but keep an open mind.

Suppose the other person is a crook & never intended to pay. Focusing on my deprivation, moralizing, blaming, working myself into a frenzy about being cheated & developing a deep resentment only create anger inside me. I don't need anger to take action. The excess anger doesn't hurt the other person or balance the scales, it only takes away from my own happiness.

I can still choose to take action to receive payment or restitution, because I still want to receive the money & I don't want to encourage the other person to cheat more people. But there's no need to get in a stew about it - that only hurts me. Being cheated only hurts me if it undermines my happiness.

My abundance comes not from the amount of money I have in the bank, but from the amount of happiness I have in my life. If being "cheated" doesn't seriously undermine my being a happy person, then it hasn't done me too much harm.

Even if the cheating harms me in some real ways, I'll be happier if I accept the new situation & move on. I can pick up the pieces & set new goals given the new reality. Abundance thinking keeps me in control of my emotions & gives me positive motivation for maximizing my positive actions to accomplish realistic goals.

Abundance thinking is better illustrated by this true story. A friend, George, was close to his eldest son. He & his son had dreamed for years that his son would complete medical school & then go into private practice w/George.

His son struggled to get accepted into medical school; then he struggled thru it. Just after graduation, father & son finally began their practice together. A few months later a drunk driver ran a light & killed his son.

At first, George was devastated. But I received a copy of a poem George sent to friends & family a few weeks later. The poem expressed no anger, instead it expressed George's gratitude for the time his son had walked the earth & for the joy that his son had brought into George's life & the lives of others. That's abundance thinking!

To create abundance thinking. If you want to choose abundance thinking over deficit thinking, try the following:

1. Create "zero expectations" of what you will receive. Abundance thinking means creating "zero expectations." Don't automatically assume that you'll receive anything. Instead you'll be mentally prepared for the worst possible case.

Think positively about your chances of receiving what you want, but that's quite different from assuming that you'll get what you want.

Don't assume that you:

• "must have..."
• "should have..." 
• ultimately "deserve" anything

You don't assume that God, nature, society, or any other source has established absolute rules for what you "should receive."

2. Use appreciate-assertive thinking. Replace all of the phrases like "should have" or "must have" with the phrase "I want." Assert that you want something based upon your choice of your ultimate concern for happiness for yourself & others.

That assertion is sufficient reason for wanting it. You don't need to justify it from any other moral code or set of "shoulds." Nor is there any moral code or set of "shoulds" that indicates you "deserve" to have it.

Everything you receive in life is ultimately a gift. You'd have nothing without the gift of life, the gift of your environment & the gift of your abilities.

Once you view the situation this way, everything good in life becomes a bonus: a gift you didn't get because you deserved it, but a gift that you're grateful for.

3. Take responsibility for your own happiness. Foster abundance thinking by assuming that you're responsible for your own happiness & that no one else is.

Developing your interests, knowledge & skills in areas that help you take better care of yourself & make yourself happy. Know that even when you're poor in some area(s) of life, you can still find routes to happiness like Genevieve (in the body cast), the POW & Victor Frankl have done.

4. Focus on positive "wants" & goals. Give up trying to justify what you want with "shoulds" & give up expecting other people to meet your needs for you.

Then you're free to focus on what you want & take responsibility for getting it yourself. In abundance thinking you start with the assumption that you can be happy with what you have.

However, you're free to want more & to keep setting challenging goals to receive more. If you meet the goals, it's a bonus to the happiness you already have. If you don't, that's okay because you can be happy with what you have.

Practice: Compare your own deficit thinking with abundance thinking.

(1) Think of an area where you feel abundance thinking.

(2) Compare that abundance area thinking to any area where you experience deficit thinking. (If you're having trouble thinking of one, think of an area where you feel that you "are in a hole" or have less than you "deserve." It could be that you feel that you received less than you "should" from your parents, education, peers, work opportunities, or almost anything.)

(3) Use the self-exploration technique to explore your feelings, images, thoughts, underlying beliefs & history of this deficit thinking. Then try to replace your deficit thinking with abundance thinking.

Hope for the best, be prepared for the worst,
expect something between & be grateful for all that you receive.