Expectations....how does one assess whether or not their expectations are valid even in the face of them not being realized over and over again?

If something that we would have wanted or felt cared about as the result of was expected and not received does that mean that we expect too much?

How do we align our expectations of ourselves with others and our expectations of others with ourselves?

Often, in childhood we were taught that to expect anything was not right, wasn't fair and was unacceptable.

It takes a very strong belief in oneself to continue to expect what often never comes, with an unyielding validation of the worth of your expectation anyway.....

Whether or not expectations are met by others I truly believe that each of us has the right to expect as we do, regardless.

There is joy in met expectations and sorrow in unmet expectations... the most important aspect of this is, I guess, what one chooses to do with any unmet expectations that one may find themselves with.

Expect the best, prepare for the worst. Expect to be understood but don't be surprised when often you're misunderstood.

The only aspect of our expectations that we have control over is that we strive to meet our own expectations for ourselves and in our own lives first and foremost.

Expectation is hope unleashed, faith and trust extended...

Often we expect to receive what it is that we've chosen to give. When you choose to give realistically gauging any expected response may not prove to be anything but painful.

A.J. Mahari

Are You Expecting?

Dear Friend:

Don't let the title of this special report throw you off. This report isn't about the subject of pregnancy!

Whether you're a male or a female, the question "Are You Expecting?" applies to everyone. As you may have already guessed, the answer is...

Yes, You Are!

We human beings are always "expecting." In other words, we're always having expectations. Lots of expectations. Some we're consciously aware of. Many others, we are not.

Expectations are always there, however, in the background of our daily experiences. Whether we're attuned to them or whether we're oblivious to them - which too often is the case - our expectations come into play in a multitude of subtle ways.

A Major Source Of Human stress

Why focus on expectations? The main reason is that expectations are a common source of stress in our lives. They frequently create all sorts of mischief, including emotional distress, relationship conflicts, communication breakdowns, misunderstandings, distrust and a wide range of other common problems.

Expectations produce stress in 2 main ways.

One is that they are frequently untrue or unrealistic.

The other is that most of the time, we're completely unaware of them.

Individual expectations aren't very complicated. They often consist of simple ideas such as "life should be fair," "people should be honest," etc. It's the fact they're hidden from our view that gives them so much power over us.

When we consciously or unconsciously harbor expectations that are much too high, we set ourselves up for failure. As a result, we end up feeling frustrated, angry and personally demoralized.

On the other hand, when our expectations about ourselves, about life, or about others are too low, we experience decreased self-expression, underachievement, depression, resignation and diminished self-esteem.

When you become consciously aware of your hidden expectations, however, this can free you from being dominated by them. You can look at a specific expectation such as "Life should always be fair" and ask yourself "is this really true?"

When you pause to think about this question for a moment, you'll often see things in a much more accurate light.

Of course life isn't fair. Tornados aren't fair. Street muggings aren't fair. Death isn't fair. Betrayals aren't fair.

The point is, once you become aware of an untrue or unrealistic expectation, YOU gain the power to free yourself from it.

It's Really Just That Simple

It's really just that simple. But "simple" doesn't always mean "easy"-unless, that is, you have the expectation that it does! It's one thing to become aware of your unconscious expectations.

It's quite another to know which ones are realistic and which ones aren't. This takes wisdom, yet most people have far more wisdom than they usually give themselves credit for.

Let's take a look at some common types of stress in our lives to see how frequently expectations are involved:

A. Emotional Distress

Many of our moods and emotions are intimately tied to our expectations. If you frequently expect bad things will happen, you'll probably feel demoralized or depressed. If you expect something horrible or dangerous to happen to you, you may feel frightened, anxious or worried.

And when people fail to live up to your expectations about them, you can easily feel annoyed, disappointed, angry, or sad.

Positive, hopeful expectations can lead to positive emotions as well. Optimism, enthusiasm, confidence and contentment are all maintained, in part, by persistent, positive expectations.

Love is a good example of positive, but sometimes unrealistic, expectations. When people fall in love, they're often temporarily overcome by positive, euphoric emotions. This intense positive emotional state often leads people to believe that all is fine and that their future is bright.

When the realities of love, commitment and relationships emerge, however, people are frequently caught off guard. As a result, they tend to suffer and their relationships sooner or later become strained.

B. Relationship conflicts

Expectations play other roles in relationship conflicts as well. Whenever we form a relationship with another person, we almost always have expectations about how both we and that person should think, feel and behave. When these expectations are violated, stress can occur.

Friendships, i.e., are based upon a mutually understood set of expectations. We expect our friends to be loyal, honest and trustworthy. We expect they'll never try to hurt us or harm us intentionally and that they'll always be responsive to us when we're in need.

When people who profess to be our friends don't behave in these ways, we feel angry and betrayed. Perhaps they were never our friends at all. Perhaps they were only out to use us. But our faulty expectations may have caused us to perceive them as being more committed to true friendship than they really were.

Marital Expectations

Marriage is another hotbed for hidden, unrealistic expectations. Most men and women have deep-seated ideas about how each sex should behave in a picture-perfect marriage.

Often these expectations aren't fully conscious, nor are they completely acknowledged and communicated between spouses. When one spouse begins violating the expectations of the other, however, an all too familiar negative spiral of disappointment, retaliation and resentment can ensue.

NOTE: This is why in our book "How To Have A Stress Free Wedding...And Live Happily Ever After," Christina and I devote an entire chapter to helping engaged couples clarify and then communicate their deepest expectations.

We provide each partner with a comprehensive, multi-item "Values, Goals and Expectations Questionnaire" to assist them with this process. We also encourage couples to repeat this exercise every few years, since goals and expectations sometimes change over time.

C. Job Related stress

Much job related stress comes from our lack of expertise in handling our emotions and from our general difficulties forming healthy, positive relationships. In addition, we also possess specific work-related expectations, such as those about our bosses, managers, co-workers and employees.

We similarly have expectations about suppliers, vendors and various service people we depend upon. Throw in expectations about our business partners, customers, the economy, local and national politicians, etc. and you see that the workplace is literally a bottom-less pit, teeming with all sorts of hidden expectations waiting to entrap us.

NOTE: One big unrealistic expectation being revealed in the workplace today is the myth of job security and/or corporate loyalty. Many people are finding out that the sting of losing their job is made worse by harboring old, outdated expectations that their length of service or their loyalty to one company would protect them from unfair treatment.

As we've seen much too often in the corporate world of late, when money becomes tight, people are easily discarded.

D. Public speaking stress

Much of the stress we experience when speaking in front of others comes from hidden expectations that most of us never recognize.

i.e., one good way to become anxious about giving a talk is to want everyone in the audience to like you and approve of what you say. Experienced public speakers know this is rarely an achievable goal.

If you aren't very experienced, however, you can easily fall into this trap.

Perfectionistic Expectations

Perfectionism is another major cause of public speaking stress. Perfectionism is actually a group of related expectations. Primary among them is the goal of giving an absolutely perfect speech. By attempting to accomplish this goal, people will often worry themselves sick trying to practice and rehearse every minor detail of their presentation.

Not only is this a colossal waste of time and emotional energy, but it actually hinders your preparation and makes you more likely to make a mistake. It also tends to deprive you of sleep, which further increases your error tendency and makes you more anxious, nervous and high-strung overall.

I've learned over the years that being a successful public speaker is far more easy than I'd imagined.

Once I discovered some of my "crazy" expectations about public speaking that I'd somehow acquired, it was fairly easy for me to recognize what was wrong with these and replace them with more realistic, appropriate ones.

E. The stress of Raising Children

One of my favorite topics is how parents can reduce the stress of raising children. As the father of an 8 year old, I am happy to report that so far this process has not been terribly stressful for me. Part of the reason for this is that I'm blessed with a talented wife who has done a very good job of mothering. But another part is that I've let go of many expectations I previously had about children in general & my child in particular!

One good way for us parents to get stressed out is to have strong expectations about how our kids should think, feel and behave.

While each of us has ideas about how we would like our children to turn out, the little tykes almost never follow our game plans exactly. Hopefully we can instill healthy values, virtues and morals into them, but beyond that - all bets are off. That's not to say we shouldn't have any expectations for our children at all. Just don't have the hope that most of your expectations will come true. Some, yes. But most, no.

Also watch out for hidden expectations you might have about yourself as a parent, your spouse as a parent, your parents or in-laws as grandparents, your child's teachers and school officials and numerous other people connected with  your child's growth and development.

More often than not, these key people won't live up to our internal expectations. It may sometimes appear to us that these people aren't truly committed to our child's welfare or to the welfare of children in general, but often they are. Only they do things differently than we might expect.

F. Travel stress

Many people fail to realize how their travel expectations can lead to stress. From the very first moment we begin planning a trip, we envision the type of experiences we will have and we almost always conjure up images of great joy and relaxation. Maybe a travel brochure caught our attention with vivid color pictures of the hotel or resort we've selected, a view of spectacular scenery, or a moonlight cruise to some romantic secluded site.

The Realities Of Travel

Unfortunately, the realities of travel often turn out to be much different than our idyllic preconceptions. From the traffic jam on the way to the airport, to the travel agency fouling up our reservations, to having our luggage lost by the airline - "travel reality" is often not quite the same as "traveling in our mind."

Don't forget, we also tend to have well-formed expectations about how our family members or other travel partners should think, feel, and behave while on vacation. These expectations are another hidden source of stress that can fuel both major and minor interpersonal conflicts.

NOTE: Also watch out for expectations about good weather, timely service, good accommodations and the extremely dangerous idea that all will go well just because you want or need a peaceful vacation.

G. Litigation stress

Our legal system tends to create a tremendous amount of stress for many people. Whatever positive expectations you have about lawyers and the system, they're bound to be crushed when you lock horns in a legal battle.

And if you're foolish enough to expect that the legal system will be fair to you, that lawyers have a sworn duty to always fight for justice and uphold the truth, or that the litigation process is designed to result in fair, honorable and just settlements to most disputes, you're going to become angry and suffer major disappointments. Hopefully, the O.J. fiasco cured you of any such naive misconceptions about the legal system which you might have had.

H. Physician stress

These aren't the best of times for the 600,000 or so physicians in America today. While numerous forces are converging in our society to cause physicians increased levels of stress, not the least among these are our own outdated expectations.

Recently, while traveling to Durham, NC, I met up w/ my friend Dr. John-Henry Pfifferling, founder and director of the Society For Professional Well-Being, an organization that works with many physicians and other professionals who're undergoing stress.

Dr. Pfifferling and I had a long discussion about this topic and he shared with me a preliminary draft of an article he was preparing about the current revolution in health care and how it's changing and effecting the medical profession. The following is an excerpt from his opening paragraph, which I'd like to share with you:

"There are physicians who still have expectations of life-time job security, guaranteed income, autonomy and physician-oriented work environments. When traditional expectations clash with changing reality, however, most people feel stressed. Physicians are no exception."

Dr. Pfifferling goes on to explain that the old medical paradigm, which granted physicians control, prestige, specialness and professional autonomy, is now giving way to a new social and economic paradigm, in which physicians are becoming subordinate to the needs of patients, employers and payers - losing their absolute autonomy and experiencing less and less direct personal control.

The reason I share Dr. Pfifferling's thoughts with you is because they again underscore the importance of expectations as subtle - but very real - causes of human stress and suffering. Of course there are many other ways in which expectations lead to stress in physicians and other professional groups, but we don't have space to enumerate them here.

I. Holiday stress

Social and personal expectations are a major source of holiday stress. The holiday season isn't a happy time for everyone. Yet we all tend to feel compelled to look and feel merry during this time.

The mass media and Madison Avenue fuel these expectations. If you're single, alone, or recently divorced or separated, the social pressures at this time of year can be quite stressful. Similarly, we all have expectations of how our friends and family members should behave during the holidays. When these expectations aren't met, stress and interpersonal conflicts can easily arise.

Summary and Conclusions: In summary, I have briefly tried to get across in this report that many different types of expectations, both individual and social, lead to stress in ordinary people.

These expectations are endless in number. The important things to know about them are:

1) they're usually unconscious and therefore hidden from our view

2) they're frequently untrue, unrealistic or otherwise misleading.

Whenever you feel "stressed" in any way, think about your expectations and how they might be contributing to your problems.

Think about expectations you have about yourself.

Think about expectations you have about other people.

Think about expectations you might have about life itself, or about how some particular aspect of life is supposed to work.

And lastly, think about any other types of expectations that might be lurking inside you that pertain to the specific situation you're presently faced with.

The more you learn about your hidden expectations, the more power and control you'll gain in relation to them. Always ask yourself if something might be wrong or incomplete with any specific expectations you discover. Just by asking yourself this very simple question, you can empower yourself to see things in new and hopefully more accurate, ways. The more you're able to do this, the less stress and tension you'll ultimately have.

Wishing you good health, happiness and much success,

Mort Orman, M.D.Copyright ©1995-2002 M.C. Orman, MD, FLP.

Expect the Best

How well do you know yourself? What are the areas in which you expect the best of yourself? If you expect perfection, you’re likely to be disappointed. But you can set realistic expectations by knowing yourself, listening to your own messages & communicating your expectations to others.

Your Expectations of Yourself

Have you ever noticed how people treat you when you’re feeling great about yourself? You have a look & a spirit that others find irresistible. Did you know, if you expect to feel good about yourself, you probably will? No one feels or acts great all the time. We all have our ups & downs & no one is perfect. An honest assessment of who you are may help you set realistic expectations.

Parental Messages

Do you still carry around parental messages of who you should be? Many of us do. Sometimes these messages are negative & can get in the way of our meeting our full potential & being happy w/ who we are.

Try to be honest w/ yourself about whose expectations you’re trying to meet. This can be difficult to do because it’s hard to separate parental messages from our own. But it gets easier w/ practice.

Your Expectations of Others

This type of thinking is particularly common in close relationships, where love is supposed to conquer all. But no matter how much we are loved, if we haven’t told someone what we expect, it’s likely we’ll end up disappointed.

Personal Assessment

Make an inventory of your positive attributes.

• Are you interested in others?

• Are you a good listener?

·      Do you have a sense of humor?

·         Do you try to learn new things?

·         Are you patient?

By knowing your positive features, you can put your best foot forward & expect the best from within yourself!

Grief Expectations

Adapted from Hope for Bereaved by Therese Schoenek, (Syracuse, NY: Hope for Bereaved, 1982). Published in the Newsletter of: The Compassionate Friends of Northern Virginia, July 1996.

There's very little written about expectations in the life of a grieving person. The unrealistic expectations of ourselves & of others can greatly hinder the eventual readjustment for the bereaved. In wishing to "handle it better," we often keep expecting more from ourselves than is possible at this time.

When we don't feel better or act better & yet think we should, we become disappointed in ourselves. We have just expected too much of ourselves.

A timetable for grief may be part of the expectation. We read about stages of grief then panic that we aren't "where we should be."

Family & friends unwittingly place expectations on us.

"It has been 3 weeks, 3 months & you must be better now."

"You must be back to normal."

These expressed or even unexpressed, unrealistic expectations of others become a pressure one the bereaved.

After the shock & denial, the very pain‑filled reality hits. This grief is unbearable heartache & sorrow. Unbearable, yet we have no choice. We must go thru it. Complicating this stage is the fact that most people expect that by now you're recovering, when in reality you aren't.

Talking about your feelings helps. Thinking them out isn't enough, since usually grief feelings can't be intellectualized away or thought away.

A common experience of many grieving people is that the people that we expect to be the most supportive often move away from us just when we need them the most. This bewildering phenomenon can be attributed in part to a general lack of knowledge of what grief is, leading to unrealistic expectations being placed on the bereaved person.

Sometimes it's helpful to communicate about our loss with someone new, since some old friends often just want us to return to our selves again which is unrealistic on their part.

After the holidays or anniversary of the death, grieving people may expect that everything will be much better. It's not helpful to expect the new year to be much better. It may be more helpful to just consider January 1st the day after December 31st.

Without such unrealistic expectations of the New Year, or the day after the anniversary, it may gradually become a time of healing & growth; not because we expected it, but because we didn't have unrealistic expectations. It's important not to have a timetable for grief.

It'll never be the same...

Unrealistically, we hope that things will somehow be the same...

that our life....  our family.... will get back to "normal."

As time goes on, we realize that it'll never be the same. We'll always miss our loved one who has died. At special holidays & family gatherings, there's always one person missing. Some family members & friends assume we're back to normal.

They just don't understand.

Eventually life should get better

At first we're in shock - it's difficult to think clearly - to imagine that we will ever be able to function. When the reality "hits" we usually feel more devastated. It just seems that life will forever be like this.

Some bereaved do stay at this phase. Most, with time & a great deal of effort, do get better. They recognize that life will never be the same, but the people in their lives become more treasured than ever.

Many bereaved grow from their experience of grief - they reach out to others in need.

Eventually, life picks up & goes on. The pain subsides. We can laugh, make plans, work, enjoy things, pray...in other words, become involved in life again. It doesn't happen overnight. It may take years. But we must hold on to hope & keep trying.

From partner to father : The importance of expectations management      Sylvia Brown

The relationship changes

It's undeniable that the arrival of a baby, especially the first, transforms the relationship inside a couple.

3 people now must share love, time & energy; the exclusive nature of the couple's relationship comes to an end. Moral & material responsibilities dominate, lives must be better organized, improvising becomes difficult, if not impossible.

New conflicts can arise on matters that both partners thought resolved, especially regarding values & important decisions such as education & religion.

Today, a further challenge faces parents.

When they become mothers, many women judge their partners according to a new criterion: their ability to be "good fathers."

With her newly-acquired protective instinct, even the most relaxed, easygoing woman will become over-critical if the father doesn't live up to her image of an ideal dad. Yet he's often caught between the weight of tradition & modern expectations.

A woman has the advantage of a progressive preparation for motherhood over the course of 9 months. She carries the child not only in her body, but also in her heart & in her mind. Once the baby is born, she benefits from an extremely intimate relationship.

The father-child relationship, however, is external & more abstract. Once home from the hospital, the baby & its supplies seem to take over the house. He is expected to stand close by the mother-child unit, but can't enter into it; to instinctively take over all the housekeeping & to have a sudden, burning desire to change diapers.

It's hardly surprising then that he feels left out of the magic bubble. He may feel sexually frustrated, clumsy & useless around the baby but not dare admit his feelings.

A new father may feel threatened, now that important decisions seem to be made in terms of their impact on the baby.

He may be jealous of the woman's reproductive powers, which seem to bring her happiness & attention. He may feel a strong burden of responsibility, as well as stronger financial pressures to succeed.

He may feel overwhelmed by his spouse's emotional dependence. He may be frustrated to find that his spouse appears to be perpetually engrossed in the baby & makes no time for him alone.

He may be alarmed by the baby's fragile appearance. Older fathers may be especially worried that the baby will cramp their lifestyle.

To make things worse, some mothers go out of their way to point out their partner's faults & clumsiness in handling the baby, so as to reinforce their role as primary caregiver.

Conversely, some men prefer to delegate all tasks concerning children to the mother (possibly as their father did with their mother) or idealize her maternal abilities as a way of justifying their non-involvement with the child.

None of this need happen if communications remain good within the couple, if the partners feel that they can express their wishes & are attentive to each others' needs.

They aren't mindreaders, after all...

Mothers, remember that your partner can't always guess your needs. Your spouse doesn't instinctively know what to do & may in reality feel lost. Don't become a prisoner of stereotypes.

One major cause of postnatal tensions between partners can be eliminated by avoiding the roles of "father hen" & "perfect mother." Re-establish frank, open communication. Try to respect each other's uncertainties. Ask yourself "how would I react if I were only a spectator & not the main actor?"

What to Expect of Your Teenager

What we see depends mainly on what we look for.

John Lubbock

Middle Adolescence: 14-16 Years

Rapid growth & sexual maturation combine confusingly w/an ever-increasing need to be independent.

• Teens have a strong sense of fairness & they become judgmental if adults or peers don't do what is "fair."

• They deeply need love & acceptance by parents & peers, but they may hide such needs in an effort to be mature.

• Annoying habits, such as refusal to wash, poor manners & untidy dress, are normal ways in which children try to become independent.

• A physical need for extended periods of rest is normal. Sleeping late on weekends may be due to the fact that young people need more rest during this stage than at any time since infancy.

• While few teens will admit it to parents, at this stage, they find security in structure. Explain the reason for each rule & the risks & consequences for breaking it.

Let the teen take responsibility for his or her own appearance, except when it's very important to you, a family wedding, for instance.

Late Adolescence: 17-19 Years

The mature appearance & behavior that marks this period of development may be misleading. Worry about whether they're ready to face the changes of adulthood may cause frustration & depression for teens.

• Most young people have opportunities to experiment w/drugs & alcohol by this stage & parents have little power to prevent such opportunities from arising.

Preparing Adolescents & Young Adults for Marriage: Developing Realistic Expectations for Family Communication

"Our power doesn't lie in our resume or our connections. Our power doesn't lie in what we've done or even in what we're doing.  Our power lies in our clarity about why we're here on the earth. We'll be important players if we think that way.  And the important players of the coming years will be the people who see themselves as here to contribute to the healing of the world.  Everything else is trivial in comparison."

Parents & stepparents tend to assume that children want a close, warm relationship with the stepparent. Biological parents want their children to be happy with their choice of mate & stepparents assume they need to be someone special to the children. Kids say otherwise.

When asked how the stepparent role should be performed, parents & stepparents generally envision the role in similar ways. In one study, close to half of them said the ideal stepparent role should be one of “parent” as opposed to “stepparent” or “friend.”

In contrast, 40% of stepchildren identified “friend” as the ideal role. Far fewer children thought a “parent” role was ideal.¹ “Parents” give hugs & expect obedience to their rules; “friends” offer support & encourage positive values in a child’s life.

Stepparents need to learn to relax into their role & not expect too much of themselves. To expect too much is to set themselves up for disappointment & frustration. Biological parents also need to relax & let stepparents & stepchildren carve out their relationship.

James Bray discovered that most stepchildren in the early years of stepfamily life view the stepparent like a coach or camp counselor.² Such people have limited authority with children & provide instruction, but they aren't “parents.” However, just because your stepchildren don’t give you unsolicited hugs doesn't mean you don’t have a decent relationship.

Having stepchildren who talk to you only when they want something isn't an indication that you're a poor stepparent. It represents where you are today. Relax & trust that the relationship will grow over time.

— Ron Deal
www.successfulstepfamilies.com

Notes

1. Fine, M. (1997, Fall). The Role of the Stepparent: How Similar are the Views of Stepparents, Parents, and Stepchildren? Stepfamilies Quarterly [online]. Available: www.stepfam.org

2. Bray, J. (1998). Stepfamilies: Love, Marriage, and Parenting in the First Decade (New York: Broadway Books).

Adapted from The Smart Stepfamily: Seven Steps to a Healthy Family by Ron L. Deal, Bethany House Publishers, 2002. Used with permission.

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Note: if you want to understand the full meaning of the above information - besides the fact that these are myths believed about step families - click here to visit the website!

Caring for Your Child

(NAPS)-There's no one right way to raise a child. Parenting styles vary. But it is important that all caregivers communicate clear & consistent expectations for each child.

In today's world, some parents are so busy & stressed that nurturing children may sometimes take a back seat to problems that seem more important. However, here are a few suggestions that can help parents provide for children's physical safety & emotional well-being.

• Do your best to provide a safe home & community for your child, as well as nutritious meals, regular health check-ups, immunizations & exercise.

• Be aware of stages in child development so you don't expect too much or too little from your child.

• Encourage your child to express his or her feelings; respect those feelings. Let your child know that everyone experiences pain, fear, anger & anxiety. Try to learn the source of these feelings. Help your child express anger positively, without resorting to violence.

• Promote mutual respect & trust. Keep your voice level down even when you don't agree. Keep communication channels open.

• Listen to your child. Use words &d examples your child can understand. Encourage questions. Express your willingness to talk about any subject.

• Provide comfort & assurance. Be honest. Focus on the positives.

• Look at your own problem-solving & coping skills. Are you setting a good example? Seek help if you are overwhelmed by your child's feelings or behaviors or if you're unable to control your own frustration or anger.

• Encourage your child's talents & accept limitations. Set goals based on the child's abilities & interests, not someone else's expectations. Celebrate accomplishments.

• Don't compare your child's abilities to those of other children; appreciate the uniqueness of your child.

• Spend time regularly with your child.

• Foster your child's independence & self-worth. Help your child deal with life's ups & downs. Show confidence in your child's ability to handle problems & tackle new experiences.

• Discipline constructively, fairly & consistently. (Discipline is a form of teaching, not physical punishment.) All children & families are different; learn what's effective for your child. Show approval for positive behaviors. Help your child learn from his or her mistakes.

• Love unconditionally. Teach the value of apologies, cooperation, patience, forgiveness & consideration for others.

• Don't expect to be perfect; parenting is a difficult job.

This list isn't meant to be complete. Many good books are available in libraries or bookstores that can help you be the parent you want to be.