For success in all areas of life, attitude is much more important than aptitude. People who cultivate consistently positive attitudes expect great things, work hard for those things & are likely to achieve them.

In fact, research by psychologist Martin Seligman of the Univ. of Pennsylvania revealed that optimistic people are happier, healthier & more success than those with a negative outlook on life.

Health -
A new branch of medicine - psychoneuroimmunology - studies the relationship between mental attitude & health. Physicians have found that a positive attitude can result in faster recovery from surgery & burns, more resistance to arthritis & cancer & improved immune function.

Reason: Brain-produced substances - neuropeptides - transmit chemical messages that direct the immune system. When you think positively, these messages are more emphatic. When you're depressed, they tell your body, Why bother?

Success -
When you think positively about yourself, you work harder at what you want to do & give up less easily. You make a better impression on others, which encourages them to help you.

When you think more positively about your colleagues, employees, spouse & children, you build stronger & more productive relationships - leading to greater success at work & at home.

Lesson: If you think you'd be happier with your life if you were more successful, you have things backward.

Developing A Positive Attitude -

A positive attitude doesn't pop into your mind by itself. How you feel is a decision you make every day. If you don’t automatically feel upbeat, look around & find something to feel good about.

Aim: Start out each day in a positive way.

• Use a clock radio that plays music that is soft & pleasant to wake up to. Don’t use a loud alarm clock.
  

• Allow yourself enough time to prepare for the day’s activities at a civilized pace. Don’t get up at the last possible moment.
  

• Think about the positive things you expect to accomplish today. Don’t listen to news of the world’s problems or worry about your own problems while you're dressing.
  

• Eat a healthy breakfast. Don’t drug yourself with coffee or cigarettes.
  

• Discuss your plans for the day w/your partner. Don’t bury your face in the newspaper.
  

• Each day, find some positive feature about your partner & compliment him/her on it.
  

• As you go about your day’s activities, always expect the best.

Obstacles - The common obstacles to developing a positive attitude are the types of negative thinking that distort your evaluation of situations.

Exaggerating - Overestimating problems & underestimating abilities.

Example: I’m always late for meetings.

Replace with: I make it to most meetings on time.

Overgeneralizing -Taking an isolated event & assuming it always happens.

Example: I’m stupid.

Replace with: This time I made a wrong turn, but I usually do get where I’m going easily.

Personalizing - Thinking everything revolves around you.

Example: Everyone noticed that I wore the same dress twice.

Replace with: I like this outfit & I'm properly dressed for the occasion.

Either / Or thinking - Seeing things as mutually exclusive, even when they’re not.

Example: Either I get the promotion or I’m a failure.

Replace with: My performance has been exceptional & I have a good chance of getting promoted. If I don’t get it this time, there will be other opportunities.

Jumping to conclusions - Drawing conclusions from limited information.

Example: I wasn’t assigned the project because I wasn’t at my desk when my manager called.

Replace with: I’ll ask my manager if there’s a way I can help out w/the assignment

Ignoring the positive - Focusing on one negative & forgetting about all the positives.

Example: I didn't make my sales quota last month.

Replace with: I hit my sales goals for 11 of 12 months & I'll hit it again.

Attitude

The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life.

Attitude to me is more important than the past, than education,
than money, than circumstances, than failures, than success, than what other people think, or say, or do.

It's more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill. It'll make or break an organization, a school, a home.

The remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day.

We cannot change our past..
We cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way.
We cannot change the inevitable.
The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have & that's our attitude....

I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me & 90% how I react to it.

And so it is with you....

Setting Yourself Up For Success -
Nothing enhances a positive attitude more than success, so regard success as the normal state of affairs & the lack of success as the exception.

Avoid perfectionism - Very few things are perfect in this world, so try to recognize that falling short of perfection isn't failure.

Helpful approach - Remember that there's no such thing as failure - only outcomes. If your efforts produce an outcome that's less successful that you had hoped, don’t say, I’m a failure. Instead, say, I’ll change what I did wrong & next time I’ll do better.

Focus on the future - You can’t change the past, but if you decide where you want to go in the future, you'll give yourself the best chance of getting there. Always aim high & you too will make it a winning life.

The Attitude of Survival

Written by Chris Conway, Copyright 1999-2005. Original article can be found by clicking here

A wilderness emergency could possibly happen to anyone, anywhere. When confronted with an unexpected survival situation man has the potential to overcome many challenges, beat incredible odds & come out a survivor. But just what is survival anyway? Survival is the art of surviving beyond any event. To survive means to remain alive; to live. Survival is taking any given circumstance, accepting it & trying to improve it, while sustaining your life until you can get out of the situation. And most importantly, survival is a state of mind.

Attitude! When Winning is Everything: The Will to Live
Reprinted with Permission from Coping with Cancer-Published March/April 1999

How often do you use the expression the will to live? Does it have any meaning? Can it prolong your life? Can it bolster your immune system?

In our oncology practice, we can unequivocally affirm that the expression does have meaning & that it can vastly improve the quality of life & may even prolong the life of a cancer survivor. However, it'll be many years before we know the answer to the third question.

As medical professionals, we've always been fascinated by the power of the will to live. Like all creatures in the animal world, human beings have a fierce instinct for survival. The will to live is a force within all of us to fight for survival when our lives are threatened by a disease such as cancer. Yet this force is stronger in some people than in others..

Sometimes the biology of a cancer will dictate the course of events regardless of the patient's attitude & fighting spirit. These events are often beyond our control. But patients w/ positive attitudes are better able to cope with disease-related problems & may respond better to therapy.

Many physicians have seen how 2 patients of similar ages & with  the same diagnosis, degree of illness & treatment program experience vastly different results. One of the few apparent differences was that one patient was pessimistic & the other optimistic.

We've known for over 2,000 years - from the writings of Plato & Galen - that there's a direct correlation between the mind, the body & one's health.

"The cure of many diseases is unknown to physicians,'' Plato concluded, "because they are ignorant of the whole. For the part can never be well unless the whole is well.''

Recently, there's been a shift in health care toward recognizing this wisdom, namely that the psychological & the physical elements of a body aren't separate, isolated & unrelated, but are vitally linked elements of a total system. Health is increasingly being recognized as a balance of many inputs, including physical & environmental factors, emotional & psychological states, nutritional habits & exercise patterns.

Researchers are now experimenting w/methods of actively enlisting the mind in the body's combat with cancer, using techniques such as meditation, biofeedback & visualization (creating in the mind positive images about what's occurring in the body). Some doctors & psychologists now believe that the proper attitude may even have a direct effect on cell function & consequently may be used to arrest, if not cure, cancer.

This new field of scientific study, called psychoneuroimmunology, focuses on the effect that mental & emotional activity has on physical well-being, indicating that patients can play a much larger role in their recovery.

It'll be many years before we know whether it's possible for the mind to control the immune defense system. Experiments w/biofeedback & visualization are helpful in that they encourage positive thinking & provide relaxation, thereby increasing the will to live.

But they can also be damaging if a patient puts all of his or her faith in them & ignores conventional therapy.

Attitude Is Everything

by Francie Baltazar-Schwartz

"One of the greatest powers in the universe is individual power of choice. And the most powerful choices are positive choices." 

 Frederick Mann

"The power in lifeis choice." -- Craig Green

Jerry was the kind of guy you love to hate. He was always in a good mood & always had something positive to say. When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would reply, "If I were any better, I would be twins!"

He was a unique manager because he had several waiters who had followed him around from restaurant to restaurant. The reason the waiters followed Jerry was because of his attitude. He was a natural motivator. If an employee was having a bad day, Jerry was there telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation.

Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up to Jerry & asked him, "I don't get it! You can't be a positive person all of the time. How do you do it?" Jerry replied, "Each morning I wake up & say to myself, Jerry, you have two choices today. You can choose to be in a good mood or you can choose to be in a bad mood.' I choose to be in a good mood. Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or I can choose to learn from it.

I choose to learn from it. Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining or I can point out the positive side of life. I choose the positive side of life."

"Yeah, right, it's not that easy," I protested.

"Yes it is," Jerry said. "Life is all about choices. When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to situations. You choose how people will affect your mood. You choose to be in a good mood or bad mood. The bottom line: It's your choice how you live life."

I reflected on what Jerry said. Soon thereafter, I left the restaurant industry to start my own business. We lost touch, but often thought about him when I made a choice about life instead of reacting to it.

Several years later, I heard that Jerry did something you're never supposed to do in a restaurant business: he left the back door open one morning & was held up at gunpoint by 3 armed robbers.

While trying to open the safe, his hand, shaking from nervousness, slipped off the combination. The robbers panicked & shot him. Luckily, Jerry was found relatively quickly & rushed to the local trauma center.

After 18 hours of surgery & weeks of intensive care, Jerry was released from the hospital with fragments of the bullets still in his body. I saw Jerry about 6 months after the accident. When I asked him how he was, he replied "If I were any better, I'd be twins. Wanna see my scars?"

I declined to see his wounds, but did ask him what had gone thru his mind as the robbery took place. "The first thing that went thru my mind was that I should have locked the back door," Jerry replied. "Then, as I lay on the floor, I remembered that I had two choices: I could choose to live, or I could choose to die. I chose to live.

"Weren't you scared? Did you lose consciousness?" I asked.

Jerry continued, "The paramedics were great. They kept telling me I was going to be fine. But when they wheeled me into the emergency room & I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors & nurses, I got really scared. In their eyes, I read, 'He's a dead man.' I knew I needed to take action."

"What did you do?" I asked.

"Well, there was a big, burly nurse shouting questions at me," said Jerry. "She asked if I was allergic to anything. 'Yes,' I replied.

The doctors & nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply... I took a deep breath & yelled, 'Bullets!' Over their laughter, I told them, 'I am choosing to live. Operate on me as if I'm alive, not dead."

Jerry lived thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of his amazing attitude. I learned from him that every day we have the choice to live fully. Attitude, after all, is everything.

*  *  *  *

By: Michelle Gottlieb, Psy.D., MFT

Have you ever observed a car accident scene & how people respond? One person may be crying. One person may be angry. One person may be quiet. One person may be laughing hysterically. There is no right or wrong way to behave. None of these people are wrong or "bad" for their feelings or reactions. And that is what is important:

There are many different ways to react to situations. However, your particular reaction will make a difference in how you perceive what has happened & what you will do next.

Going back to the car accident, the angry person may become combative & create an atmosphere of tension & unhappiness all around.

On the other hand, the quiet person may be able to check to make sure that no one was hurt, get all the information needed & help create an environment of calm. The exact same situation. The only difference is the attitude & then the behavior that follows from that attitude.

Life's occurrences are largely unpredictable & for the most part, we have no control over what happens. What we do have control over is our attitude & behavior.

You can choose to see everything negative & horrific. Or you can see it as a cosmic joke needing nothing more than a great deal of positive problem-solving & maybe even laughter.

Some attitudes cause heart attacks & strokes. Other attitudes cause healthy levels of your blood pressure. Which attitude will you choose?

Attitude Makeover: Arrogant

Antidote: Humility, Graciousness, Modesty - I'm so cool."

Dear Dr. Borba,
Our 12 year old is pretty bright & always has to let everyone know it. If anybody is wrong, look out: he can be merciless & really insulting about letting them know that he's right & they're wrong. I'm waiting for the day somebody just gets fed up & decks him. Is there any way to stop his know-it-all attitude? He's really turning into an arrogant little snob.

– Josh F., a father of two from Little Rock, Arkansas

He's such a "Know-It-All." "Might as well call her 'Little Miss Smarty Pants.'" "He's such a Little Snot." "What a Smart Aleck!" "She's turning into such a snob."

Could any of these terms describe your kid? If so, beware: no matter what variety of language, they're all labels for the same bad attitude: Arrogance. Warning: the attitude is spreading & even the younger set is affected by the Big Brat Factor these days.

Arrogant kids have somehow acquired the notion that they're better than others & they make sure everyone knows it. Their attitude has one goal: making sure the other guy clearly recognizes the message: "I'm better than you."

And that also implies - at least in her mind - that everyone else is inferior & that includes you. After all, if she's the Know-It-All, then you're the Know Nothing.

We're talking plain arrogance & it's anything but becoming. That's why kids with arrogant attitude are also self-centered, rude, competitive & selfish (not to mention very unpopular with all those poor souls on the receiving end).

When kids are little, we may think it's cute when they volunteer all the answers or have a sarcastic comeback. The mistake is thinking they're clever, funny, or even "beyond their years."

But beware: you're really dealing with the early stages of arrogance. If not put in her place, the young smart aleck can turn into an older arrogant know-it-all.

The simplest cause is that we've mislabeled their smart-aleck attitude as clever or witty: in reality, there's really nothing cute or witty about it in the least. Their snide remarks & quick retorts are often pointed slams at another person or shameless attempts to get attention through laughs & being "cute."

There's another reason kids turn arrogant & that's our fault as well. Our parental pride can take a turn when we begin showing them off by parading their talents.

"Come on, Jenna, everyone wants to hear you sing."

"Have we shown you Harold's latest report card?"

Of course we're proud, but there's a hidden danger in flaunting our kids' talents: they assume that the world revolves solely around them & they're better than others.

There's also the danger that our kids will begin to think they have to keep performing, keep showing off their talents & keep being the clown to gain our love or approval.

Now don't get me wrong: I'm not debating your child's intelligence, beauty, talent, or skills or doubting your pride in your offspring. She could well be a budding Einstein, the next Virginia Woolf, a young Wayne Gretsky, a future Jackie Joyner-Kersee, a potential Itzhak Perlman, or even the next Picasso or Frida Kahlo.

And she may deserve recognition & acknowledgment for her strengths. But this issue isn't about how bright your kid is; how good looking; how extraordinarily adroit her math, science, art talents; how proficient her soccer, violin, computer expertise; or how profound her beauty. Instead, it's all about her preoccupation of making sure everyone knows she's better than the other kids.

Arrogant children's methods of letting others in on their superiority are usually quite tactless & always insensitive. After all, these children dwell on their own capabilities & are usually quite blind to those of others.

Certainly, no infant arrives diapered & arrogant. But somewhere growing up, these kids anointed themselves as the Better Ones. And there are many reasons. Unrealistic self-appraisals may have resulted from overly lavished parental pride (& usually with a blind eye to their kid's faults & behavior mishaps).

Excellence in an area - academics, sports, music, the arts, or any other - may be such a prime commodity in these kids' homes that letting others in on those talents is valued. Or competition, one-upmanship, or winning at any cost (including the price of humility) may be the family mantra.

There always are deeper underlying causes to any bad attitude that often are overlooked. For instance, an arrogant child may attempt to make others think his ideas are better because deep down, he doesn't feel superior at all: in reality he feels inferior.

But boasting or bragging is his way of trying to convince others of his talents. He might be jealous or resentful of other siblings or friends, so to get back he has to play the "I'm better than you" game.

Or he may feel his relationship with you or his other parent is contingent on what he knows or does instead of who he is. So he is forever trying to prove himself to gain your love or approval. It could also be a reaction to a critical or negative parenting style.

Whatever the cause, make no mistake: if this arrogant attitude continues, it can have deadly consequences. No teacher, coach, scout leader, or other child's parent appreciates a kid with an "I'm superior" attitude.

Besides that, what peer wants to be around another kid who tries to make him feel inferior? That's why all too many arrogant children have such dismal social lives.

What any arrogant kid desperately needs is a strong helping of humble pie, so make sure you give him a big piece soon. Make sure you teach him humility, graciousness & modesty to replace the arrogance that will prevent good character & ultimate fulfillment.

What's Wrong with Your Current Response?

Your kid is right in front of you & her arrogant, know-it-all ways are flying full colors. How do you typically respond?

Do you reinforce her professions of greatness by agreeing with her? Do you encourage her by reminding her of other talents she has overlooked?

Are you cheering her know-it-all ways because you feel it is a sign of high self-esteem?

If you don't approve of her arrogant attitude, what do you do (or do you do anything?)?

For instance, do you let her know you don't approve by giving her one of your sternest looks? Yell? Lecture? Shrug? Remove a privilege? Raise your eyebrows?

Do you ignore her attitude & hope it will go away by itself?

Or do you let her know that she really doesn't have anything to be so proud of?

Do you criticize? Humiliate?

Compare her professed talent to that of someone else, such as a sibling, your partner, her peers, or even yourself?

What is the one response you have found doesn't work in stopping her arrogant ways?

Write what you'll never do from this moment forward:

I will not

Facing Your Own Bad Attitudes

Where is your kid learning this attitude?

Could it be from you or your partner?

Tune into your attitude & that of those close to your child & look for clues. It may help you discover what's triggering your kid's arrogance.

First, look at your own attitude & think about the kind of example you're sending.

For instance, do you brag frequently about your accomplishments or talents in front of your kids?

Do they hear you boasting about yourself to your partner, relatives, or spouse?

What about your spouse or relatives? Do they display this attitude?

What do your kids perceive you value more: personal character or personal achievements?

Is your attitude in line with those values?

Do you emphasize your family's social, financial, or professional status to your kids?

Do you (& they) have the view that your family is somehow "better" than other families?

Do you stress personal accomplishments, grades, athletic prowess & test results so much to your kids that they might perceive they need to prove themselves in order to gain your love?

How competitive are you about your kids & family?

For instance, how important is it for your kids to be "better" than your friends' kids?

Do you openly compare your kids' performance, grades, or capabilities to those of their classmates, cousins, neighbors, or friends?

What are your beliefs about how children acquire self-esteem?

For instance, do you feel it is more a matter of nature or your nurture?

Is self-esteem contingent on a child's personal accomplishments or a parent's acceptance, or both?

Do you feel that arrogance is a sign of high, medium, or low self-esteem?

Do you feel criticism lowers your child's self-esteem?

Do you criticize your child's poor behavior or attitude? If so, how? If not, why?

Might your response have anything to do with your child's arrogant attitude?

Is there anything in your own attitude that might be enhancing your kid's arrogance? If so, what is it?

What is the first step you need to take in yourself to be a better example of humility to your child?

I will

The "Don't Give Me That Attitude" Makeover

To eliminate your child's arrogant bad attitude, take the following steps.

Step 1. Uncover the Source
Here are some common reasons that your child may be so arrogant. Check off those that might pertain to your situation:

She may feel the need to show off her talents, skills, or intelligence. Have you set a precedent in which your kids display their talents to friends, relatives, or one another?

She may be jealous or resentful. Do you favor one child, or does she feel that you do? Do you compare her capabilities – academic, social, aesthetic, or athletic – to those of classmates, peers, neighborhood kids, cousins, or your friend's kids?

She may need attention or want to improve her social status. Does she feel the way to make friends is by "impressing" them? Does she lack social skills to find friends who accept her for herself?

She may feel that this is the way to gain your approval. Do you emphasize the concept of "what did you get?" (grades, "gold stars," goals, scores) to your kid? Do you reinforce or reward (such as with money or privileges) your child's performance?

She may feel "privileged" or "above others." Do you stress your family's status – financial, social, educational, professional – as being better than others?

She may be self-centered. Have you made your child feel as though no one is as intelligent, talented, or capable as she is?

She may feel inadequate. Is she trying to prove her capabilities to others because deep down she feels not good enough?

She models what she hears. Does she hear other family members boasting and mimic them?

She may be competitive. Is competition to be the best a priority in your house, and so she feels the need to prove she meets your expectations?

Identifying the specific reasons for your child's arrogant attitude will aid tremendously in changing it.

Step 2. Point Out Others' Reactions

A big part of changing any habit is for the offender to realize why he should change, and that's a problem with kids. They often have used the attitude so long that they're unaware that arrogance is a real turn-off and doesn't win them any points from friends, teammates, or adults. Help your child recognize how others react to his know-it-all superior ways.

Here are a few examples of how you might do so with your child:

• Ask: How would you feel? "Sam came over to play, but you spent a lot of time walking him around the house and telling him how much bigger our house is than his. How do you think he feels? Do you think he'd like to come and play with you again?"

• Point out nonverbal reactions. "Did you see Kevin smirk when you talked about all your trophies?" "Sara rolled her eyes when you told her Dad makes more money than her dad. Did you notice?"

• Role-play the other side. "I heard you bet Meredith that you were smarter in math than she is and showed your report cards. Pretend you are Meredith. What do you think she'd like to say to you?"

The First 21 Days

Start a Humility Crusade in your home by encouraging all family members to look more for the good in others & less in themselves.

Follow these steps:

1. Pick your favorite skill, hobby, or focus of interest, from Barbies to the Middle East conflict.

2. Find 2 or 3 experts who know a whole lot more than you do & read up on everything they've said on the subject.

3. Have a family discussion on several of these topics that highlights modesty, focusing on other people's thinking & serious learning.

1. Focus on the specific content of an arrogant remark, like a claim to know more, or do better, or be superior in some way.

2. Dig down & find out the real feelings underneath. Does your child really feel that this is true, or is he only pretending?

3. If he thinks it's true, point out the reality of the situation: that he isn't the best, doesn't have the most & so on & show him that it doesn't matter. You love him anyway.

4. If it isn't true, show empathy for his insecurity & need to compensate. Again, show him that you love him no matter what & find out what you can do to help him overcome the fear & anxiety that actually provokes this arrogance.

Attitude Makeover Resources
For Parents

Everyday Blessings: The Inner World of Mindful Parenting, by Myla Kabat-Zinn and Jon Kabat-Zinn (New York: Hyperion, 1997). Shows parents how to recognize who their children really are and be grateful for each child's uniqueness.

No More Push Parenting: A Mother's Tale from the Trenches, by Elisabeth Guthrie and Kathy Matthew (New York: Broadway Books, 2002). Great solutions for parents caught up by the need to push their kids to the top and those parents who don't want to push but are afraid their kids won't measure up.

Raising Confident Girls: 100 Tips for Parents and Teachers, by Elizabeth Hartley-Brewer (Cambridge, Mass.: Fisher Books, 2001). Excellent ideas to help your daughter gain authentic self-esteem and feel good about who she is without having to put on false airs. Also by the author for parents of boys: Raising Confident Boys: 100 Tips for Parents and Teachers, by Elizabeth Hartley-Brewer (Cambridge, Mass.: Fisher Books, 2003).

Worried All the Time: Overparenting in an Age of Anxiety and How to Stop It, by David Anderegg (New York: Free Press, 2003). Fascinating analysis on why anxiety-driven parenting may be doing kids more harm than good, and down-to-earth advice on how to pull back.

For Kids
The Emperor's New Clothes, by Hans Christian Andersen (New York: North-South Books, 2002). The all-time classic about the emperor who always wanted to put on airs to convince his subjects of his greatness. Ages 4 to 8.

Kissing Coyotes, by Marcia K. Vaughan and Kenneth Spengler (Illustrator) (Flagstaff, Ariz.: Rising Moon, 2002). Jack Rabbit boasts idly without much consideration for how he might actually accomplish the feats that he brags about. One day he goes a little too far in his claims, and his desert friends have had enough. Ages 4 to 8.

The Tower: A Story of Humility, by Richard Evans (New York: Simon & Schuster, 2001). Determining that greatness means having everyone look up to him literally, a proud young man in long-ago China builds a tower and isolates himself from his fellow villagers. Loneliness is a small price to pay, and anyway, "Why would he want to associate with those so much lower than himself?" A wonderful lesson in humanity. Ages 4 to 8.

Pride and Prejudice, by Jane Austen (A & E, 1995). The filmed version of Jane Austen's classic novel about the prejudice that occurred between the nineteenth-century classes and the pride that would keep lovers apart. Look carefully at the "supposed arrogance" of a few of the characters, particularly the uncle. What becomes apparent at the end is that some people put on airs to cover up insecurities or traumatic earlier experiences. A good lesson for us all. Ages 10 up.

From Don't Give Me That Attitude by Michele Borba, Ed.D. Copyright © 2004 by Michele Borba. All rights reserved. Used by arrangement with John Wiley & Sons, Inc.

Buy the book at www.amazon.com.