Fragile creatures?
Certainly, there are plenty of neglected children in America. But in middle class & upper middle class communities the coddled kid is becoming the norm, says Peter N. Stearns, a social historian at George Mason University in Fairfax, Va. & the author of "Anxious Parents: A History of Modern Childrearing in America."

“In the last few decades the belief became popular that children are exceptionally fragile creatures & we should treat them that way,” says Stearns.

The fact that many Americans are waiting longer to become parents & are having fewer children has also contributed greatly to the phenomenon. “If you have 1 or 2 children - rather than 4 or 5 - obviously, the individual child becomes much more precious,” he says.

Andrea J. Buchanan, author of "Mother Shock: Loving Every (Other) Minute of It," says she sees a clear link between super-parenting & today’s highly educated mommyforce. When it comes time to have children, she says, many career-oriented women still end up putting their career on the backburner & their children on the front.

At the same time, many mothers (& fathers) try to bring the same work ethic to parenting as they once did to their careers: they’re willing to work hard, they’re ambitious & competitive & they have a desire for accomplishment, control & results.

Buchanan says she thinks the problem starts even before the baby arrives. “I like to use the trip analogy," she says. "Instead of just packing your suitcase & reading the tour book, many pregnant women are now made to feel they must learn how to fly the plane. So this is where it begins. You get sucked into it right then.”

Parents are given this false notion that they can & should control all aspects of child-rearing from conception to the child’s post-doctoral work, she says.

The sum effect has been that parenting has become complicated beyond what most of us believe we can handle on our own, says Dr. Bernardo J. Carducci, a professor of psychology at Indiana Univ. in New Albany, Ind., & the director of its Shyness Research Institute.

“As we make parenting more & more complicated," he says, "what happens is people are uncertain what to do. Every time you have uncertainty, you have anxiety.” According to Carducci, fear is the stuff of overparenting.

Maternal bling-bling
Much of the $6 billion that Americans spend annually on baby gear is spent because marketers have scared us into buying it or because everyone we know has a certain stroller or diaper bag, Carducci says. It’s what he calls maternal bling-bling - stuff we get to make us feel like we’re good parents.

“To alleviate your anxiety you buy what the marketers say you need & what the other mothers in Mommy & Me have," he says. "That’s conformity. You can look at a suburban mom & a rapper & see the same thing. They’re surrounded by this stuff. It’s a way to compare yourself to others & announce to the world that you’re a ‘good’ mom.”

Then, once a child starts school, the chances for overparenting & the pitfalls for not doing so abound, says Dr. Alexandra Barzvi, clinical coordinator for the Institute of Anxiety & Mood at the New York University Child Study Center. “Many parents are even worked up about which preschool their child gets into," she says. "They see it as a very competitive world & they introduce this to their children right away.”

By the time the children are ready to try to get into college, the parental anxiety - as well as the child’s - is often out of control. The Child Study Center recently introduced a workshop to help teens & their parents deal with the anxiety of applying for college.

“In our society now, a child’s success in school has become emblematic of your success as a parent,” says Stearns. So if you have a kid who gets into (never mind graduates from) Harvard, that’s as good as a stellar (although long-awaited) performance review.

While over-anxious parenting may make us feel better in the short-term, says Carducci, there are long-term consequences. Over-anxious parents raise emotionally fragile kids - kids who can’t stand on their own. They don’t know how to make sound decisions & they aren’t equipped to deal with failure & frustration.

“Frustration tolerance is the best predictor of self-esteem,” notes Carducci. When a child can endure failing, pick himself up & carry on, he gains strength & confidence. When he knows he’s done something on his own - whether he succeeds or fails - he’ll be proud of his effort.

Charting their own course
On the other hand, if a child is made to believe that he couldn’t survive without his dad or mom bailing him out or somehow protecting him, it has the opposite result. Carducci says it sends a clear message to kids that they are incapable of success or decision-making without their parents.

Furthermore, many professionals contend overparented kids are at a higher risk for anxiety disorders & depression. They also tend to have trouble charting their course later in life.

“Hot-house raised kids often need a period in which they need to wander later,” says Stearns. “This isn’t bad necessarily, but it’s not how life used to be. Kids used to graduate college & then enter the workforce.”

He sees the delayed growing up, where kids meander after college, as their way of reclaiming their childhood - leading the less directed & controlled life that they probably should’ve had as youngsters.

Another impact, says Stearns, has been on something even less intangible. “Parenting has become less enjoyable & that’s really the shame,” says Stearns.

Dr. George Cohen, a clinical professor of pediatrics at George Washington University School of Medicine in Washington, D.C., & a spokesperson for the American Academy of Pediatrics, says that while overparenting can be a problem, there’s also the good side of it – at least the children are lucky enough to have parents who are vigilant & care, albeit perhaps a little too much.

“Finding a happy medium - parenting enough but not too much - is sometimes easier said than done,” says Cohen.

It’s not even that people who overparent are fanatics necessarily. They’re more than likely just confused & uncertain. “A lot of times the reason some parents are overly anxious is because they don’t know what to do," he says. "They read one article & it tells them to do one thing, another article tells them to do the opposite. Parents often don’t know what to believe or where to turn."

A good pediatrician can do an anxious parent a world of good, according to Cohen. "Sometimes people can start out as an overanxious parent but as they become much more comfortable they strike a better balance," he says.

Love them the way they are
Nobody is suggesting that parenthood can or should be anxiety-free. What they're suggesting is that parents love their children for who they are, not what they want them to be. Most people don’t excel in every subject. So getting straight A's is probably more about what you want rather than a true reflection of your child’s abilities.

Also, allowing your child to fail, experience frustration & negotiate his or her own way in school & life – suffering consequences & reaping the benefits - isn't only wise, it’s essential.

So next time you’re tempted to phone your child’s teacher because of a bad test score, ask yourself:

Is this as important as I think it is? Remember, the world will continue to exist even if your child fails his French test. The idea is that you want to take the pressure off of yourself & allow your child to learn on his own as often as possible.

Victoria Clayton is a freelance writer based in California & co-author of the new book "Fearless Pregnancy: Wisdom & Reassurance from a Doctor, a Midwife & a Mom," published by Fair Winds Press.

This article is alittle deep, but for those who are interested, i thought it was very revealing...

Becoming Nobody
Mark Medweth
Department of Psychology
Simon Fraser University
medweth@sfu.ca

Whether we experience confusion, frustration, or enjoyment, such experiences take place thru the mind. Thus, whether our interests are psychological, scientific, or religious in nature, it would seem important for us to understand the workings of the brain. If the ego or "self" (interchangeable words in Buddhist philosophy) plays a role in these experiences as well as abnormal development, as some psychologies would propose, we should more carefully examine what part they play in our psychological well being.

An examination of some basic tenets concerning the ego, "self," or "I" from a Buddhist perspective reveals a very different view from traditional Western personality theories.

The Western Self
The importance of the ego or "self" which emanates from Western psychology is explicitly extensive. Ego Psychology, typified by Freud, emphasizes the development of the capabilities of the ego (Muzika, 1990). Cognitive-behavioural therapy deals, in part, with inappropriate self-ideas & fosters changes in attitudes we hold about the "self" (Muzika, 1990).

Allport lists a strong ego identity as a descriptor of maturity while Erikson adds ego-integrity to his psychosocial stages of the life cycle (Goleman, 1981). Generally speaking, a wide-spread Western assumption suggests that the ego, "self," or "I" is thought of as a separate system, apart from such aspects as the body, spirit, or even matter in some cases (Welwood, 1976).

While Eastern perspectives of psychology may agree with some Western views of development & treatment (De Silva, 1985), there's a fundamental disagreement as to whether the ego is necessary for normal psychological functioning (Nitis, 1989).

In fact, in regarding the conception of "self" as the main source of all suffering, putting an end to the "self" is a key focus of Buddhist psychology.

While there are more than 200 varieties of psychotherapy, few of these would suggest that the "self" is an illusion (Muzika, 1990). Most would, in fact, attempt to strengthen such aspects of the person, making them more capable of bearing the pain of one's experience.

Since Western traditions would highlight the disappearance of self -other boundaries in major psychoses & borderline cases, it's understandable that the idea of transcending the "self" or ego might be dismissed as regressive psychopathology (Walsh, 1988).

However, some of the greatest Buddhist scholars maintain that Western science has yet to learn enough about the brain to appreciate the Eastern understanding of the mind & its implications (Komito, 1983). An examination of general Buddhist views of the "self" leaves the West with much to think about.

An Eastern View of Self
Some Eastern scholars would agree with Freud & others that ego formation is an essential process for the self preservation & protection of the developing organism initially (Nitis, 1989).

However, one of the most perniciously false views which is explicitly criticized by Buddhism has been the belief in a fixed-self or ego (Goleman, 1981). Buddhists would suggest that as the ego begins to turn back on itself, exploring its own creation, it provides the intellect with the capacity to identify & classify, thus initiating the attempt to establish itself as a real & solid entity (Nitis, 1989).

In other words, the ego or "self" is nothing more than a process of self-deception attempting to provide a basis for security. As a result we begin to use words like "self," & "I." Buddhists would warn us, however, that such words don't actually refer to something concrete but are simply grammatical devices (Giles, 1993).

The Dalai Lama, among others, suggests two kinds of truths for consideration: conventional & ultimate. The words "self" & "I" are used by convention & are necessary in building a strong sense-of-self initially so we can function properly in the world, but these words aren't grounded in ultimate reality (Rahula, 1974; Komito, 1984).

It's the exaggeration of the conventional designations which is the cause of pain & suffering (Kalff, 1983). The exaggeration of importance results in our trying to make ourselves real; if the sense-of-self is simply a construct, it can try to make itself real by objectifying itself in some fashion, but leads to a perpetual failure & underlying sense of lack in the end (Loy, 1992b). Why do we refrain from examining this possibility?

Intellectually, nondifferentiation seems much too painful to accept, so a state of ignorance is activated, thus causing people to neglect their original state of egolessness or selflessness. Yet Buddhists would suggest we transcend conventional designations & explore our true nature, for the personal "self" or "I" is considered pathological (Muzika, 1990).

According to Buddhist theory, a person is simply an aggregation of 5 elements:

• physical form
• perceptions
• feelings
• motives
• consciousness (Giles, 1993)

Yet none of these elements when considered separately or in combination can be identified with the "self." Since the inherently existing "self" can neither be found as one with the aggregates or different from them, it can't logically exist (Kalff, 1983).

Thus the illusion of having a self arises because we don't examine our experience closely enough. Instead we look only superficially at our feelings, desires & beliefs & become identified with them by convention (Muzika, 1990).

Walsh (1988) suggests a closer examination reveals that our continuous sense-of-self is selectively constructed from a myriad of mental contents. In fact the experience of "I" is a constantly changing impersonal process & is seen to be increasingly insubstantial the more closely we look at it (Epstein, 1988).

This examination reveals an ongoing, overlapping sequence of different mind - moments, as though they were objects in an environment.

Looking closely, it becomes clear that each differentiated moment of perception or thought takes on its specific nature or quality by virtue of the spaces that surround them (Welwood, 1976). Thus, distinct thoughts can be isolated as separate moments, as though they're figures against the ground of some larger mind-landscape, fragmenting the notion of a continuous "self."

The human personality could therefore be described as "a river that keeps a constant form, seemingly a single identity, though not a single drop is the same as a moment ago" (Hall & Lindzey, 1978, p. 359). The trouble with overlooking these open spaces within the mind-environment & equating thought-events w/a "self" is the anxiety that is connected with the defenses of these beliefs.

In addition to this error, a sense of consistency in interpersonal interactions & recognition by others of temporal & interpersonal consistency confirms falsely for us that we remain the same (Engler, 1984).

One concept related to the above argument is dependent origination. The "self" that is refuted above is one that is seen as permanent & independent, as most Westerners would posit. However, this notion of self is negated by virtue of the fact that all phenomena arise together in dependence & are thus void of independent existence.

This interdependence is referred to as dependent origination (Kalff, 1983). Just as Hume implied that diversity means no identity can exist (Giles, 1993), Buddhists would suggest that the interdependence diversity of elements that make up a person point to no existing "self."

Interdependence factors diametrically oppose the Western conception of autonomous, self-grounded consciousness (Loy, 1992b).

A second