|
What is letting
go?
Letting go is:
- A decision to take an action that will result in a significant
change in your life or in the lives of others.
-
-
-
-
What are some
types of letting go?
Letting Go
of Guilt:
Letting Go
of Grief:
Letting Go of
Dependency:
Letting Go
of Over-Responsibility:
Letting Go
of Resistance to Change:
- Facing
the changes in your life that are the inevitable result of your being a member of the human race.
Letting Go
of Fear:
- Desensitizing yourself
to real or imagined stimuli that induce fear in your life.
Letting Go
of Anger:
Letting Go
of Denial:
- Facing life's realities
w/an open, straightforward approach & accepting the natural consequences of change in your life.
Letting Go
of a Loved one to Death:
- Releasing your grasp on
a loved one who is suffering pain & discomfort & who wants peace & respite from their suffering. It's the unselfish act of encouraging the loved one to "take care of yourself; don't worry about us." It's the joy & peace you gain by recognizing that your loved one will be in a better place after death.
Letting Go
of Life:
- Making the final decision or
choice that death is a reward for your virtuous life; to struggle on to live will result in a reduced, minimal, or non-existent
quality of life. It's the pulling away from others to prepare them to accept your death.
What are some dynamics in the letting-go process when there are 2 or more people involved?
Holding on-Pushing Away:
- If one
person is ready to let go of the relationship thru death, divorce,
moving away or quitting & he senses that the other is"hanging on."
There's the possibility of the "pushing
away" & the "holding on" phenomenon.
· In
the "pushing away" process the person, even though he sincerely loves the other, can resort to such uncharacteristic behavior as "snapping" at them, "ignoring" them or "arguing" w/ them.
In the "holding
on" process the other, even though he sincerely loves the person, can resort to self pity, pleading,
begging & self flagellation in order to keep the person from letting go.
This often occurs in the dying process
where the patient is gravely ill & the "holder on" rationally knows the other person will be better off in death but
irrationally pleads for the patient to hang on.
Guilt:
- The "letting go" party sometimes feels so guilt-ridden in letting go of the other that
he/she requests a complete cessation of communication so as not to hear about the consequences of the letting-go process to that person.
Unresolved Grief:
- The "holder on" is so
intent on hanging on to the other person who is "gone" that he/she begins a chronic state of unresolved grief over the loss event.
Pleading:
- The "holder
on," so desperate for the person to hang on, cries out for help by acts of irrational proportion designed to pluck at the heart strings of the other to hang on just a little more, e.g.,
- "Give
me one more chance."
- "I
promise I'll do better next time."
- "I
promise I'll change & reform myself."
- "I
can't live w/out you."
- "I'll kill myself if you
go."
Reassurance Other will be OK:
- The
letting-go party hangs on & on until he is convinced that those "hanging
on" will be cared for once they do let go. However, this results
in the person or the relationship surviving much longer than what would be necessary or even reasonably expected.
Adjustment Post Lost:
- The "holder
on" is lost once the person does "let go" because they're
challenged to survive in life w/out the other person.
The "holder on" can make a successful adjustment & become more independent, resourceful & personally responsible in her/his own life.
A less successful outcome is the "holder on" collapsing into self pity, debilitating grief & maladaptive behavior.
The "holder on" in either case
needs assistance & support initially to sort out the impact of the loss event so as to be better able to decide which outcome they
want for their life.
It's a personal choice of the "holder on" how they'll
adjust to the person's letting go.
Step 2. Once you've identified what type of letting
go is needed, then decide what are the obstacles to your letting go. Identify the following in your journal:
Irrational beliefs: (list them)
What are some obstacles
to letting go?
The irrational beliefs that "If I let go... then:
- I'll never be happy again.
- I won't know what to do
w/the rest of my life.
Fear of rejection or loss of approval of others: If I let go...
- They won't like or love me.
- They'll judge me badly.
- They'll never do anything
I ask of them again.
- They'll be angry w/me.
- There's no one else in
this world who'll accept me.
Fear of the unknown: If I let go
?
- What will life be w/out
my loved one?
- What's on the other side
of death?
- How will I fill the void
left by the loss?
- What will happen?
- How can I survive?
Avoidance of guilt: If I let go they will ?
- Never survive the loss
of me in their life.
- Falter & maybe fail.
- Suffer pain & hurt.
- Feel badly & possibly turn against me.
- Blame me for their problems.
Over-responsibility: I can't let go because?
- They can't make it w/out
me.
- They need me.
- I must take care of them.
- I have so many people
I must help.
- There's too much I have
to do.
Fear of conflict: If I let go ?
- They'll be angry at me.
- I'll have to defend my action to others.
- I must be certain it's
the right thing to do first.
- I won't be able to defend the decision.
- What price will I have
to pay in response to others' reactions to my decision?
Over-dependence: If I let go of dependence on you ?
- I can't go on.
- My life would be void
& empty.
- Who'll take care of me?
- I'll never be happy again.
- How will I be able to
have my needs fulfilled?
Unwillingness to express true emotion:
- You'll know how I really
feel & what my real needs are or I'll not let go.
- It's more important for me to be macho & strong than to let go & let my feelings out.
- If you see how I really
feel by my letting go, I'll become vulnerable & possibly taken advantage of.
- If I let go of my anger I might be able to forgive & forget hurtful, uncaring & painful experiences in my life, & I can't afford to forget these things.
- In order to let go I have to be in touch w/negative feelings that I never allow myself to experience.
Fear of being disloyal or unfaithful:
- If I let
go of you, you might feel like I no longer care about you.
- If I let go of you, you might believe that I've found others w/whom I'm replacing you in my life.
- If I let go & let you struggle on your own in life, you may feel that I don't care anymore.
- I never want you to hurt, so I won't let go.
- I must protect you no matter what, so I'll not let go.
Lack of belief in self:
- I'd never survive if I
let you go.
- I'm worthless w/out you, so I can't let you go.
- I can do nothing right
in life; I need you so much that I can't let you go.
- There's no way they'd
ever let me continue to succeed if I let go.
- I'm incompetent &
have never been able to make a decision, so how can I let go now?
Step 4.If you're still having problems try one or more of these ideas
to stimulate your letting go:
- Write a eulogy to the
person in your life whom you need to let go of in death. In the eulogy emphasize their positive contributions to others in their life & capture their goodness, zest for life, & energy.
Once
you've completed this task, you may recognize that the person wanted you to let go.
If they'd lived,
they'd never have been as productive & would've never enjoyed life as much as they once had.
- Write your own eulogy
if you're having problems considering your letting go of life when the time comes. By reviewing
your own life, you may recognize the need to let go once its quality is diminished due to
terminal or severely debilitating illness.
- Write a will & the
plans for your funeral service. This will remind you of your mortality & the need for you to keep your priorities in life
clear.
Write a "20 years-from-now'' autobiography of yourself, emphasizing the
changes in your life then if you let go of:
any other unhealthy behavior in your current life
Letting Go of Control to Gain Balance in Your Life
Since
you are, like I am, a person who has had problems with maintaining a healthy weight, had a poor body image, had a poor relationship with food & hadn't been able to maintain a healthy exercise program in your life then you also
have a major problem with control.
As
a group, people like us tend to be over critical, over judgmental, exact high standards & expectations of others & are severe perfectionists. We tend to be quick to see faults in others & are quick to blame them for the imperfections we see around us.
In
order to maintain our sanity in life, we immediately, when faced with a problem involving another person or place or
thing will try to fix or take care of it, so that it can be corrected the way we want it to be so that we will be happy & content with it.
We'll
offer unsolicited advice to others on what to change in order to fix or change the situation which is a problem for us. Better yet, we'll do it ourselves to fix or take care of it. After all we rationalize, "If you want it done right, then do it yourself."
We
tend not to trust others to do things which we're dependent on them to do for us. As a result of our over control modes, we experience a great deal of stress, anxiety, exhaustion, depression, anger, resentment & fatigue which are all emotional triggers for our eating. We often
nurture ourselves with food because we experience others as inadequate in the meeting of our needs.
This
controlling mode focuses the attention on other people, places, things & conditions & keeps the focus off of ourselves.
It assists us to become invisible to the world & to ourselves. It gives us a false sense of being important since we're fixing & taking care of things which others have failed to do "good enough" by our standards or expectations.
The
"self" becomes lost in our powerful expression of criticism, judgment making, perfectionistic taunts & expectation & standard evaluating. It's a statement to ourselves that: "I must have the outcome I want or else!" It also is a statement
that: "I must have control of the situation, if it's to come out the way I want it to."
It
makes it impossible to ever delegate out responsibility to others to assist in achieving the outcomes desired. The controlling mode is a mask behind which we hide so that we don't have to take care of ourselves & the powerful problems over which we've failed to be successful or triumphant.
The
amazing truth about controlling behaviors with people like us, is that when it comes to taking care of our need to put balance into our lives; to change our relationship with food; to work on improving our self-image; to heal our self-esteem; to grow in love of our bodies; to let go of the power of guilt in our lives; to increase our level of healthy exercise; to work at letting out our anger in a healthy way over
things which frustrate us; to identify our unhealthy & irrational thinking & to nurture ourselves so that we grow
in self-love & self-respect, we become immobilized.
We
don't take control. We become obsessed with the belief that: "I'll never be able to fully achieve the outcome I want, so why try!" We become overwhelmed by our fantasy of how it
ought or should be, that we don't have the energy to take control of the situation to change it. We come up with all kinds of excuses why we can't do it.
We
plead helplessness. We become withdrawn from the problem. We act in irresponsible ways around the problem. We procrastinate.
We claim we are "too busy" or "don't have enough time." We become the very thing we criticism in others.
Our
self-esteem takes a beating because we at some level know we are avoiding doing the work we need to do, to get our lives into a healthy balance & we become riddled with shame & guilt for not taking "good enough"
care of ourselves.
We
do the ultimate giving up of self-control by dropping out of programs like this because of the implied rules &
pressure to take care of ourselves in healthy ways. It's almost like we're fighting the sense of being controlled by another person (the author of the text or the leader of the class) to do something,
even if it is good for us.
The
rebellion & resistance we throw up to efforts which are good for us results in us not being successful in healing
ourselves. This is crazy & a waste of emotional & physical energy.
The
goal of letting go of control over other people, places, things & conditions is for us to be able to: "accept life the way it is rather than how we want it."
By letting go of control of others, we can begin to refocus on ourselves in healthy ways. By not criticizing,
judging & blaming others we can begin to lighten up the rules & restrictions we've placed on ourselves. We recognize
that the control of others is our defense mechanism to cover up our self-criticism & blaming ourselves for having our lives so out of
balance.
By
not holding on to our perfectionistic needs for others we can begin to free ourselves up from the need to be so perfect. We can learn to accept ourselves as human beings who are subject to making mistakes, experiencing failure, making slips or even relapsing. By not
exacting high standards & expectations on others, we can become more self-loving & self-accepting of ourselves for who we are rather than who we want ourselves
to be.
We
can begin to say we love our bodies now at the beginning of our program of recovery rather than to wait for the end
when we "should be able to say it because the body will be just the way I want it to be in order for me to say it is beautiful."
By
setting standards which are realistic for ourselves, we might be better able to accept the need to give up our "fantasy" Swiss bank account bodies & accept the reality of "reality based" bank account bodies. By no longer needing to feel the burden of taking on other's problems to solve, we're free to focus all that energy on ourselves.
We'll
no longer need to look to others to reinforce us for being "good people" who do so much for so many others. Instead we'll be able to give
credit more to ourselves & reinforce ourselves for doing such "good deeds" for ourselves. We'll be able to let go of the need for the approval & recognition of others for what we do in life.
We'll
be able to approve of ourselves for being who we are unconditionally. We'll be able to keep focus on ourselves & our need to get & maintain our lives in balance as we let go of the need to be so overly concerned
about how every body else is doing. We'll be able to laugh & enjoy the saying of WGAS (Who
gives a shit!) every time we regain our focus on our personal efforts.
By
letting go of our need to be concerned with other's problems, concerns or difficulties, we'll be more centered on ourselves when we attend the program
meetings or are doing our lifestyle balancing work at home, at work or in the community.
It's important to recognize that the nature of the control issue is determined as to where we place our locus (place) of control in our lives. We either can place our focus on the External Locus of Control which is on other people, places, things, conditions or situations in our lives which impact our sense of being approved,
recognized, wanted & loved.
Or we have the choice to place our focus on the Internal Locus of Control which is on the inside of me. The internal locus is on my mind, heart & gut. It's on my inner spirit & inner personhood.
It's on my self-worth, self-respect, self-confidence, self-deservedness in other words my self-esteem.
When we focus on the external locus of control we give the externals the power over us & how we feel about ourselves. When we focus on the internal locus of control we empower ourselves to grow in self-love & self-control. When we're busy focusing on the internal locus of control we don't have the time or energy to focus on the external locus of control issues.
By accepting that we can't control the externals in our lives, we are accepting our powerlessness over them. By accepting our powerlessness, we're then able to let go of our externals as being the uncontrollables
& unchangeables in our lives; once we have let go of the power we give to our externals then we're able to maintain detachment from them so that they no longer have the power to influence how we feel about them.
After being able to gain detachment over our externals, we're then able to accept unconditionally all of these externals for what they are rather than for what we wanted them to be.
The LET GO System in the Self-Esteem Seekers Anonymous Manual. helps you to understand the letting go of control process. You first need to
Lighten Pressure which is to do ALERTS about what is leading you to want to control and then to do ANGER over what
you wish you could control but know that it would be unhealthy for you to try and then you do CHILD to nurture yourself for
your guilt free releasing of the need to jump in and take control of an external in your life. Once you have accomplished
this you then Exercise Rights which is to declare that the only thing you can control or change is yourself and that
you will withdraw from efforts to control this problematic external in your life. You then need to Take Steps which
is to stop trying to fix, change, rescue, enable, give advise, judge, criticism, set standards, exact perfectionistic expectations
or correct the problematic external and allow this other external to experience the natural consequences of their own actions.
You then need to embrace the words of the Serenity Prayer by Giving up the Need to control the externals in your life
and to maintain a reasonably happy life, living one day at a time and enjoying one moment at a time. Finally you will Order
your Life accordingly so that you maintain an internal locus of control and let go of the need to focus on the external
locus of control.
Affirmations
for Letting Go of Control as you begin your Balanced Lifestyle:
-
I will maintain
my locus of control on me.
-
I will change and
control only myself.
-
I will grow in
self-control.
-
I will take the
steps to let go of the need to control others in my life.
-
I am important
enough to work on changing and getting into personal balance and control.
-
I deserve the efforts
I will put into making the changes needed to get my life in balance.
-
I will be able
to let go of the need to control external issues which I want to change.
-
I am the only one
I can change or control.
-
I only need my
approval to be successful in my efforts to balance my lifestyle.
-
I will let go of
my helplessness in dealing with the changes I need to make in my life.
-
I will make the
time to make the changes I need to make in my life.
-
I am always able
to give myself the time and effort needed to change my lifestyle.
-
I love myself enough
to do what I need to do to change my lifestyle.
-
I will work harder
on focusing my energy on myself.
-
I will do more
reading and writing in the Tools for Coping Series.
-
I will put more
time and energy into my efforts to change my lifestyle.
-
I will let go of
the need to procrastinate about beginning to exercise more.
-
I will let go of
the need to focus on others in order to take the focus off of myself.
-
I make a commitment
to make my internal locus of control a healthy process.
-
I make a commitment
to empower myself by refocusing on my internals.
-
I make a commitment
to de-power the external locus of control in my life.
-
I deserve to focus
more on self-loving, self-nurturing and guilt reducing behaviors.
-
I will reach out
to others for their support to help me let go of my need to control others.
-
I will let go of
the need to use a mask of control to hide my needs from myself.
-
I will let go of
the defense mechanism of control of others so that I can change myself.
-
I will redirect
all of my fixing and caretaking energy onto me and my lifestyle needs.
-
I will be able
to fix and take care of my lifestyle change because I am a good fixer.
-
I will establish
healthy boundaries between me and others.
-
I will maintain
healthy boundaries between me and the others I want to fix and change.
-
I will spend more
time on me and feel guilt free as I do that.
-
I have the right
to fix and change only myself.
-
I have the right
to expect myself to work on me.
-
I will keep the
focus of my control efforts only on myself.
-
I will give permission
to my SEA's Buddies to call me on it when I get into a control mode.
-
I will listen and
give support to my SEA's Buddies without trying to fix them.
-
I will let go of
my critical and judgmental nature as I attend SEA's meetings.
-
I will be free
of my over control mode as I progress in this Balanced Lifestyle Program.
-
I will allow myself to
let others experience the consequences of their own actions.
|
 |
|
Letting Go of Unavailable People
By
Robert Burney
"In our disease defense system we build up huge walls to protect ourselves & then - as soon as we meet someone who will help us to repeat
our patterns of abuse, abandonment, betrayal &/or deprivation - we lower the drawbridge & invite them in.
We, in our Codependence, have radar systems which cause us to be attracted to & attract to us, the people, who for us personally, are exactly the most
untrustworthy (or unavailable or smothering or abusive or whatever we need to repeat our patterns) individuals - exactly the ones
who will "push our buttons."
This happens because those people feel familiar. Unfortunately in childhood the people whom we trusted the most - were the most familiar - hurt us the most. So the effect is that we keep repeating our patterns & being given the reminder that it's
not safe to trust ourselves or other people.
Once we begin healing we can see that the Truth is that it isn't safe to trust as long as we are reacting out of the emotional wounds & attitudes of our childhoods.
Once we start Recovering, then we can begin to see that on a Spiritual
level these repeating behavior patterns are opportunities to heal the childhood wounds."
"I spent most of my life being the victim of my own thoughts, my own emotions, my own behaviors. I was consistently picking untrustworthy people to trust & unavailable people to love. I couldn't trust my own emotions because I was incapable of being honest with myself emotionally - which made me incapable of Truly being honest on any level."
(All
quotes in this color are from Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls)
Codependency is an incredibly insidious, treacherous disease. It's
a compulsively reactive condition in which our ego programming from childhood dictates how we live our lives today.
As long as we're not in recovery from our codependency, we're powerless to make clear choices in discerning
rather someone we're attracted to is a available for a healthy relationship - we are in fact, doomed to keep
repeating patterns.
Emotionally we're drawn to people who feel familiar on an energetic level. That's, people who, on an emotional vibrational
level, resonate w/us as being familiar. It feels to us as if we have a strong connection to those people. In other words, we have an inner radar system that causes us to be attracted to people who resonate
vibrationally in a way that is familiar on an emotionally intimate level.
We're attracted to people whose inner emotional dynamic is similar to our most powerful & earliest experience of emotional intimacy & love - our parents.
No matter how much we are making an effort on a conscious level to not pick anyone like our parents, energetically
we feel a strong attraction to people whose inner emotional dynamic is similar to our first experience of love.
It was very important for me to get aware of the reality that if
I met someone who felt like my soul mate, I had better watch out. Those are exactly the people who will fit my patterns
- recreate my wounding.
It was very important for me to recognize the power of this type of attraction. And also to realize, that
on a Spiritual level, these people were teachers who were in my life to help me get in touch w/my childhood wounds.
It was vital for me to start being
aware that if I met someone who felt like my soul mate it didn't mean
we were going to live happily ever
after. What it meant was that I was being given another
wonderful, & painful, opportunity for growth.
Becoming conscious of these emotional energetic dynamics was a very important part of owning my power. My power to make choices, to accept consequences, to take responsibility for my choices & consequences & to not buy into the belief that I was being victimized by the other person, or my own defectiveness.
Recognizing
unavailability in the other person doesn't mean that I have to let go of the relationship - at least
not immediately, it could be something I will decide to do eventually.
What's so important, is to let go of focusing
on that person as the cause of, or solution to, my problems. As long as we're focusing on the other person & buying
into the illusion that if we just: work a little harder; lose some more weight; make some more money;
do &/or say the right things; whatever; that person will change & be everything we want them to be.
Codependents
focus on others to keep from looking at self. We need to let go of focusing on the other person & start focusing
inside to understand what's happening.
Our adult patterns, the people we have been in relationship with, are symptoms - effects of our childhood wounding. We can;t solve a problem w/out looking at the cause.
Focusing on symptoms (which our society is famous for: war on drugs; war on poverty: etc.) will not heal the cause.
The reason that we get involved w/people who are unavailable, is because we're unavailable. We're attracted to people who feel familiar
because on some level we're still trying to prove our worth by earning the Love & respect of our unavailable parents. We think we're going to rescue the other person which will prove our worth - or that we need them to rescue us because of our lack of worth. The princess will kiss me & turn me from a frog into a prince, the prince will rescue me & take me to live
in the castle, syndrome.
We need to own our own worth - our own
"Prince or Princess" ness - before we can be available for a healthy relationship w/some one who
has owned their own worth.
It's not possible to love someone enough to get them to stop hating, & being unavailable, to them self. We need to let go of that
delusion. We need to focus on healing our self - on understanding & healing the emotional wounds that have driven us to pick people who couldn't give us what we want emotionally. We need to develop some healthy emotional intimacy w/ourselves before we're capable of being available for a healthy relationships w/someone who is also available.
|
|
|
|
|
A New Look at Body Image
IV. LET GO
of Poor Body Image
Cavepeople
weren't hassled by body image. If they were criticized or ostracized because of the size, shape or look of their bodies they would let go of the need to deal with such statements because they would take the answer into their own hands & eliminate the offending party.
Cavepeople
were able to take care of such problems in a rudimentary & simple way. It might have been harsh but it did settle the
issue immediately. You can settle the issue of your poor body image immediately as well.
It
doesn't however include the termination of any criticizers. It does however entail the letting
go of the need to allow others the power to influence how you think & feel about yourself.
Letting
go of the need to be approved by others frees you up to determine your own self-evaluation & self-judgment system to evaluate your worth & value.
You
need to admit that you've been emotionally dependent on others for their acceptance, recognition, valuing & positive judgment.
You
need to admit that you've handed over to others the responsibility for your emotional health & self-esteem.
You
need to admit that you've given others power over your thinking, feeling & actions concerning your body image.
You
need to admit that you've allowed others to teach you that conditional acceptance of your body is the only allowable way to treat your body image.
You
have to admit that you've allowed others to shame & make you feel guilt over your body size, shape & looks.
You
have to admit that you have allowed others to make you perfectionistic about your body image & that you've learned that your body will never be "good enough" until it becomes the ideal "perfect" image which others
project as perfect for you.
You
have to admit that because you've become so self-conscious about how others judge & criticize your body looks, size &
shape that you try to be as invisible from others as possible.
You
lastly have to admit that you've allowed others to influence you to believe that your worth as a human being is depended solely on how your body looks.
You
need to LET GO of the control of others over your self-image, self-esteem & self-worth.
You
need to take control of your own thinking, feeling & actions concerning your body image & become more realistic & self-loving.
You've
already looked at the ALERT, ANGER & CHILD work involved in changing your body image, it now is time for you to take back the control over your life & set out on a new path of self-acceptance, self-determination & self-loving.
What
follows is the LET GO of poor body image.
The first step of the LET GO process is to LIGHTEN THE PRESSURE
inside of you, which encourages you to give others control over your emotional health.
You need to have done the ALERT, ANGER & CHILD work on body image & accepted that there are 5 causes for your poor body image. They are:
1. Conditional acceptance of self, based on the external conditions of size, shape, weight & looks of your body.
2. Shame & guilt
over what your body looks like & the inability to forgive yourself for the shape of your body.
3. Perfectionism over
how your body must be perfect before it can to accepted as "good enough."
4. The need for invisibility so that your body will not be subjected to judgment & criticism of others because it isn't "good enough."
5. The basing of self-worth
on externals especially on the status of your body's shape, size & looks.
Once you have accepted the 5 causes of poor body image you then must rid yourself of the anger towards those people who fed you messages which helped imprint poor body image in your mind & heart.
After you have done
your ANGER workout on the roots of poor body image you then need to do self-nurturing work to help you grow in unconditional self-acceptance, self-forgiveness & self-love.
After you have used
the body image CHILD work you're then finally ready to do the LET GO work concerning your body image & how you regard & accept yourself.
Being ready to LET GO of the control of others over your emotional well being leads to the next step in the LET GO process which
is to EXERCISING YOUR RIGHTS.
In EXERCISING YOUR RIGHTS you're ready to state that:
"I will allow no one to have the power to influence how I feel about myself & my body image. I'm totally 100% in control of how I feel about myself & my looks.
I'll no longer allow anyone's comments about my body, shape, size or looks influence my self-acceptance or self-love. I accept myself unconditionally & will no longer give anyone the power to make me feel that I'm only acceptable if my body is a certain size, shape or weight.
I free myself of any shame or guilt I have about my looks & will no longer give others the power to make me feel shame or guilt for how my body looks. I accept my body as "good enough" & will no longer allow anyone the power to make me feel that it should be better.
I make a pledge to make myself more visible to others & no longer give the power to others to make me feel like I shouldn't be seen due to the shame of not having a body good enough to be seen.
I no longer will base my self-worth on how good my body looks & I'll no longer give others
the power to make me feel that my worth is based solely on my body's shape, size, weight or looks."
In this step of the LET GO process you're taking control of your life & insisting that you no longer hand over to others the power to influence how you feel about yourself. You're declaring emotional independence & letting
go of the emotional dependence which has led to your poor body image.
Once you exercise your rights you're now ready for the next step of the LET
GO process which is to TAKE STEPS.
In
LETTING GO of poor body image you need to TAKE STEPS to insure that you have released the pressure of control of others over how you feel about yourself.
The
control of others has led to your self-hatred of your body, looks, shape & size. You need to take decisive steps which will free you up of such control in the future to help you to overcome the self-hatred & self-loathing you have developed over your body image.
The
3 steps needed to LET GO of self-hatred of your body image are:
1.
Accepting personal responsibility for you own mental health.
2.
Accepting that you're a human being.
3.
Working out your anger over: "Why can't life be like my ideal?"
1. Accepting personal responsibility for your own emotional health.
This action involves accepting that there is only one
person who has the power to influence how you feel about yourself and your body image and that person is you. You need to
take back the power you have given others to influence how you feel about yourself and accept the responsibility for your
own feelings. This means you will no longer be allowed to blame others for how you think, feel or act about your body image.
Yes there were people in the past who imprinted messages in you which led to your self-hatred and poor body image. But as
of today you need to take back control over your emotional health and state that: "I am responsible for my body image. I am
responsible for my own mental health. I am responsible to put up healthy emotional boundaries between me and others who say
negative and cutting things about my body's shape, size and looks. I no longer will give responsibility to others to make
me happy or accepting of myself. I give myself the power and responsibility to help me unconditionally and fully accept my
body just the way it is and to feel good about it. I will no longer hold others responsible for how I feel about my body image."
To help you explore this concept further refer to Accepting Personal Responsibility, in Tools for Personal Growth.
2. Accepting that you are a human being.
This action involves accepting that you a human being
after all. This means that as a human you are subject to making mistakes and experiencing failure. By this action, you let
go of the perfectionistic control which others have encouraged in you. You are
willing to forgive yourself for the mistakes and failing you have made in the past in relationship to your body image. By
accepting you are human you are able to establish more realistic expectations for yourself and your body image. By accepting
you are human you are more open to accepting the concept of the "Italian Bank Account." As a human being you are open to accept
that you may slip as you make attempts to be more self-loving and more self-accepting and that you will need to immediately
get back on the wagon and try again. By accepting that you are human you will be able to let go of the false pride which led
you to believe that you have to solve all your problems on your own. You will be able to accept that humans need mutual support
of other healthy people who are dealing with the same problem. You will allow yourself to reach out to support groups to discuss
your efforts to overcome your self-hatred and poor body image. You will be able to accept that humans need other humans who
have experienced similar problems to help them sort out strategies and ways of maintaining the recovery from the problem.
You will also recognize that pride leads you to believe that you must do your recovery perfect and that this is irrational
and impossible. Recovery takes time, your whole life and it is a slow process, taking one step at a time. For more information
on this concept look at Handling Pride in Tools for Personal Growth.
3. Working out your anger about: "Why can't life be like my ideal?"
This action entails getting out your anger about not having
life be the way you want it to be. Because of all of the causes of you poor body image you have over the years developed an
"idealized image" of how you would like your body to look and are angry that your body is not the ideal way you want it to
be. You may have wanted it to be an easy, no effort, easy to do process to get your body into such an ideal state and are
angry that it takes a lot of effort and energy to change your looks.. You may have fantasized or dreamed that people would
never comment about your body size, shape or looks and are angry when they do so. You may have wanted to feel full acceptance
from others for your body just the way it is and have been angry that this has rarely happen. You may have believed, "how
your body looks should not be involved in how others judge or value you" and you are angry that this is not true for you.
You may have a belief that "what is inside a person" is what counts and not "what is on the outside" and are angry that people
judge externals more than internals. You may be angry over the societal pressure for people to be thin. You may be angry that
there is discrimination against "full bodied" or overweight people. Your ideals blind you to how the real world is and make
you angry about "why can't the world be the way I want it to be." You need to admit you are angry about not having your ideals
concerning body image come true for you. You need to do many ANGER workouts about the inability to have your ideals about
body image realized in your lifetime. You need to free yourself of the negative feelings in you which sap your energy and
are keeping you from being motivated to work on implementing the Balanced Lifestyles Program in your life. Only by releasing your anger about the loss of ideals about body image, can you accept life the way it
is rather than how you have wanted it to be. You can get more information on letting go of ideals in Tempering Idealism and
Tempering Survival Behaviors in Tools for Handling Control Issues.
Once you have TAKEN STEPS to accept personal responsibility
for yourself, accepted yourself as human and released your anger over not being able to reach your ideals about your body
image you are then ready to GIVE UP THE NEED to give others the power to influence how you feel about yourself. You are then
ready to ORDER YOUR LIFE in a way which make you solely responsible for your emotional health. This results in your willingness
to accept your body unconditionally, without shame or guilt or perfectionism and allows you to make yourself visible to others
with your self-worth based on your internal strengths rather than your external looks. You will know you have been successful
in LETTING GO of your poor body image when you are able to hear negative comments from others about your looks and detach
from them and not allow them to bring you emotionally down. You know you are free of the negative body image when you are
open to allow your body to self-regulate through exercise and balanced nutrition and not worry about how your body will look
as a result of this change of lifestyle.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
